‘Totally Exonerated’

It’s Tuesday. There are 259 days until the midterm elections. RIP to a civil rights hero, Republicans want to make it harder for women to vote and CBS craps on America.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And John Fetterman can eat shit.

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! How the heck are you today? Yeah, us too. Brains weren’t meant to hold this much dumb and shocking shit. It’s starting to come out of our ears. Every damn day there are like 30 new horrifying scandals that would have resulted in the literal tar and feathering of past presidents.

For example, the head of Trump’s enforcer department has been having a pretty public affair with his one-time campaign manager, who now works for her. The Wall Street Journal reported on it last week, and then this finally happened last night…

Here we go. The press has been a little late on this because it’s really freaking gross and nobody wants to think about those nazi pukes bumping uglies. Every reporter who was assigned the story responded with a 10-minute “ewwwwwwww” followed by three days of dry heaves. And really, extramarital affairs are pretty fucking normal for these freaks. Hell, we just assume RFK Jr. spends every free moment he has balls deep in whatever he can find at his local taxidermist’s office. And we all know Trump is the champ of all cheaters. He’s Hall of Fame! You just know he’s been having affairs other than that whole Putin pegging thing.

And so we’re ready to make a deal. We will allow all the normal tawdry sex scandals Trump and his gang of degenerates can generate in exchange for shutting down ICE and their concentration camps. This does not include the Epstein revelations because that is not about sex. But all normal non-evil sex scandals will be allowed. We promise not to get on our high horse, judge or kink shame. As long as the people in question are adults and people, we will make this trade. We will allow them to fuck each other in order to get them to stop fucking the rest of us. Let’s hope they take the deal. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Jeffery Epstein’s best friend said last night he has been “totally exonerated.” That is a lie. Goddamn the White House press for refusing to confront this bullshit. You can really tell it wasn’t their kids being trafficked. More: Independent

Note three: Speaking of Epstein, New Mexico is finally going to investigate his ranch. Hey so why the hell hasn’t this happened until now? More: The Guardian

Note four: The Trump scum are still trying to buy Warner Bros. This would pretty much be the end of American media. Believe it or not, CNN can get worse. More: NBC News

Note five: We don’t know who Noah Rothman is, but you should keep your kids far the fuck away from him.

Note six: RIP to Robert Duvall. We’re sure he was probably Trumpy, but the sonofabitch could act. Sam watched Days of Thunder last night, and it’s so freaking good. More: Associated Press

Note seven: Hey so we’ve got an election to win in Virginia this April. Our mission to make the creeps eat shit over redistricting ain’t over yet. More: 29News

Note eight: How can someone not love the Olympics? Did they not see Elana Meyers Taylor and Kallie Armbruster?! More: USA Today

Note nine: John Fetterman has been going on Fox to trash AOC. Today he went on there to endorse Voter ID and give Trump political advice. We can’t wait to flush this piece of shit in his next primary. What a pathetic simp. NO LINK

Note 10: Randy Fine is probably the most bigoted member of Congress. Do you have any idea how hard it is to win that title? It’s hard to understand how such a good-looking fella could be such a fucking asshole.

Note 11: L.A. Mayor Karen Bass is calling on LA28 Chairman Casey Wasserman to resign. This needs to happen immediately. Thank you, Mayor Bass. More: HuffPost

Note 12: We have much to say about how much CBS sucks. Good for Anderson Cooper for getting away from that sinking ship. More: NBC News

Note 13: Jon Ossoff is very, very good at this…

Note 14: A judge is forcing Trump to remember that slavery was real and horrible. This must be very hard for such a racist fuck. More: Associated Press

Note 15: From what we can tell, the brave people of Minnesota are still under federal occupation. That sounds like bad news for the occupiers because Minnie ain’t fucking around.

Associated Press

Note 16: ICE killed a teacher yesterday. Americans are being terrorized and killed by the federal government. More: WTOC

Note 17: The Boss dropped a radio edit and video for his song “Streets of Minneapolis.” Thank goodness for the artists who are stepping up.

Note 18: It seems safe to say that Germany does not like Trump. We’re sure the FCC is working hard to figure out how to censor a parade in a foreign country. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, here is the Rev. Jesse Jackson on Sesame Street. Man, is someone chopping onions in here?

Note 20: And on that beautiful note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are hanging in there. And we’re very sorry if our opening note made you hurl. Love y’all!

RIP
If you’re still choked up from that Jesse Jackson video, we get it. The Civil Rights icon and founder of the Rainbow PUSH Coalition has died. He was 84. It’s hard to overstate the influence Jackson had on American politics. He ran for president twice. As Adam Serwer of The Atlantic noted this morning, there would not have been a President Obama if not for the paths that Jackson blazed. Even Trump said nice things about the reverend this morning, though he couldn’t help but attack Obama in the process because Trump is a racist piece of shit. RIP, Rev. More: NBC News

Insulting
Republicans have trotted out a new talking point as they try to pass their voter suppression bill. Because the bill would make it much harder for women who changed their last names to vote, Republicans are on defense. So they’re telling everyone that it’s insulting to women to suggest they are too dumb to know how to find the proper documentation to prove their citizenship. We would argue that the insulting part is making it harder for them to vote. If Republicans nuke the filibuster for this bullshit, then that’s pretty much game over. But we doubt they’ve got the stones to do that. Still, let’s keep fighting this crap with everything we’ve got. More: AOL, Daily Kos

Bullshit Bari
Man, those cancel culture people were totally full of shit. Shocking, right? Last night, something really bad and really dark happened in America. Stephen Colbert was scheduled to have Texas Senate candidate James Talarico on his show. But the CBS lawyers said no. They said the FCC wouldn’t allow it. To his great credit, Colbert put the network on blast. But y’all, this is insanely fucked up. Networks are refusing to air interviews with political candidates for fear of upsetting the government. So welcome to the goddamn Soviet Union. And fuck Bari Weiss.

Today’s clips
President Donald Trump said Monday he would direct the Justice Department to seek the death penalty against Nancy Guthrie’s alleged kidnappers if she is killed. More: HuffPost

Belgium summoned the U.S. ambassador on Tuesday over a social media post where he accused the country of antisemitic prosecution of its Jewish community, the kingdom’s foreign minister said. More: NBC News

More than 73,000 North Carolinians will be given more time to show identifying documentation to election officials to remain on the state’s voter rolls following a settlement between the national parties and the state’s election board. More: NBC News

A shooting during a Rhode Island youth hockey game left three people dead, including the shooter, and three more hospitalized Monday night in critical condition, authorities said. More: Associated Press

Eight hundred episodes, 37 seasons, and one four-fingered family that refuses to age.

As “The Simpsons” hits a milestone few series have ever glimpsed this weekend, the architects behind Springfield are reflecting on the choices that turned crude 1987 shorts from “The Tracey Ullman Show” into a cultural juggernaut. More: The Simpsons

Thomas Pritzker will retire as the executive chairman of Hyatt Hotels after details of his affiliation with Jeffrey Epstein were revealed in documents related to the burgeoning investigation of ties the notorious sex trafficker had to the elite and powerful. More: Associated Press