Wartime TACO

It’s Monday. There are 225 days until the midterm elections. A really bad idea for ICE, a Golden State disaster in the making and an idiot president tries to get out of his idiot war.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And its March Madness brackets are a goddamn disaster.

Note: Sexy Patriots! We missed you so much! Thanks for letting us take Friday off, but man did we miss a bunch of messed up shit. Whether it was Trump pissing on the grave of a Bronze Star winner or Trump making an embarrassing Pearl Harbor joke to the PM of Japan, there was a lot of stupid Trump shit. But it was this little weasel and his little war boner that really woke up our vacationing rage monster…

Whoa. Who the fuck is ‘we,’ little man? We weren’t the only ones asking, and it’s frankly ridiculous this bloodthirsty bitch keeps getting a pass while he beats off the drums of war. So once again, we are offering to take Lindsey to Iran so he can fight all he wants.

No, seriously. We’re launching AltMedia Transportation. We will tie ourselves together and throw on some of them floaties, bite down on reins and we will let that creepy little skidmark ride us over there like some weird swimming goddamn horsehumans. Or Sam will go out in the yard right this fucking second and flap his arms until he is able to take flight so he can take Lindsey’s psycho wrinkled ass to Kharg Island, Tehran or Beirut.

We’ll give that motherfucker a goddamn piggyback ride to see him put his money where his dirty mouth is. And we’re not stopping there. Trump, Eric, Don Jr., Fetterman and the rest of the warmongers can all have rides. Or they can all fuck off and go shit in their hats. We’re good either way. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: The stupid is starting early today. And by that we mean it looks like Markwayne is getting confirmed. More: The Hill

Note three: Call your Senator and tell them to hold the line on the DHS shutdown. Republicans are getting queasy. More: The Hill

Note four: You know why you don’t put some reality tv dipshit from the Real World in charge of the Department of Transportation? Because of shit like this. More: NBC News

Note five: This clip is from last week and we despise Harry Enten because he’s going to get us all killed, but we thought y’all should know you are not alone in hating John Fetterman. In fact, it’s pretty crowded over here…

Note six: Here’s a question — why the effing fuck is our rich boy Treasury Secretary going on television and pretending to be a war expert? More: NBC News

Note seven: We didn’t even want to mention the Mueller thing because it’s so gross, but here’s a link. Also, Trump is a piece of shit. More: Yahoo

Note eight: We don’t really have any deep thoughts on Mueller except he was the one who taught us that no one in Washington was going to save us from Trump and we are on our own. So thanks?

Note nine: The Pentagon lost to the New York Times. So yeah, the war-fighting ain’t going so good. More: Mother Jones

Note 10: We don’t approve of this language, but we do love that Dan Bongino’s life sucks. LOL.

Note 11: CNN’s Manu Raju confronted Maine candidate Graham Platner. You can take away what you want from the interview, but we’re more focused on how the CNN fucker is free to editorialize like this with Platner but he just has to kiss Mike Little Johnson’s narrow ass every day. More: Mediaite

Note 12: Today’s opening note was going to be an interview with Christopher Columbus, who now has a statue outside the White House for some reason. Gonna be fun pulling that thing down like a statue of Saddam. Except Saddam didn’t get lost and then pretend he discovered Iraq. More: NBC News

Note 13: Who’s ready to take to the streets this weekend? Yeah, us too. Because fuck this asshole. More: No Kings

Note 14: This isn’t the most important news in the world, but we’ve wondered lately if “Lola” by the Kinks is transphobic. It’s a great bop. What do y’all think? More: HuffPost

Note 15: This is obviously very well thought out and we can’t wait to see how it goes.

Note 16: Just a reminder that the FBI has failed to find Nancy Guthrie. This is one of those things that would have been a big scandal for Biden, but Trump gets a pass for some reason. More: USA Today

Note 17: Sarah Huckabee Sanders got kicked out of another restaurant. If this was us, it would cause some serious reflection. But we’re not fucking idiots. More: HuffPost

Note 18: We want to send love to the people of Hawaii. They’ve seen massive flooding and they have a president who doesn’t give a shit. Hang in there, Hawaii! More: Associated Press

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to the women’s March Madness tournament. This is the pep talk we’re giving to each and every Sexy Patriot. You can’t hear the words, but you can hear the message. This is our year, Sexy Patriots. We believe in you.

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Note 20: And on that inspiring note, let’s go do some news! We’re so damn grateful to y’all for giving us Friday off, and now we’re recharged and ready to do some serious cussing. We hope y’all have an amazing week. Unless you’re Lindsey Graham. Then we hope you eat your own ass. Love y’all!

How can air travel get worse?
Invite a bunch of untrained goons to do security. And that’s what’s happening today in the stupidest goddamn country on the planet. Yeah, our dumbfuck president has decided to deploy ICE to our nation’s airports to help with security. Because he is refusing to fund TSA, Trump has decided to send his personal goon squad to do yet another job they are untrained to do. Democrats have repeatedly offered to fund TSA, Senate Republicans are on board and Trump is saying no. We’re sure there won’t be any problems as a bunch of thugs go play airport security and this won’t backfire at all. And from what we’ve seen so far, they’re doing a great job of standing around and pulling their pud. More: USA Today

C’mon, California
We are now begging California Democrats to get their fucking shit together. The top two vote-getters will advance to the general election. And right now, the two top polling assholes are both Republicans. And one of them is a Trumpy sheriff who just seized more than half-a-million ballots. Maybe Gavin Newsom or AG Rob Bonta should get on this. And maybe California Democrats need to get it together before we lose the last little bit of sanity we have left. More: Associated Press

TACO Monday
Congrats, everyone. We won the war. Just kidding. We’re not that dumb. But the MSM is, and they’re reporting that Trump is pausing his attacks on Iranian oil and gas targets for five days because he’s negotiating with Iran. Yeah, he told Kaitlan Collins and Maria Bartiromo today that he’s in talks with Iran and they’re agreeing to everything he wants. There’s only one problem — Iran says that’s bullshit and there have been no talks. The most fucked up part? We believe Iran. Trump is floundering. He clearly wants to declare victory and walk away, but he stuck his little weiner in a hornets’ nest and that just ain’t the kind of thing you walk away from. We want to note that this motherfucker is still asking for $200 billion of our money to fund a war he says is ending. More: CNBC

Today’s clips
WASHINGTON (AP) — The Supreme Court on Monday rejected the appeal of a Texas-based online citizen journalist who said she was wrongly arrested in a case that drew attention from national media organizations and free speech advocates. More: Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) — The Supreme Court is hearing arguments Monday in a case from Mississippi over whether states can count late-arriving mail ballots, a target of President Donald Trump. More: Associated Press

WASHINGTON — Democrats on the House Oversight Committee have launched a new inquiry into outgoing Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem’s top aide, Corey Lewandowski, who allegedly sought personal payments from contractors, as was outlined in an NBC News investigation last week. More: NBC News

HAVANA (AP) — Cuba began restoring its energy system on Sunday, a day after a nationwide collapse of the entire grid left millions of people in the dark for the third time this month. More: HuffPost

RAMALLAH, West Bank (AP) — Israeli settlers rampaged through multiple Palestinian villages overnight Saturday and into Sunday, smashing cars, setting fires and wounding several men in the latest flare-up of violence in the occupied West Bank. More: HuffPost