Trump’s character witnesses
It’s Monday. There are 435 days until the midterm elections. Ron DeSantis is an a-hole, America continues to torture Kilmar and Virginia Giuffre has more to say.
Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It also smears makeup all over itself to cover up its super herpes. Oh wait that’s the president of the United States.
Note: Annnnnd we’re back! We missed you, Sexy Patriots! Thanks for the much-needed day off. We have so much to catch up on! Why don’t we start with the shocking news that Donald Trump is innocent of any wrongdoing in the Epstein case and has never acted like anything other than a gentleman. We know. We were shocked too. But hey, when a convicted child rapist and trafficker like Ghislaine Maxwell says Trump is a good dude, then we have no choice but to believe her. We’re just kidding. Only right-wing media would be that fucking gross and stupid.
Yeah, we spent two days in disbelief that Trump and his personal attorney thought that they could push Maxwell’s bullshit as some kind of proof of innocence, especially since she got transferred to a country club prison after she performed it. But then we heard from someone who really knows a thing or two about people preying on children…
LOL! They rolled out Gym Jordan as a character witness?! Too bad Dennis Hastert wasn’t available, right?! We were actually so convinced that we got out our ouija boards and found Trump someone else to vouch for his character. So here’s an interview with the ghost of John Wayne Gacy…
Us: This is so gross.
The ghost of John Wayne Gacy: Hey guys! Greetings from the depths of hell!
Us: So you murdered and defiled 33 young men and boys and kept them in a crawlspace under your house. Think Trump is innocent of the Epstein stuff?
JWG: Totally! He’s never been anything but a gentleman! Great guy! Except for the way he talks and acts.
Us: We guess it makes sense you’re a Trump supporter.
JWG: Someone who dresses like a clown and hurts kids? Sign me the fuck up, dudes.
Us: Ok this is even ickier than we thought it would be.
JWG: Yeah, that Trump is a good dude. Trump 2028! MAGA!
Us: Ok that’s enough.
Well there you have it — serial killer John Wayne Gacy reports from hell that Trump is totally cool and didn’t do anything wrong. Makes about as much sense as taking Maxwell’s word for it, don’t it? Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: Israeli strikes killed four more journalists. Getting hard to believe that’s an accident, isn’t it? More: NBC News
Note three: Maryland Gov. Wes Moore brought the heat yesterday, challenging President Cankles to walk the streets of Baltimore with him. The idea of walking make cankles so mad that he lost his shit. More: CBS News
Note four: Btw, Trump claimed that he gave Moore money to fix the bridge that collapsed. Here are some fact checks — Biden gave Maryland that money, and it’s U.S. taxpayer money that sure as shit doesn’t belong to Trump. More: Maryland Matters
Note five: Want to see footage from our day off?
Note six: U.S. troops started carrying weapons in D.C. this weekend. There was zero reason for it other than Trump wants to kill Americans. Or more Americans, we should say. More: NBC News
Note seven: The Washington Post is an absolute joke that has endorsed this disgusting military occupation, but they have an important story today about how kids going back to school are doing so in the middle of, well, a military occupation. More: Washington Post
Note eight: Trump is now planning to invade Chicago next. Kamala Harris told us this would happen, and the press asked her about fracking. More: ABC7 Chicago
Note nine: We knew Jiffylube Dickbrain (JD) Vance fucked couches, but we had no idea he skipped history class to do so. More: HuffPost
Note 10: Y’all know we are not fans of Meet the Press. But only because it’s weak shit that kisses Republican ass while mainstreaming their crazy. That said, Welker deserves credit for this…
Note 11: It’s wild that the president of the United States is so dumb that he thinks windmills are out to get him and it’s just treated as normal. Well now that crazy shit is costing a shitload of money and jobs so maybe it should be a bigger story. More: NPR
Note 12: The Daily Beast is reporting that RFK Jr. is planning to pull the covid vaccine from the market “within months.” So we’re gonna do the pandemic again. Fun! More: The Daily Beast
Note 13: The dickless dictator spent the evening ranting about the news media, Chuck Grassley and Chris Christie. Biden never did any of this shit and the press said he’d lost it. More: HuffPost, HuffPost II
Note 14: It’s hard to describe how mad and sad we are that Snoop Dogg turned out to be a homophobic piece of shit. How does he explain “Ain’t No Fun” to his nephew? Or years of calling women bitches and hoes? Or his murder trial? We never thought we’d say this, but fuck Snoop. More: EW
Note 15: Cankles ain’t doing so great. We’re excited to read Tapper’s book about this.
Note 16: Did y’all see Mamdani’s NYC scavenger hunt yesterday? It’s pretty cool seeing a politician who actually likes the people and place he is running to represent. More: NY1
Note 17: Trump wants the government to control the means of production. Isn’t there a word for that? More: NBC News
Note 18: Gavin Newsom’s latest trolling had us howling. It’s honestly kinda nuts that he and his team were the first to think of this. More: Mediaite
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we hope you’re ready to laugh. Superman looks like shit. Yeah, please enjoy this video of Dean Cain doing the ICE obstacle course. General Zod could kick this loser’s ass and General Zod died last week.
Note 20: And on that embarrassing note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great weekend. Thanks again for the day off. If you need it, we can get a note from Ghilsaine Maxwell excusing our absence. Love y’all!
DeSantis DeSucks
Most of the time we have the luxury of forgetting that pudding fingers Ron DeSantis exists. But then he does something totally assholeish and we’re forced to remember. Last week, DeSantis had workers and cops paint over a rainbow crosswalk in Orlando that was painted in remembrance of the victims of the Pulse massacre. So what did Orlando citizens do? They painted it back like the badasses they are. But ol’ pudding fingers had a tantrum and painted over it again and then had cops stand guard. Why the fuck are Republicans like this? Fuck that guy. Seriously just fuck that guy. More: Them.US, The Guardian
A must-read
Despite our jokes today, we actually don’t give a flying fuck what convicted child rapist and trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell has to say about anything. But we are damn eager to hear from her and Epstein’s victims. And this fall, we’ll all be hearing from Virginia Giuffre, the Epstein victim Trump claims Epstein “stole” from him. Giuffre took her own life earlier this year, but she had already written this memoir and her family is publishing it. We hope it gives them some measure of peace, and we hope it scares the living shit out of the scum who abused this poor girl. Nobody’s Girl is set to be released on Oct. 21. More: The Guardian
A national disgrace
This morning, ICE agents took Kilmar Abrego Garcia into custody with plans to take him to Uganda. Garcia was freed from jail on Friday and able to see his family in Maryland over the weekend before showing up to his immigration hearing today where he was promptly taken into custody. The Trump administration has repeatedly lied about Garcia in an effort to make Trump seem right, even though they are just smearing and torturing an innocent man. As protesters and well-wishers gathered this morning, Garcia said: “Never lose hope. Promise me you’ll continue [to] fight for freedom. Not just for me; for everybody.” Damn right, Kilmar. But first we’re going to cry our eyes out over what a shithole country we’ve become. More: NBC News
Today’s clips
President Donald Trump plans to sign executive orders Monday aimed at eliminating cashless bail for suspects arrested in Washington, D.C., and in other jurisdictions around the nation with similar policies, according to fact sheets describing the executive orders that the White House provided to NBC News. More: NBC News
President Donald Trump made a trademark Trumpian request after being allowed to hold the FIFA World Cup trophy at the White House. More: HuffPost
President Donald Trump is going to bat for Roger Clemens to make the Baseball Hall of Fame — despite rampant speculation that he used steroids late in his career. More: Mediaite
France has summoned the American ambassador to Paris after the diplomat, Charles Kushner, wrote a letter to French President Emmanuel Macron alleging the country did not do enough to combat antisemitism. More: The Hill
The latest from Adam and Sam
Thank you, D.C.
Donald Trump wanted to show everyone to see who’s in charge. And on Thursday night, the citizens of Washington, D.C. showed him just that.
Re: Snoop and Lightyear. Remember 7 or 8 years ago when everybody got their panties in a twist over a wedding on Arthur? This argument that kids don't need to see that stuff pisses me off -- it only seems weird to kids if WE make it weird! If we treat gay families like a totally normal way to be family (like they are), it won't be weird. When my kids were little, we took them to multiple parties, weddings, etc where there were LGBTQ+ and guess what? My kids had more questions about the differences between a Jewish wedding and a Christian wedding than about the fact that two women were getting married.
Snoop came out in favor of the maggot before the Olympics. We’ve hated him ever since.