Pete-o Protectors

It’s Wednesday. 726 days until Election Day. Republicans protect their war criminal (with the help of missing Dems), the White House threatens the new majority and GOP picks a creep to lead them.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it’s not as fucked up as Don Jr.

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! You can sure tell that Congress is back in town because we went right back to being fed up and pissed off. We were ready to really lose our shit last night, and then we got a great reminder that things are actually looking up. And it came from an unlikely asshole…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! We’re so scared. Aren’t you scared? Isn’t he scary? Don’t his weak threats make you want to hide under his mom’s bed? If a limp dick ever put on a suit and tie, it would call itself Tom Emmer. We love it when he tries to talk tough. It reminds us what pathetic, desperate losers we’re up against. But more than that, it reminds us that Republicans are stuck.

If they had taken the Blue Wave as a message from Americans, pivoted away from Trump and toward the economy, well, we’d be in a bit of a jam. But instead these dumb sonsofbitches are going all in on being weird, threatening shitheads because they got nothing else. And as people who like seeing Democrats win elections, we just want to say thanks. To quote Spaceballs, “keep firing, assholes.” Y’all have a blessed day. And Tom, go fuck yourself.

Note two: Who needs some therapy? Yeah, us too. We haven’t done a victory lap session, and we’re gonna fix that today at 3 p.m. ET/noon PT. See you there!

Note three: We’re thinking of our veterans today. Thank y’all for fighting for a country that has the option to try and fix things after it fucks them up. Happy Veterans’ Day to all who served!

Note four: Guess who’s on the clock! That’s right. John “Uncle Fester” Fetterman is nearing his retirement party. See ya soon, Johnny. More: Politico

Note five: Hey so Don Jr. seems pretty loaded here as he defends his gross rapist friend. Charlie Sheen never looked this bad…

Note six: Republican Ralph Norman says Trump gets an F. We agree, but ours stands for Fuck That Guy. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Kentucky scumbag James Comer tried to close the Epstein investigation yesterday. Yeah, he is executing a cover-up. Good thing we don’t give a rat’s ass what James does. The investigation will continue. More: NPR

Note eight: Bo-Bo is denying she lost. We’re glad she’s dragging it out. We want her to suffer. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Anyone else really need Alaska and Mississippi to count their fucking votes? Oh good. So it’s not just us. More: WAPT

Note 10: Wanna see something sexy? Check this out…

Note 11: The non-brain-wormed Kennedy family members are going after Trump’s stupid arch. The other one is probably balls deep in a dead ostrich at the moment. More: NBC News

Note 12: If we were as two-faced as Trump, we’d use the other face. Check out how he kissed Biden’s ass after 2020. More: AP

Note 13: Can you imagine how fast Jensen Huang would have lost his job if he was a woman? More: AP

Note 14: RIP to Stacy Keach. We don’t know what he was like as a person, but Morgan Fairchild is vouching for him and that’s good enough for us. More: TV Insider

Note 15: We are here all fucking day for AOC calling Trump “impotent.” We hope this becomes a regular part of her message because it might just give that orange asshole an aneurysm.

Note 16: Robert Garcia already has a list of Trump people he’s ready to go after. Hell fucking yeah! More: HuffPost

Note 17: It will never stop being hilarious to us that Republicans went through with all that redistricting nonsense and got jack shit out of it. LOL. More: AP

Note 18: Senate Republicans are keeping John Thune on as minority leader. We can’t think of a worse job. Except for being Natalie. That would be worse. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to Georgia. They’re gonna maintain Jimmy Carter’s peanut farm and open it up to the public. And we think that’s very sweet. More: AP

Note 20: And on that heartwarming note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. We hope you didn’t pull anything laughing at Tom Emmer. Love y’all!

Pete-o Protectors

Ok let’s get into it. House Republicans banded together to protect Pete Hegseth during a procedural vote on his impeachment yesterday because they are shit human beings who love the president’s war criminal. They were helped by 11 Democrats who missed the vote because most of them were at an event away from the Capitol. We’re not gonna get into the infighting, but we are gonna say this was a fuck up. Most people do not follow the intricacies of Capitol Hill, and they will neither understand nor care that it will actually be better for Democrats to do their own impeachment later on. We can dress it up all we want, but this was a bad look and a momentum killer. And we’re all left to wonder how many more Venezuelan fishermen Hegseth will murder before we actually do vote to impeach him. We all busted our asses to give Democrats some wind at their backs. We need them to take that seriously.

More: HuffPost, AP

Bring It On

How worried is Trump about being investigated by the new Congress? Worried enough that he has his White House counsel threatening Democrats with criminal charges for being too mean to Trump and his special friends. We fucking love how scared the White House is. And we don’t think Robert Garcia or anyone else on the Hill is gonna give a shit about Trump’s dumb threats. But this is a great reminder that we are at war for the next two years, and we sure as shit better act like it.

More: HuffPost

Gym Rat

The Jeffrey Epstein Party picked their new House leader yesterday, and he is of course a molester protector. Just days after getting their asses handed to them by a grossed out American public, House Republicans picked Gym Jordan to be their minority leader. We expected nothing less from the party of Dennis Hastert. We would like to again thank the Republican Party for doubling and tripling down on being weird assholes who give people the creeps.

More: NBC News

Today’s clips

TEL AVIV, Israel (AP) — Gadi Eisenkot, the politician tasked with forming a new Israeli government, pledged on Tuesday to reverse many of Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s policies as the new parliament was sworn in. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — Sen. Bernie Sanders said Tuesday he would not be supporting Sen. Chuck Schumer as the Democratic majority leader in the new Congress, setting up a seismic confrontation after the party’s sweep to power in the midterm elections. More: AP

They were among more than 100 newly elected members of Congress arriving in Washington this week for the start of freshmen orientation — the crush of new Democrats, many bringing a new sense of urgency after the party’s sweep of the midterm elections, and the slim new class of freshmen Republicans. More: AP

Nov 10 — A federal judge on Tuesday said President Donald Trump’s $10 billion defamation lawsuit against the BBC over a misleadingly ​edited clip of a speech can go forward, but threw out ‌Trump’s unfair trade practices claim against the broadcaster. More: NBC News

CNN chief data analyst Harry Enten had to stop himself on Tuesday from declaring Rep.-elect Marty Jackley (R-S.D.) “the one GOP” House candidate who did better in his district in the midterms than President Donald Trump did in 2024 — as the results changed live on the air. More: HuffPost

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