Orange Chicken

Today’s Big Stuff. August 26, 2024.

It’s Monday. There are 71 days until the general election. Recapping a super successful August, the New York Times gives up and Orangey is afraid to debate. 

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. We really don’t understand how other politics newsletters don’t. 

Note: Sexy Patriots! How was your weekend? Well that sounds fantastic. Ours was great too. Or at least way better than Jaundice Dickbrain (JD) Vance’s. Did you see this freaking loser? Watch all four videos here.

Yiiiiikes. How is it possible that this a-hole came out the gate being tagged as someone who has sex with couches and somehow managed to get worse every damn day? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get replaced by a dog-eating, bear-body-desecrating, whale-decapitating nutjob with a goddamn worm in his brain? But that’s exactly what has happened — Brain worm dude is the new Jellybean Dollhouse (JD) Vance. Just ask Eric and Don Jr. This is how it went down when he replaced them with Kid Rock and a jar of spoiled mayo. 

Anyway on behalf of humanity everywhere, here is a short breakup letter from us to Jittery Dingus (JD) Vance…

Dear Jackass Dimplebrain (JD): It’s not us. It’s you. You’re fucking weird, bro. And that would be ok except you’re also a total dick, and that’s just a taint-stank combination, dude. We know how much you hate us because we can see how much you hate yourself. Our advice is to go the hell away and stop being such a weird asshole. Also, you should probably stop insulting your wife or you’ll probably be getting another letter like this after Kamala and Tim whoop your weird ass. Please lose our number. Later, bro. 

It’s not Taylor Swift, but it’ll have to do for now. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Yesterday on the Sunday shows, Vance said that Trump would veto a national abortion ban. The Associated Press might fall for that shit, but no one else is. More: Associated Press

Note three: By the way, here’s that truly disturbing story about RFK Jr. and the whale head. Oh and RFK’s daughter is dating Ben Affleck or something. We used to be a respectable country. More: Yahoo News

Note four: It’s crazy we have astronauts stranded in space and it’s such a minor story. It’s even crazier that we’re relying on a nazi dumbshit to get them home. Godspeed, you poor bastards. More: Huff Post

Note five: This might be the best non-Kamala story of the year. Suck it, racists. 

Note six: Doodie Pooliani says that Steve Bannon is being “tortured” in prison. Upon hearing this news, we needed a solid 15 minutes to sit alone in the dark and remind ourselves that we are better people than those fucking assholes and so we don’t actually want anyone to be tortured in prison and we should all be for humane incarceration. Goddamnit. More: Huff Post

Note seven: Oh look, CNN got busted having a Trump supporter on as an undecided voter. CNN must really enjoy being in last place. More: Meidas News

Note eight: And just to expand on that, did anyone see Jake Tapper get rolled by Lindsey Graham yesterday and then turn around and try to fact-check Cory Booker playing football because Booker didn’t play pro? Seriously what the fuck?! More: Mediaite

Note nine: Speaking of Graham, he says joy “doesn’t exist in the real world.” That’s probably true when you devote your life to kissing fascist orange ass, but the rest of us are feeling pretty goddamn joyful these days. More: CNN

Note 10: It’s pretty amazing that after attacking the US Capitol and losing hundreds of thousands of Americans in a pandemic, Trump launched yet another shit business that fleeced its investors and melted down. This guy is just not very good at stuff.

Note 11: That reminds us — Trump is basically all the way back on twitter now. Because he’s losing and he’s desperate. 

Note 12: Good news, everybody! Former FBI Director James Comey has endorsed Kamala Harris! Go fuck yourself, James Comey! More: The Hill

Note 13: Holy freaking crap we love this. Demstock went down in Pennsylvania this weekend. It’s like Woodstock but probably with less acid. More: NBC News

Note 14: The brain worm dude’s family seems to hate him almost as much as we do. More: Huff Post

Note 15: Y’all, we might have a Plan B…

Note 16: Donald Trump referred to himself as a “ratings machine” and insisted that Fox called him and not the other way around. So that’s how broken that asshole is these days. More: The Wrap

Note 17: The US government is gonna give out some more COVID tests in late September. We’re also supposed to be getting a new vaccine. Everyone we know is sick, so please protect yourself because we love you and we need you around. More: NBC News

Note 18: The draft-dodging shithead who calls our troops “suckers” and “losers” is laying a wreath at Arlington today to commemorate the withdrawal of the Afghanistan War. We’re sure he’ll get lots of questions about agreeing to the timetable and inviting the Taliban to Camp David. More: CNN

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, longtime TBS readers know that we are big time Megan Rapinoe fans. Last night, Pinoe had her jersey retired in Seattle and then the team won at the end of the game and the young woman who scored hit the Rapinoe pose that Megan used to send a message to Trump.

Note 20: And on that awesome note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had an awesome weekend. We know this is going to be a kick-ass week! Love y’all! 

Rolling!
So let us recap what an awesome month our nominee just had — she raised $540 million since her launch. She raised $82 million during the convention. One-third of that came from first-time donors. Oh and hundreds of thousands of people have signed up to be volunteers. Harris is rolling. But don’t take our word for it. Just look at how badly Trump is flailing and flip-flopping right now. More: Sam and Adam, The Alt Media

Sigh
Once again, dear readers, it has become clear that TBS is gonna have to be the media now because the mainstream media has either given up or they’re just fucking trolling us. We’re going to show you this, and then we’re going to count to 10 and get on with the rest of our day. Gosh, it sure is hard to figure out why Vice President Harris doesn’t want to do an interview with these clowns…

Orange Chicken
Someone is shitting himself. Late last night, Trump took to Truth Social to start whining about ABC News and questioning why he should debate there. So yeah, he’s really really scared of Vice President Harris and looking for a way out. Things got even juicier this morning when it was reported that there is a new snafu over Harris’s team wanting the mics to be hot and Trump’s team wanting the mics cut off when a candidate isn’t speaking. Stop being so afraid, Trump! DEBATE HER!!!!! More: CNN

Today’s clips
A round of high-level talks in Cairo meant to bring about a cease-fire and hostage deal to at least temporarily end the 10-month Israel-Hamas war in Gaza ended Sunday without a final agreement, a U.S. official said. But talks will continue at lower levels in the coming days in an effort to bridge remaining gaps. More: Huff Post