Trump’s Matt Gaetz

Happy Friday. There are 354 days until the midterm elections. The Schumer sellout gets worse, Trump wags like a dog and Matt Gaetz makes us rage puke.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It comes in handy when the president is an asshole.

Note: Sexy Patriots! We did it! We made it through another crap week here in Dumbshit Trump Country. Feels good, don’t it? Maybe we shouldn’t be so doom and gloom. It’s not like the president of the United States is a gross pedophile who tore down half the fucking White House. Oh wait.

Yeah, Trump is freaking the eff out about the Epstein shit, even bringing it up this morning to again accuse Democrats of a hoax and claiming he is directing Bondi to investigate what happened. “Don’t waste your time with Trump,” he wrote. LOL. We wish that was an option. How bad is the panic inside the White House? They rushed some children into the Oval Office last night to make Trump seem normal. Read that sentence again. Yeah, we’re not dealing with geniuses. And then there was this…

Yikes. So we spend days talking as a country about how Trump might be a pedophile who covers for other pedophiles and child traffickers and the White House’s response is hey let’s get this guy talking more about children? What’s next? He gonna work a shift at Chuck E. Cheese? Trade in the long red ties for bloody clown suits? Talk about fucking his own daughter some more? Trade in the presidential limo for a white windowless van? Why not just annex Epstein’s fucking island?

The Epstein survivors are furious, and so are we. They deserve answers. We all do. We also deserve a better president. Goddamnit. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Ok let’s try this again. We’re going to do a Therapy Session today at 3 p.m. ET/Noon PT. We’ll call this week’s session couple’s counseling. Join us!

Note three: Oh hell yeah. Trump might have issued federal pardons for his coup attempt, but the states aren’t quite done yet. Georgia and Nevada are still considering state-level prosecutions into Trump’s fake elector bullshit. Thank goodness. More: Fox5 Atlanta, The Hill

Note four: We simply cannot imagine the rage the women who survived Trump and Epstein must be feeling these days. More: HuffPost

Note five: Definitely watch this. It’s a good reminder that this isn’t about politics.

Note six: We mentioned this yesterday, but Megyn Kelly is seriously fucking gross and you should definitely keep your kids far away from her. More: Independent

Note seven: Remember when white mainstream reporters just couldn’t say if Trump is a racist? Well he removed a display honoring Black WWII soldiers. It’s probably just a coincidence he’s also restoring all that dumb confederate shit. More: CNN

Note eight: The Russia attacks on Ukraine are getting more evil, more cruel. Thank goodness Trump ended this war on Day One. More: NBC News

Note nine: Scott Bessent is making the media rounds to tell us that Trump is going to be backing off on some tariffs to bring down coffee and food prices. It’s almost like tariffs are a tax that make shit more expensive. More: New York Times

Note 10: We’ve always known this, but Texas A&M sucks. What a bunch of cowards.

Note 11: Congrats to Katie Wilson, the Zohran Mamdani of Seattle, on her win this week. Talk about a nail-biter. Every vote counts, y’all! More: HuffPost

Note 12: Pam Bondi is suing California over the recently passed Prop. 50, which will allow the state to draw new congressional districts. She is not suing Texas. And the biggest difference is that in California, voters made the decision. This is why we call her Bullshit Bondi. And lots of other things. More: Associated Press

Note 13: We are so goddamn sick and tired of this smirking little shit lying to us. Do these dumb motherfuckers think we don’t see the truth every fucking time we go to the grocery?

Note 14: John Fetterman fell and fucked up his face. We hope he’s ok. We also hope he kisses his own ass. More: The Hill

Note 15: Jellybean Doodiemouth (JD) Vance says he’s a “Grok guy,” which is seriously the lamest thing we’ve ever heard another dude utter. Does Grok stand for Getting Randy On Klippans? (The Klippan is an Ikea sofa that we looked up just for this joke.) More: Mediaite

Note 16: Trump is going after Eric Swalwell now. But considering Bill Pulte is corrupt as fuck and that should be easy to prove, we ain’t too worried for him. More: NBC News, Associated Press

Note 17: We are becoming really big Billie Eilish fans…

Note 18: How worried is Trump about anti-semitism? Well he found a new job in his administration for the piece of shit with a “nazi streak.” So yeah. More: Politico

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to Florida, where Trump grandchild Kai Trump is playing in her first LPGA golf event. So what’s happy about that? Well she only got in the tournament with a nepo baby exception and then she came in dead fucking last on the first day. LOLOL. If she’s not careful, she’s gonna get sent off to wherever they keep Tiffany. More: Mediaite

Note 20: And on that petty and hilarious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have a good weekend. You deserve it. And if you can find a way to take a shower for your brain, please god let us know. Love y’all!

BONUS NOTE: Because it was a long, gross week, here’s the Peanuts jamming to Sly and the Family Stone… More: YouTube

Schumer really sucks
We’ve heard arguments all week that the Senate sellouts actually did the right thing by folding and agreeing to reopen the government based on a handshake deal. We disagree but ok whatever. What we cannot get past is that those same senators were fine with a provision that allows Lindsey Graham and the other coup plotters to sue American put our fucking tax dollars in their fucking pockets. So you can imagine how ripshit livid we are to learn that Chuck fucking Schumer signed off on this corrupt bullshit. This guy needs to resign. As a leader, as a senator, as a Democrat. And let’s keep the pressure on because some of these assholes are already backing off their plans to sue and steal our money. More: HuffPost, NBC News

The Epstein War
There were multiple reports this week that Trump has been presented with military options for a land war in Venezuela. But hey, those Epstein files aren’t going to go away on their own, right? Yeah, Trump has moved an aircraft carrier group off the coast of South America, and we’re basically just waiting for the peace guy who solved eleventy kajillion wars to start some dumb shit. We’re sure the first people sent will be the rich kids of Republican politicians. Right? More: CBS News, The Guardian, Associated Press

This is so fucking gross
We’ve always known Matt Gaetz is a disgusting pigshit deviant criminal. But thanks to the New York Times, we now have a sense of just how depraved he really is. Yesterday the NYT wrote a detailed story about the girl, who was 17 at the time, that Gaetz paid to rape. She was working at McDonald’s, had a homeless parent and was saving up to buy braces. She was saving up to buy braces. That detail broke us. We are dealing with truly horrible and sick people, and this is why we can’t give up. Oh and remember that Trump wanted this fucking scumbag to be our Attorney General? Gee. Wonder why. More: New York Times, Independent

Today’s clips
CNN anchor Kaitlan Collins called out President Donald Trump for ignoring questions from reporters twice amid the renewed uproar over the Epstein files. More: Mediaite

More Americans are injecting themselves with unapproved chemicals that are pitched as ways to build muscle, rejuvenate skin and extend life, the latest example of the nation’s fascination with alternative therapies and wellness hacks. More: Associated Press

The latest city bracing for the Trump administration’s immigration crackdown is Charlotte, North Carolina, which could see an influx of federal agents as early as this weekend, a county sheriff said Thursday. More: Associated Press

The latest from Adam and Sam

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