Trump Sucks Dictator

It’s Thursday. There are 40 days until the midterm elections. Pete Hegsuck drives sailors to desperation, Couch Boy is a leaker and rolling out the red carpet for Red China.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it has never ignored a court order. Except that one time.

Note: Holy cow, Sexy Patriots! Things sure are fucked up here in ol’ America. How fucked up? Well we’re glad you asked. Things are so fucked up that the president who keeps calling us communists can’t stop blowing an actual communist dictator. It’s pathetic and embarrassing. It’s also not what we’re talking about in this here opening note. No, today we want to talk about what soft little bitch Trump really is. Just watch him crap himself when a plane flies over…

Uh-oh! Someone better call Natalie and tell her to bring the presidential diaper bag. That, folks, is 100 percent unrefined chickenshit. It’s also a good reminder that Donald Trump is nothing but a big mouth and a lot of make-up. We’re not usually conspiracy theory dudes, but are we seriously supposed to believe the super wuss who ruins his suit pants at the sound of a plane flying over was actually super tough when he got shot? Yeah, we aren’t buying it.

So while the next 40+ days will be fraught and scary, please remember that you are up against a total fucking wimp who destroys his depends at the sound of a jet. He wants us to be afraid of him, but we’re tougher than that. If only the same could be said for his pants. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Late last night, a judge issued a restraining order that forced the Trump White House to end its ban on reporters. This morning, those reporters were denied access. So here comes the lamest most beltway bullshit constitutional scandal of all time. More: HuffPost

Note three: The New York Times dropped new Senate polling this morning. They’ve got us leading in New Hampshire and Michigan and losing in Maine. We’ve just gotta ask — WHAT THE EFFING FUCK IS GOING ON IN MAINE?! (Note within a note: As Mainer Joe Sudbay points out, this poll was mostly conducted before the scandal story broke.) More: New York Times

Note four: Susan Collins spent yet another day crying about how unfair it is that the media is reporting about her corruption. She finally has something to be concerned about. More: ProPublica

Note five: We’ve always known that Tommy Tuberville was stupid but this is something else. Bro, if you’re seeing furries everywhere then that might be a lifestyle choice. We’re not judging. If dude wants to fuck Chuck E. Cheese, then more power to him.

Note six: We really admire Tammy Duckworth. So it would be great if she could explain to us what the effing fuck she is talking about here. She wants to work with Trump, not impeach him and help him save face? Is she fucking high? Do better, Senator. Or go the fuck home. More: C-Span

Note seven: Netanyahu is going to attack Mamdani today. We’re old enough to remember when he did the same thing to Obama. Well fuck Bibi. He should be in cuffs. More: Reuters

Note eight: The New York Times is doing what it always does when it wants to take down a Democratic woman — running a story about how mean she is to staff. Weird how you never see these stories about men. We’re not linking to it because fuck them.

NO GODDAMN LINK

Note nine: You know how Gavin Newsom and Rob Bonta sold us out and made a deal to allow Paramount and Warner Bros (and CNN) to go to a MAGA billionaire and some Saudis? Well now they’re trying to bring in Elon Musk. We sure hope Gavin and Rob are happy. We also hope they eat shit. More: Deadline

Note 10: Trump’s whole goddamn midterm message is that he’s gonna save America from communism. Well he’s doing a bang-up job so far…

Note 11: Trump’s good buddy Xi just recently stole some classified F-35 parts. Apparently we ship them by UPS, so this one is on us. More: AP

Note 12: Your tax dollars are being used to pay for ads that ask Americans to “love” Donald Trump. Can you imagine the scandal if Obama had… oh fuck it nevermind. More: HuffPost

Note 13: Why is Trump dressed like he’s in a blizzard? It was in the 60s yesterday.

Note 14: Trump’s lawsuit against pollster Ann Selzer was thrown out yesterday. We’re glad to see it. We’re not so glad to remember how wrong that poll was and how much false hope it gave us. More: The Hill

Note 15: ICE beat the fuck out of a U.S. citizen outside of Chicago. Could someone please show this to Sen. Duckworth? More: HuffPost

Note 16: If you’re like us, you forgot that Roseanne Barr existed. It was nice. But we were just reminded when she did more awful shit. More: HuffPost

Note 17: We haven’t been paying super close attention to the Minnesota U.S. Senate race because we figure they got this. But this sure is a huge ouch for the Republican candidate…

Note 18: Y’all already know it is best to ignore the polls, ignore the anecdotal evidence and just focus on the work. But you have got to see this freak out from an Iowa right-winger. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, dogs. We know everyone is stressed the fuck out right now, so please enjoy this adorableness…

Note 20: And on that super freaking cute note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having an amazing week. We also hope you don’t piss yourself at the sound of a jet. Or go around kissing the asses of commie dictators. Love y’all!

Impeach

Of all the Trump targets that Democrats should go after if/when we win, Pete Hegsuck has to be at the top of the list. Not only is he an abusive idiot who killed a lot of little girls, he has also driven some of our active-duty sailors to attempt suicide. A new report says that eight sailors with the USS Lincoln carrier group attempted to take their own lives while Trump and Hegsuck left them at sea for a record-long deployment. This is what happens when you have a commander-in-chief who thinks our troops are “suckers” and “losers.”

More: CNN

Just Doomed (JD) Vance

This story is fucking hilarious. The White House claimed that they can ban media outlets because those outlets used anonymous sources to report on national security. It turns out the call was coming from inside the White House. Who were the anonymous sources? Well, one of them was well-known couch fucker JD Vance. The rest were senior administration officials who insisted on anonymity. We freaking love this for JD. If you see him covered in ketchup, you’ll know why.

More: Yahoo News

The Red Carpet

So you’ve seen the videos of Trump creaming his shorts over a communist dictator. Remember a couple months ago when Trump held a primetime address to accuse this same guy of rigging the 2020 election? Guess he’s over it. Anyway, the suck-up continued as Trump went on social media to praise Xi as looking “strong, vibrant and fit.” Jeez, man. Get a room. We know we’re a broken record on this today, but how the fuck is this man accusing the rest of us of being communists? Seems like if that were true, he’d be kissing all our asses.

More: NPR

Today’s clips

AUSTIN, Texas (AP) — County election offices throughout Texas are scrambling to process a massive backlog of voter registration applications stemming from an error at the state level, a headache that is hitting just as they are preparing for voting to begin in the midterm elections. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump’s nominee to take over the Food and Drug Administration is set to answer questions Thursday, with Senate lawmakers likely to focus on her plans for vaccines, the abortion pill and other products that have come under new scrutiny at the regulatory agency. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — The FBI said Wednesday that it was investigating a criminal hacking group’s claims that it had stolen “very sensitive data” belonging to thousands of agents and applicants and that it had compromised the bureau’s jobs website. More: AP

JACKSON, Miss. (AP) — Civil rights attorney Ben Crump has scheduled the release of a forensic examination of Nolan Wells’ cellphone just days after a Mississippi grand jurydeclined to recommend anyone be charged in the teen’s death. More: AP

Iranian President Masoud Pezeshkian delivered a defiant speech at the United Nations on Wednesday as his government downplayed talks with the United States. More: AP

Key U.S. Treasury yields surged to fresh two-decade highs Thursday, as the price of oil returned to $105 per barrel. More: NBC News

Millions across the Northeast are bracing for an intense, multi-day Nor’easter this weekend that is forecast to bring heavy rain and strong wind gusts to the East Coast. More: NBC News

First lady Melania Trump on Wednesday shared a somewhat tepid assessment of the job performance of her husband, President Donald Trump, during an appearance on Fox News, choosing to tout the president’s work ethic and mentioning that he is “doing the best that he can” amid cratering approval ratings. More: HuffPost