Too Much Liquid

It’s Tuesday. There are 406 days until the midterm elections. The whiniest fascists ever, Justice Kagan claps back and Dr. Not-a-doctor and President Dumbass hold the most idiotic presser ever.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It’s probably why we didn’t get raptured. Well that and the other stuff.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, by now you know the good news that Disney came to its senses after losing roughly a SHITLOAD of money because of your beautiful boycotts, and Jimmy Kimmel is returning to the air tonight. Y’all did that. And y’all helped cause the pants-shittening temper tantrum that Trump is almost definitely going through. Feels good, don’t it?

Yeah, Disney ain’t looking so great these days. They folded to Trump with that ridiculous bribe over This Week, and then they pull this crap. We had high hopes for the house of mouse when they were fucking up Ron DeSantis, but this is some wet noodle garbage. We wanted to get to the bottom of it so we went right to the source…

Us: Hey, Mickey Mouse.

Mickey Mouse: Hey guys. Love the newsletter.

Us: That’s surprising. Seems like you’d want to censor us.

MM: Don’t put that shit on me! You have no idea how much pressure I’m under!

Us: You’re a cartoon mouse.

MM: Yeah, I am. And I still get hundreds of thousands of death threats because Trump’s people are fucking crazy!

Us: Well we don’t envy that, but you need to have courage and stand up for free speech.

MM: Yeah, no fucking shit, Captains Obvious. You think I can’t read a stock ticker? You can have your precious Jimmy back.

Us: Don’t get tough with us, Mouse! We’ve seen you kiss orange ass and we know Minnie pegs you!

MM: I had that coming. Sorry, guys. Sorry, America.

Don’t worry. We’re all cool now. We went out for wings after that interview. He knows not to do that stupid shit again, but we’ll be watching to make sure. Y’all have a blessed day. And a happy Rosh Hashanah to our Jewish friends!

Note two: The assholes at Sinclair are still being assholes and say they won’t air Kimmel tonight. So please get on the phone with your local Sinclair station and tell them how much shit they can eat. Also, we’re sorry we kink-shamed Mickey Mouse. More: Deadline

Note three: The dumbest dumbshit world leader ever was addressing UN today while we were writing. You won’t be surprised to hear he made a total goddamn fool of himself. More: HuffPost

Note four: If you want to be madder than a goddamn hornet and deeply ashamed of your country, then definitely read this story about ICE agents taking a five-year-old girl and using her as bait. These motherfuckers are gonna need to stand trial. More: NBC Boston

Note five: Speaking of dirty motherfuckers who need to stand trial, here’s Tom Homan weeping like a war widow while also NOT denying that he took a big ol’ sack of cash as a bribe.

Note six: Back on the Kimmel front for a second, we want to say thanks to Zohran Mamdani, who publicly refused to do a local ABC debate until Kimmel was reinstated. This is the kind of action we are demanding from Democratic leaders. Thanks, Zo. More: NBC News

Note seven: Kimmel should come out nude tonight, right?

Note eight: Trump signed his stupid anit-antifa executive order yesterday. As far as we’re concerned he can eat it, shit it out and feed it to Melania. More: CNN

Note nine: This isn’t about politics, but we wanted to send some love to Pamela Anderson and her make-up free look. She was so fucking good in the new Naked Gun. More: NBC News

Note 10: We’re gonna talk more about this in the news section, but here’s a real doctor saying real shit about Tylenol and autism, and we highly recommend you listen to this guy instead of the dipshit with the brain worm.

Note 11: In what might be the least surprising news ever, gross Elon’s gross dad has been accused of molesting his kids and step-kids. It’s strange because Elon turned out so normal. More: Mediaite

Note 12: Trump does so much evil shit that we are often aghast at what we miss. For example, the guy who cut food assistance is also getting rid of a national government survey about people going hungry. Man, that’s fucked up. More: HuffPost

Note 13: Speaking of fucked up, you should probably read this story about Kristi Noem and Corey Lewandowski. But be prepared to take a Silkwood shower right after. Because it is super cringe. More: NY Mag

Note 14: Yesterday Trump agreed to meet with Schumer and Jeffries about keeping the government open. He then canceled that meeting this morning. Shut it the fuck down. More: Huff Post

Note 15: We were gonna save this for the Happy Ending, but we couldn’t wait…

Note 16: Want to see something hilarious? Watch FCC head Brendan Carr backtrack on his Kimmel claims like the gutless, limp-weinered wuss that he is. More: HuffPost

Note 17: It’s Tuesday so people are voting. If they’re voting near you, please join them and don’t vote for any assholes. The big one is the special congressional election in Arizona we’re expected to win, and that will get the Epstein discharge to 218 (we think; we’re bad at math). More: Bolts Mag

Note 18: Laura Loomer is straight up racist trash. So are the mainstream news media who are ignoring the president’s adviser saying this despicable shit about Jasmine Crockett. Eat shit and then go fuck yourself, Loomer. More: The Root

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to Los Angeles. And while we apologize for the trauma this will cause, we couldn’t stop laughing at it. If you didn’t see Sam’s Kash impression last week, you’ll have to join us for our therapy session tomorrow.

Note 20: And on that eye-popping note (seriously are they trying to run away from the rest of his face?), let’s go do some news! We sure hope your week is off to a good start. And if you’re looking for something to watch tonight, we have a couple of ideas. Love y’all!

Bonus Note: We’re always sharing Earth, Wind and Fire during September, but the Temptations mention this month too. We’re sorry we haven’t mentioned it before. More: YouTube

So goddamn whiny
Kristi Noem was on Fox News whining about Gavin Newsom telling her she was gonna have a bad day. Scott Jennings is snitching on Keith Olbermann. And the White House is crying that Kamala Harris called Trump a “tyrant” last night. Aren’t these right-wingers supposed to be tough? Because we can’t recall a day when they weren’t whining like some fucking babies. They sure can dish it out, but man they can’t take it. More: HuffPost, HuffPost II, Yahoo

Kagan’s clapback
Yesterday a corrupt and broken SCOTUS again said Trump can do whatever he wants, and they once again did it on a shadow docket with no explanation. Well the three liberal justices are rightfully sick of that shit, and Kagan made clear it’s not normal and not acceptable. We are enormously grateful to these women for repeatedly sounding the alarm. We only wish there were more of them. Kagan’s dissent is a short read and worth taking in. More: New Republic

What the fuck was that?
The Trump-RFK Tylenol press conference was one of the dumbest things we’ve ever seen, and we’ve lived under two Trump administrations so that’s really saying something. Talking out of his ample orange ass, Trump went on and on about how bad Tylenol is for pregnant women and how they should just “tough it out.” He also went off on vaccines for kids, saying there’s “too much liquid” going into children when they get the shots. So basically we’re back to the stupid covid shit but without Dr. Fauci there to keep it grounded in reality. Good luck, everyone! More: NBC News

Today’s clips
Fox News aired criticism Monday of controversial new media restrictions at the Pentagon, which will require credentialed journalists to sign a pledge not to report information that hasn’t been authorized for release — even if the information is already unclassified. More: HuffPost

Former Vice President Kamala Harris — speaking out in her first TV news interview since leaving office in January — absolutely laced into President Donald Trump, who she labeled a “tyrant.” More: Mediaite

U.S. Secret Service agents have dismantled a network of electronic devices at multiple locations around New York City that could be used to disable the city's cellphone network, officials said Tuesday. They said the system was also used to anonymously convey assassination threats against senior U.S. officials and for criminal activities. More: NBC News

Sen. Bill Cassidy (R-LA) called out President Donald Trump on Monday for advising pregnant women not use Tylenol, claiming that “the preponderance of evidence shows” there are no ties between the painkiller and autism. More: Mediaite