We landed on the moon!

Happy Friday. There are 396 days until the midterm elections. Tim Cook cowers again, Pizzagate Jack’s voter fraud and President Cankles goes missing.

Be advised: This newsletters uses profanity. It allows us to sing along with Taylor’s new album.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, the weekend is here and we need a goddamn cleanse to get all the stupid off us. The government is shut down, Republicans are lying nonstop and Trump seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth. And then there’s this hopeless half-brained motherfucker…

Grrrrrrr. Remember when it was cool to be smart? Remember when stupid shit-for-brains assheads didn’t pop off at the mouth like this because they knew everyone would call them a stupid shit-for-brains asshead and they’d be embarrassed? Remember before the time one of them got elected president?

Yeah, we remember too. Before social media came along and all the stupid shit-for-brains assheads united and started getting each other’s stupid shit-for-brains assheaded backs and telling each other that they were actually smart and funny and good-looking even though they were dumb, boring and fugly as all hell. And now we’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene’s fucking boyfriend questioning whether we actually went to the moon. Things sure got embarrassing fast, didn’t they?

Well Marjorie Taylor Greene’s boyfriend and all the stupid shit-for-brains assheads can go to hell as far as we’re concerned. Because this crap is embarrassing, and we went to the fuckin’ moon. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: If you’re like us, you’ve been steaming over this comedy festival in Saudi Arabia. And now we’ve got Dave Chappelle’s bitch ass telling us that they have real free speech over there. Really, Dave? Then try some of your bigoted jokes against the royals and see how it goes. Asshole. More: Deadline

Note three: There was a huge explosion and fire at a Chevron refinery in L.A. last night. We hope everyone is ok and that this isn’t the same kind of nightmare the City of Angels endured earlier this year. More: KTLA

Note four: Want to see a masterstroke of fighting back? Then check out how Gavin Newsom responded to Trump’s extortion threat to universities in California. HE’S THREATENING TO TAKE STATE MONEY FROM THEM IF THEY COMPLY WITH TRUMP’S EXTORTION DEMANDS!!! LOLOL!!! More: The Guardian

Note five: Ok this is pretty funny. Go harder, Hakeem. Trump is weak. Act like it.

Note six: We know there’s a million things going on, but we really only want to talk about Taylor Swift’s new album. Holy shit did she ever bring the fire! More: USA Today

Note seven: Diddy is getting sentenced today. He says he’s sorry. We don’t believe him. More: HuffPost

Note eight: We should be getting a jobs report today. We’re not because Trump is taking advantage of the shutdown to hide his failure. More: NBC News

Note nine: You know how we were told we have to bring down our rhetoric and stop calling the fascist fuckheads fascists? Well Trump just called Democrats the party of “hate, evil and satan,” so fuck that and fuck him. More: Mediaite

Note 10: Tim Walz from downtown!!!

Note 11: Measles is on the march. Someone go tell the guy with the brainworm. He’s probably working out in jeans or cutting the head off of a dead whale. More: NBC News

Note 12: We didn’t think the synagogue attack story could get worse. Then we learned that two of the victims were actually shot by cops who responded to the scene. The only shocking thing here is that this didn’t happen in America. More: Mediaite

Note 13: Big congrats to Sarah Mullally on being named the first woman Archbishop of Canterbury. Don’t you wish America respected and trusted women this much? More: Associated Press

Note 14: Kash Patel fired an FBI trainee for displaying a Pride flag. This is just straight up bigotry and we hope the trainee sues the FBI to hell and back. More: MSNBC

Note 15: One thing we love about not being Republicans is we don’t have to pause and think about it when someone asks us if people should be allowed to die in the fucking street. What a psycho!

Note 16: We have a question — if Trump is bringing in trillions and trillions of dollars with his dumbshit tariffs, then why the hell would he use our money to bail out farmers and Argentina? It’s almost like that dumb crap about the “tariff shelf” is totally made up. More: MSN

Note 17: CBS is doing DEI for spoiled rotten white people who think they’re the victim. So we’re done linking to CBS. More: Independent

Note 18: Yesterday Trump’s former spiritual adviser and megachurch pastor Robert Morris pled guilty to sexually abusing a 12-year-old girl. So now we know why he was Trump’s spiritual adviser. Please lock this sick fuck up and throw away the key. More: Newsweek

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to D.C. where the Trump and Epstein Friendship Month statue is back, baby!!! Dog bless the amazing patriots who put this up. WUSA9

Note 20: Bonus Happy Ending! What else do we need to say?!

Note 21: And on that exciting note that’s going to consume our entire weekend, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have an amazing weekend even though you’re living under a fascist shit-for-brains regime. Just remember that nothing lasts forever and we definitely landed on the moon. Love y’all!

Cowardly Tim Apple
Under pressure from Trump’s goons, Apple has removed the ICEBlock App from the app store. Yeah, not only is the federal government sending masked and violent thugs to terrorize people, but they’re also stopping private businesses from allowing Americans to share that information with each other. We suppose we shouldn’t be surprised that the dude who brought Trump a gold bribe in the Oval Office would fold so easily, but it’s still pretty damn gross. We’re gonna need some resistance coders. More: Associated Press

Pizzagate Jack strikes again
We found some of that voter fraud we keep hearing about. Jaqueline Sweet and Marisa Kabas report for Slate that Pizzagate asshole Jack Posobiec has been voting in Pennsylvania even though he lives in Maryland. He used his parents’ address to be able to vote in a swing state. So when the hell is this guy going to jail? Or does he get the same free pass that those assholes in the Villages got? Note: There may be a paywall for some of you. More: Slate

Cankles goes MIA
Has anyone seen the president of the United States? We’re in Day Three of a government shutdown, and shithead has only been seen posting idiotic AI slop on Truth Social in the middle of the night. Instead he’s been having Mike Little Johnson and VP Couchfuck do all the talking. The Wall Street Journal is reporting that inside the White House, aides are actually pretty worried about losing the shutdown and fucking over Americans with higher healthcare costs. So maybe Trump is hiding because he doesn’t want more loser stank on him. Or maybe the cankles and the bruise have taken over. More: CNN, Associated Press

Today’s clips
Rep. Madeleine Dean (D-PA) went off on President Donald Trump over his fitness to serve on the heels of a hot mic moment during which she confronted Speaker of the House Mike Johnson (R-LA) about the “unwell” president. More: Mediaite

Most of President Donald Trump’s supporters back keeping enhanced subsidies for Affordable Care Act plans, the central obstacle in ending the government shutdown, according to a new poll from the nonpartisan health policy research group KFF. It was conducted Sept. 23 through Sept. 29, just days before Congress failed to pass a funding measure to keep the government open. More: NBC News

President Donald Trump is openly embracing the conservative blueprint he desperately tried to distance himself from during the 2024 campaign, as one of its architects works to use the government shutdown to accelerate his goals of slashing the size of the federal workforce and punishing Democratic states. More: Associated Press

The director of the Dwight D. Eisenhower Presidential Library and Museum was ousted from his position this week after refusing a request from the Trump administration to gift King Charles III one of former President Dwight D. Eisenhower’s swords. More: Mediaite

The Trump administration informed Congress in a confidential notice this week that President Donald Trump has “determined” that the United States is in an “armed conflict” with drug cartels and that members of the organizations can be targeted as unlawful combatants. More: NBC News

Read some Sexy Testimonials from some Sexy Patriots

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