Mike Lee’s Furry Rat Parts

It’s Monday. There are 505 days until the midterm elections. The NYT can’t stop embarrassing itself, a right-wing assassin is caught and widdle Trump has a big tantrum.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But probably not as much as Trump did after nobody showed up to his shitty party.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! And welcome to another week in a country that makes really stupid decisions. While we’re still gleefully running on the natural high we got this weekend from seeing millions of Americans take to the streets to tell Trump to eat shit and fuck off, we’re also still reeling from the murder of Minnesota state Rep. Melissa Hortman and her husband. And we’re straight up apoplectic that Republican scum like Sen. Mike Lee are posting conspiracy theory bullshit like this…

What a horrible, horrible piece of shit. He also has a horrible, horrible secret that we’re about to share. Yeah, since we live in a country where the biggest asshole freaks can just make up whatever they want, we thought we’d get in on it and tell you about Mike Lee’s rat scrotum. Yes, Mike Lee was born with a rat scrotum. For most of his life, he had a tiny and furry little rat pouch holding his tiny and furry rat nuts. Even worse? It was growing out of his forehead. In college, Mike — or “Fugly Rodent Scrote Face” as he was known at the time — finally had the rat scrotum removed. Friends and family say he was much better looking before the procedure.

Now did Mike Lee really spend much of his life with rat balls on his face? Who knows? But he sure has a rat scrotum on his soul. We hope he spends the day fucking all the way off, kissing our asses and eating shit. Fuck off, Sen. Fugly Rodent Scrote Face. Y’all have a blessed day. More: HuffPost

Note two: Also, one of Mike Lee’s constituents was killed at a No Kings protest this weekend. Maybe he should try caring about that instead of being a total asshole. More: The Guardian

Note three: Wired has a great story on the Tesla Takedown. Props to the amazing Alex Winter and everyone else who helped shit on Elon Leon’s miserable life. More: WIRED

Note four: We don’t know about y’all, but we’re already ready for the next protest. Let’s go!

Note five: Tim Walz is a good man. That’s probably why Trump has refused to call him to offer condolences.

Note six: Not only has Trump not called Walz, he also took some time to attack him. Imagine if Biden had… oh fuck it. More: ABC News

Note seven: Trump has also stopped visiting Americans who have been hurt by natural disasters. Maybe those tornado victims should get their asses to a UFC fight or a South Florida country club if they want love from the president of the United States. More: HuffPost

Note eight: A new poll from G. Elliott Morris has Trump at 42/56 approval. But more importantly, he has Democrats up 8 points in the generic ballot. Let’s drive it up! More: Strength in Numbers

Note nine: The G7 is starting in Canada today. We’re soooooo sorry to those world leaders for having to be around our stanky asshead president. More: HuffPost

Note 10: Here’s Liddle Marco Rubio yawning at Trump’s loser party. It’s nice to see him using his mouth for something other than kissing orange ass.

Note 11: Sen. Alex Padilla, who was assaulted last week by Trump’s goons, got all Senate Democrats to sign a letter calling for Trump to get troops out of L.A. now. We doubt it will work, but it’s a start. More: ABC7 Los Angeles

Note 12: Trump’s good buddies in Saudi Arabia just executed another journalist. Remember when the U.S. used to condemn shit like this? More: CPJ

Note 13: The Atlantic has really been sucking lately, but this is a good piece on how Sen. Bill Cassidy fucked us all by voting for the brain worm guy even though he knew better. More: The Atlantic

Note 14: Anybody wanna buy a shitty cell phone from a guy who ripped off a children’s cancer charity? Yeah, we don’t either.

Note 15: We don’t want to report this because it’s so fucking awful. But the Trump scum who killed a Minnesota state Rep. and her husband also shot their rescue dog. Prison is too good for this motherfucker. More: Daily Beast

Note 16: This has nothing to do with the end of America, but we’re pretty fucking excited to see Shohei pitch today. Our apologies to Red Sox fans for mentioning baseball today. We know y’all are going through it. More: NBC

Note 17: This shit is never gonna stop being funny to us. You can almost hear the crickets.

Note 18: Remember when Maureen Dowd wrote “Donald the Dove; Hillary the Hawk?” Well she’s a fucking idiot. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we have two. First, thanks to you super Sexy Patriots, this cussing newsletter just passed nazi trash Libs of TikTok on the Substack Top 100. Eat shit, hater. And second, here’s Hillary making fun of Trump’s “low energy” birthday party. LOL.

Note 20: And on that fun note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have a great week. It’s not like you started off by writing some crazy shit about a U.S. senator having rat nuts on his face. Love y’all!

The New York Slime

The NYT just can’t stop embarrassing itself. And that sucks because we really need them right now. But instead they spent the weekend both-sidesing political violence, ignoring millions of Americans protesting in the streets and putting their thumbs on the scale for a serial sexual harasser. It defies common sense to believe this is all coincidence. We’ve been staying out of the New York City mayoral primary except to say Cuomo should not be mayor again. Period. But after seeing the NYT’s bullshit its way out of last year’s policy of not endorsing in local races to implicitly backing Cuomo while attacking Mamdani, we’re thinking seriously about getting involved. The smear campaign against this young man is appalling. Especially when you consider what a corrupt piece of shit Cuomo is. Fuck the NYT and its love of corrupt scumbag politicians.

NO GODDAMN LINK

Caught his ass

We’re not going to say his name because fuck him to hell, but authorities in Minnesota caught the miserable psycho scum Trump supporters who murdered Melissa Hortman, her husband, her dog and tried to kill others. You’ll notice from the pictures that despite shooting at the police, he was taken in unscathed, which seems about white to us. Now we all just sit back and wait for Trump to condemn his supporters committing evil acts of violence while the online trolls apologize for lying about shithead’s politics. We might be waiting a long time. Thank goodness Minnesota has a real governor to help them through this moment.

More: The Guardian

Lashing out

The only thing we like about Trump is how obvious he makes it when we get under his skin. And right now we are REALLY under his skin. After the spectacular failure of his birthday party and the spectacular success of the No Kings protests, Trump took to Truth Social Sunday night to lash out. In a terrifying but pathetic post, Trump announced that he is going to “expand” the ICE and military operations in blue cities. So like we said, LA was just the beginning. What makes this latest assault notable is that Trump is openly admitting his crusade is about politics, railing against the “the core of the Democrat Power Center, where they use Illegal Aliens to expand their Voter Base, cheat in Elections, and grow the Welfare State, robbing good paying Jobs and Benefits from Hardworking American Citizens.” So yeah, the parts that aren’t about racism are about Republicans winning elections. Let’s all pretend to be surprised. Let’s also be safe because this motherfucker is out of his mind.

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

Authorities are investigating after two court officers were slashed or stabbed at the Manhattan criminal courthouse Monday, according to two law enforcement sources familiar with the incident. More: NBC

Nancy Wilson, a singer and guitarist for the rock band Heart, is calling out President Donald Trump for using the group’s iconic song “Barracuda” in a military parade commemorating the Army’s 250th anniversary on Saturday. More: HuffPost

The suspect arrested in the murder of Minnesota Rep. Melissa Hortman and her husband reportedly left a chilling “hit list” of potential targets that included Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN), Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN), and the offices of multiple abortion providers. More: Mediaite

Israel and Iran began a fresh round of attacks on each other Monday, with the death toll mounting and the chance of a quick victory for Israel evaporating as the conflict entered its fourth day. More: NBC

ICYMI: Watch the entire No Kings protests here:

The latest from Sam & Adam: