Wigging Out

It’s Thursday. There are 89 days until the midterm elections. Hegseth fails at war, AIPAC ain’t done in Michigan and how much you’re paying for Trump’s cruelty.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And its hair is perfect.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, the president of the United States didn’t get any smarter yesterday. No, he continued to be a divisive, racist, sexist, clueless moron. But at least he looks good, right? That Metamucil orange hue, the cartoon stink lines coming off of him and the tie that hangs down around his droopy nuts and knees. Yeah, he’s a real stud. And that’s why we can’t figure out why he went and changed his wig…

Looks like someone got a new ‘do. We wonder if it was made by the same guys who did the Reflecting Pool. If so, will it start leaking Giuliani-style and make it look like Trump is shitting out of his face instead of just shitting himself like usual? This is the kind of stuff that was considered newsworthy during the Obama and Biden years. Trump went to Los Angeles Tuesday and then showed up in Vegas Wednesday with new hair. What a totally normal real American who is not at all a very strange weirdo who constantly does weird shit.

At the end of the day, we’re way more concerned with cruel deportations, a lawless police force running roughshod over the American people and a stupid goddamn war in Iran. But this is a good reminder that Trump gets a pass from the mainstream media on just about everything. Hell, we’ve never even learned why the sonofabitch is orange. So congrats to the president on his new hair. If only we could get that dumb motherfucker a new brain to go with it. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: How about some therapy to help process all this weird shit? Great! We’ll see you at 4:30 p.m. ET/1:30 p.m. PT.

Note three: Max Miller has the morals of a serial killer. Kick his ass out of Congress, and then put his ass in jail where he belongs. More: Mother Jones

Note four: According to WaPo, Trump is telling donors that he wants Couchfuck to be the GOP nominee in 2028. Yeah and people in hell want ice water. More: Washington Post

Note five: We really hope this fucking idiot and his pet Bessent keep telling the American people how stupid we are for not appreciating this shit economy more…

Note six: If you’ve been reading us for a while, then you know we are big Jasmine Crockett fans. That’s why it’s such a bummer seeing stuff like this. We get that losing races is personal and painful, but we really need everyone to remember that this shit is bigger than any one of us. More: Mediaite

Note seven: Republican Senators are voting today to fuck with Fauci some more. What truly evil scumbags. More: NBC News

Note eight: The U.S. Attorney in Chicago is trying desperately to make his illegal fuck-ups disappear. That can’t happen. More: WTTW

Note nine: Trump has done everything possible to bring back coal. He has also brought back Black Lung. Congrats? More: NPR

Note 10: Man, Ken Paxton REALLY doesn’t want to answer questions. Pretty rich coming from the asshole who doesn’t think any women in Texas deserve privacy or rights…

Note 11: Bill Cassidy is pretending like he might vote against Todd Blanche. We don’t even know why we’re sharing this because we all know he’s a wuss who will cave in the end. More: HuffPost

Note 12: The chickenshit press are getting so close to calling Trump a liar. If only they weren’t so chickenshit. More: AP

Note 13: Minnesota Republicans are human garbage who would happily sell out their own state to Trump’s masked thugs. Vote accordingly, Minnesota.

Note 14: We now have new, highly detailed photos of the sun. Science is cool. More: AP

Note 15: Life finds a way. So do vaccines apparently. And even the guy who chops off racoon dicks can’t stop them. More: AP

Note 16: New Mexico is suing DOJ over the Epstein ranch files. We’re sure Todd Blanche will get right on this. Seriously was that dude on the island or what? More: HuffPost

Note 17: We really respect the way this dude hates on Ohio. This is real Michigan shit.

Note 18: Well this is fucking hilarious. Former NYC Mayor Eric Adams is now trying to sell data centers in Wisconsin. And he’s getting booed to hell and back along the way. More: Hell Gate NYC

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you back to 2004. Today is the anniversary of Green Day’s “American Idiot.” Unfortunately, this song has proven to be timeless. But it’s a great resistance banger…

Note 20: And on that note that slaps, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a lovely week so far. We also hope Trump’s new hair came from his ass. It might make him smarter (h/t Fletch). Love y’all!

Petering Out

Trump is big mad at his Secretary of Losing Wars. According to multiple reports, Trump spent last weekend at Camp David fuming at Pete Hegseth after learning that the U.S. is about to run out of missiles. Trump is reportedly furious with Hegseth for telling him it would be easy to take out Iran. In response, Hegseth’s bitch ass blamed one of his underlings. While it’s easy to blame Hegseth for being a moron who is more focused on getting rid of soldiers’ beards and making shitty work-out videos, let’s not forget the fucking idiot who hired this fucking idiot. Trump wanted a TV guy. The rest of us want competent military leadership.

More: The Independent, NBC News

Michigan Madness

AIPAC suffered a brutal loss this week when its $32 million in spending for Haley Stevens didn’t help her beat Dr. Abdul El-Sayed. Unfortunately, they seem undeterred and are considering staying in the state and spending big to help Republican Mike Rogers win. If you had any doubts about whether outside lobbying groups actually give a fuck about Americans or American democracy, this should put them to rest. We are so goddamn sick of everyone trying to buy our elections. Everyone is. That’s why it’s a political liability to take this money. So go ahead and do it, Rogers. We fucking dare you.

More: New York Times

$2,358

That’s how much you are paying for every single one of Donald Trump’s cruel deportations. The Economic Policy Institute broke it down, and that’s where our tax dollars are going instead of helping children not starve or helping Americans pay for healthcare. According to Axios, that amount of money could help almost 10 million people “gain access to low-cost public housing.” Or, “nearly 12 million people could receive Medicaid.” We really are a backwards ass country sometimes. If only we loved each other half as much as we hate everyone else.

More: Axios

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump’s administration said it plans to overhaul Head Start, tossing out many of the regulations that are the hallmark of the early education program for the nation’s poorest children. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — The speed limit along Pennsylvania Avenue is 25 mph.

But the open-wheel race cars roaring through the longest straightaway of the upcoming Washington IndyCar race organized by President Donald Trump could be going nearly eight times that fast. More: AP

Americans are increasingly feeling a personal impact from extreme heat, according to a new poll from The Associated Press-NORC Center for Public Affairs Research. More: AP

MEMPHIS, Tenn. (AP) — A new Tennessee congressional map that carved up a majority Black district in Memphis is making its electoral debut Thursday in a primary election that will determine the nominees for a Republican attempt at a clean sweep of the state’s U.S. House districts in the midterms. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — Construction crews working on a new helipad at the White House have taken apart the massive granite seal that would serve as the new landing spot for Marine One, signaling potential delays in the project. More: AP

Nevada Gov. Joe Lombardo (R) on Wednesday tried to tee up a moment of silence for a fallen police officer at a rally for President Donald Trump and was awkwardly met with boos from a Las Vegas crowd. More: HuffPost

A long-shot Democratic congressional candidate’s brawl at a Hawaii beach over the weekend has landed him behind bars. More: HuffPost