Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. So it can tell Pete Hegseth to get fucked.
Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! It’s so great to be with you today. We’re so excited to cuss Pete Hegseth to hell and back, but first we have something we need to take care of. We need you to gather ‘round, bow your heads and help us make fun of this fucking loser…
LOL. God can’t help you now, Josh. Besides, she’s on our side. Don’t believe us? Well let’s just ask her then…
Us: Are you there, God? It’s us, the cussing newsletter guys.
God: Hey boys! Congrats on the wave. Loving the newsletter.
Us: Thanks, God! So did you see this nonsense from Hawley?
God: LOL. Yeah, what a little bitch. I like him better when he’s running away.
Us: Yeah, he sucks. So you won’t be going to his dumb get together?
God: Oh hell no. He’s only fasting for an hour? That’s like the [Caddy Day] at the pool thing from Caddyshack. It’s not even the amount of hunger from a Snickers commercial. And if he needs a preacher, Democrats have elected like a million of them.
Us: That’s a great point, God.
God: Yeah, I know. Fuck Josh Hawley. And fuck his dumb orange daddy too. Fucking losers.
Us: Hell yeah! Hey while we’ve got you, can we ask about those dead little girls in Iran?
God: Sorry, boys! Going through a tunnel and losing you. Have a good one!
It’s always such a nice treat when God stops by to help us cuss out some asshole Republicans. It restores our faith that she hates the same people we do. What a great coincidence. Y’all have a blessed day, and fuck Josh Hawley.
Note two: Republicans are electing a new leader today. We’ll bet you everything in our pockets that they elect a sleazy piece of shit who will kiss Trump’s ass. No? No takers? More: NPR
Note three: Trump had Dana White at the White House yesterday. Reporters were too busy laughing at his shitty jokes to ask him about beating his wife. More: NBC News
Note four: According to Axios, Trump is going all in on his “imperial presidency.” Anyone on Capitol Hill who thinks he’s not going to force them to impeach is living in a fantasy world. And Axios can eat shit too. More: Axios
Note five: This person needs to be booted out of the Democratic caucus. Today would be good.
Note six: Gas prices have finally gone below $4 on average. And it happened right after the elections. LOL. This is the kind of shit that usually happens to Democrats. More: NBC News
Note seven: Remember that kicker who said women should stay in the kitchen? Well he ain’t kicking so good. Guess he should learn to bake. More: OutSports
Note eight: California voted against taxing billionaires. This one sucks, but it’s not surprising. Those billionaires spent a fortune killing this thing. But Sam will tell you that it felt enormously satisfying to vote for it. More: NBC News
Note nine: The American people just overwhelmingly voted to stop Trump. Unfortunately, there are still some Senate Democrats who didn’t get the message. Including Cuck Schumer. More: AP
Note 10: It’s weird to be saying nice things about an asshead like Thomas Massie. But he fought for the Epstein survivors, and he’s the only one talking about those dead little girls in Iran. And that’s worthy of praise.
Note 11: It turns out that affordability is not just a Democratic hoax. Trump has still failed to stop inflation. Because he sucks. He sucks butt. More: Yahoo
Note 12: While Scott Colom waits for his victory to be official, he’s calling out some beltway punks like Charlie Cook. We can’t wait for Scott to get to D.C. More: AL.com
Note 13: A crazed fucking idiot called into CSPAN last night. And that wasn’t his wife laughing along.
Note 14: We’ve been so focused on the way y’all took back Congress that we haven’t spent nearly enough time thanking you for the wave that washed over statehouses around the land. It’s a beautiful goddamn thing. More: HuffPost
Note 15: Mike Little Johnson doesn’t blame himself or Trump for last week’s GOP losses. He blames the voters. What a fucking asshole. More: HuffPost
Note 16: You can tell Trump desperately wants to call the midterms rigged and whine about it. But we ran up the score too big, and he would look even dumber than usual. And even he knows it. Maybe. More: HuffPost
Note 17: We know not everyone loves Hakeem, but this is the energy we’re all looking for…
Note 18: It wasn’t just Republicans eating shit on election night. Their state-run media had a rough night too. More: Yahoo
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to this gorgeous selfie from incoming U.S. Sen. Juliana Stratton. They’ll just have to photoshop Scott Colom in later…
Note 20: And on that tear-jerking note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope your week is off to a great start and that nobody is trying to impeach you. We also hope Josh Hawley fucks all the way off. Love y’all!
Buh-bye
Lauren Boebert has lost. And we think that’s hilarious. Yes, the people of her district in Colorado had apparently had enough of being jerked around, so they made a change. Give her a hand. Or don’t. Boebert is a special kind of idiot, and she will not be missed. Congrats to Rep.-elect Eileen Laubacher. Now enjoy this…
More: bsky.app
Pete’s Dragon
Yeah, draggin’ deez nuts. Sorry. We couldn’t resist. The day after Thomas Massie filed articles of impeachment against him, laying out his war crimes, Pete Hegesth held a press conference with MAGA-friendly reporters to lash out and remind everyone that Trump ordered him to do everything he has done. Trump responded by going to Truth Social and giving Hegseth an “A plus plus plus,” which is embarrassingly dumb. Wanna hear something cool we just learned yesterday? If Hegseth is impeached but Mike Johnson refuses to send the articles to the Senate, then the new Congress can do it and the new Senate can try the case. Pete Hegseth’s shitty days are just getting started.
More: CNBC, The Guardian
Our Endorsement
Y’all know we don’t normally do endorsements, but this is big. There is nonstop talk about Democratic leadership elections, and we thought we’d let y’all know where we’re coming from. First, Hakeem Jeffries as Speaker of the House is a done deal. We know a lot of people don’t want to hear that, and we get it. That meeting with Kushner was dumb and self-defeating and raises some serious questions. But dude has got the votes, and we learned from Nancy Pelosi that’s what matters in D.C. Chuck Schumer is another story. While Cuck seems like a foregone conclusion, Chris Van Hollen is now leaving the door open to a challenge and it seems real. So today we are breaking our own rules and endorsing CVH for Senate Majority Leader. He fought for our ideals when everyone else was trying to work with Trump. He has earned this position, and he would do a great job with it. The odds are against him, but CVH would be a great leader and we hope he makes a real run for it.
More: The Hill
Today’s clips
WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump said Monday that the FBI is investigating Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang’s affair with an alleged Chinese government agent, but said he doesn’t think the executive who has helped to develop artificial intelligence has a reason to worry. More: AP
WASHINGTON (AP) — Senate Republicans were meeting Tuesday for a “robust conversation” on their future and to decide whether to keep South Dakota Sen. John Thune as their leader, just a week after steep losses in the midterm elections that cost them their majority. More: AP
LONDON (AP) — The U.S. Air Force has relocated aircraft from a base in eastern England because of a threat, a U.S. official told The Associated Press. More: AP
TACOMA, Wash. (AP) — Faced with an influx of petitions by people alleging they’re being unlawfully detained by federal immigration authorities, the U.S. Attorney’s Office for the Western District of Washington said Monday that it no longer has the staffing to defend every case and will let judges rule without government opposition. More: NBC News
WASHINGTON — The Supreme Court on Monday allowed President Donald Trump to move forward with construction of his border wall in the remote Big Bend region of southwest Texas. More: NBC News
Fox News host Sean Hannity downplayed Democrats’ trouncing of Republicans in the midterm elections on Monday, inviting critics to rake him for “spinning,” taking “copium” and denying reality. More: HuffPost
NEW YORK (AP) — Superman, Batman and the rest of the DC heroes are getting a new boss, yet again. More: HuffPost
More from Adam and Sam
The Lamest Ducks
Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it doesn’t think big tech assholes should regulate themselves.Happy Monday, Sexy Patriots! Republicans are still recovering from last week’s ass-kicking, Trump is probably screaming at a toilet, and we’re over here making coffee and preparing to ruin another billionaire’s day. If you love what we do, throw a few bucks in the coffee fund. Let’s make some trouble. ☕💙
‘The Country Has Rebuked You!’
Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it still can’t fucking believe what happened this week.
Hey, Hawley, I think what you want to do is seek *forgiveness* from the Lord, for being such an awful sack of sh*t. You and the rest of the SNAP-cutting, U.S. citizen-murdering, fishermen- and little school girl-killing, grifting, lying a**wipes.
You're going to "fast" for an hour? Probably right after having lunch at 11:30, and then sleep for an hour and call it "prayer". SAD.
If we (US Intelligence) KNEW that the Nvidia CEO was dating a known spy, why the fuck didn't we warn him? It would seem to me that that would be considered something classified as national security as most of our economy is based that company's chips/technologies.