Turtle vs. worm

It’s Monday. There are 686 days until the midterm elections. The tortoise vs. the brain worm, this administration is gonna be so effing corrupt and flowers for a Justice.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It’s how we can tell ABC to grow a fucking spine.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How was your weekend? Did you get down on your knees and grovel and kiss the orange ass of a disgusting treasonous shithead? You didn’t? Then you must not be ABC.

Well that fucking sucks. Now a lot of people online — people like us — were saying this is an obvious capitulation from a chickenshit corporation that is bowing before our dumbfuck dictator before he even takes office. We wanted to confirm it though so here’s our interview with ABC…

TBS: So what’s your problem?

ABC: Please don’t shout. We just peed ourselves.

TBS: You’re a fucking mess. Maybe the news business isn’t for you.

ABC: Still peeing. Can’t seem to make it stop.

TBS: Ok this is getting embarrassing.

ABC: Would you like $15 million and a public admission that we just pissed our pants?

TBS: You ruined our shoes.

We thought about it, but we decided we didn’t want money from some wimpy buttlicks, especially money that is soaked in coward’s urine. Sigh. Sexy Patriots, we’re gonna have to be the media now. Because we ain’t never never never never ever ever ever kissing those orange buttocks. It ain’t happening. And we will cuss and mock every last gutless corporation that crawls to Mar-a-Lago to debase themselves and our country. We depend on these folks for truth and accountability and they’re paying what look like obvious bribes?! Get fucked, ABC. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Trump is gonna be so bummed when he comes after us and realizes we don’t have any money but we have lots and lots of cuss words with which to tell him to eat shit.

Note three: Trump and Jeffrey Dahmer (JD) Vance took an acquitted murderer as their guest to the Army-Navy football game this weekend. Between this and the Jan. 6 pardons, Trump’s endorsement of violence is pretty fucking clear. More: AP News

Note four: Joe Manchin was at the game with Trump too. We really need new cuss words to describe how much we hate that dirty motherfucker.

Note five: Trump is definitely going after the free press just like what we saw in Hungary. Except in Hungary the press fought back.

Note six: We saw on social media that RFK Jr is going to the Senate today to try and win support for his nomination. We hope the Senators don’t catch anything.

Note seven: Some good news — Barbie is on Netflix. We freaking love that movie. And we just heard there might be a sequel!

Note eight: The Trump aide who came up with the Springfield lie and booked the racist comedian at Madison Square Garden collapsed at an event last night. We were gonna send thoughts and prayers but then we remembered that dude can fuck right off. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Lindsey Graham said Pete Hegseth is going to release his alleged victim from her NDA. Of course Lindsey is a pathetic shit-weasel who lies a lot. More: CNN

Note 10: We would add everything the L.A. Times has done, Megan McCain ever having a job, Jake and Dana refusing to ask Trump about being called a rapist and pretty much all New York Times coverage for the past decade.

Note 11: Steve Bannon says Trump might run again in 2028. All that prison toilet wine must’ve done a number on Steve’s crusty brain. More: Independent

Note 12: We want to apologize but we are tracking way too much stupid shit to care about this drone story. They look like planes to us and we just don’t care. More: NPR

Note 13: Mitt Romney says Democrats blew it and Vance will be the 2028 Republican nominee. And if anyone knows about winning presidential elections, it’s that gutless wimp. Fuck off, Mittens. More: Daily Beast

Note 14: We woke up with “Last Christmas” stuck in our heads and it’s a total banger. What are your other favorite non-traditional holiday songs?

Note 15: Krispy Kreme has been under cyberattack and we haven’t done shit to stop it. We used to be a proper country goddamnit!

Note 16: The scum running HBO say they don’t want Sesame Street anymore, so the show that tried to give America kids a sense of decency and some basic education is looking for a new home. And we’ll be damned if that doesn’t sum up this fucked up country going into 2025. More: Hollywood Reporter

Note 17: For the first time in two decades, no women will lead a congressional committee. It’s almost like the party that stripped basic human rights from women has a real misogyny problem. More: New Republic

Note 18: We’re sending love and warm wishes to Speaker Pelosi, who had hip replacement surgery after falling while in Luxembourg last week. She was already the bionic woman, so now she’ll be unstoppable. More: NBC

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to celebrate and say thank you as Adam has reached 300,000 followers on BlueSky. It’s good to know there are places to make jokes and talk politics without having to fight Nazis and Trump trash all day. Thank you to everyone who helped this happen!

Note 20: And on that encouraging note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a grat weekend. And we hope America is more ready for the fight ahead than our chickenshit elites. Love y’all!

Turtle vs. worm

Mitch McConnell is apparently still alive and still a senator, and he is none too pleased with RFK Jr.’s desire to bring back polio. McConnell is a polio survivor and someone who remembers how fucking awful it was when diseases like that ravaged this country and killed lots and lots of people. So Mitch is throwing down a gauntlet of sorts that the brain worm guy should stop talking about bringing back polio if he wants to get confirmed by the Senate. Of course it’s McConnell so give it a week and he’ll be on Team Polio.

More: AP News

Mooooo

Devin Nunes is back. Yeah, we can’t fucking believe it either. Trump is giving Devin a job while also keeping him in charge of Truth Social. So yeah, that’s about as corrupt as it gets. Trump is asking Nunes to lead a national intelligence advisory board while also running his media company. If you’re looking for press outrage at this blatant corruption, you’re going to be looking for a while. The only good news here is that Devin Nunes is one of the dumbest and most incompetent people to ever walk this planet, so there’s a good chance he bring down Trump and all that he stands for.

More: NBC

Brava!!!

We always knew Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson was a star, but now we’ve got proof. This weekend, the justice is a longtime theater nerd (like a lot of us) who dreamt of performing on Broadway. And now she has. The justice appeared in a cameo role “& Juliet” at the Stephen Sondheim Theater. Everything sucks right now, but it’s cool to see that America can still be a place where dreams come true. Take a bow, ma’am.

More: Playbill

Today’s clips

South Korea’s opposition leader offered Sunday to work with the government to ease the political tumult as officials sought to reassure allies and markets, a day after the opposition-controlled parliament voted to impeachconservative President Yoon Suk Yeol over a short-lived attempt to impose martial law. More: AP News

President-elect Donald Trump’s recent “Meet the Press” interview has triggered concerns among allies and critics about his level of awareness of the details of the sprawling investigation into the Capitol attack that has produced hundreds of convictions in the nearly four years since Jan. 6. More: NBC