Today’s Big Stuff 8.7.24 | Coach Walz brings in the dough

It’s Wednesday. There are 90 days until the general election. Trump totally freaks the eff out, Coach Walz brings in the dough and VP Harris is official.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Today it’s using it in a mostly joyful way.

Harris for President Campaign Photo

Note: As the man said, Sexy Patriots, joy is back! The clouds of fear and anxiety have parted and excitement rules the day. Thanks to Vice President Kamala Harris and her new running mate Tim Walz, we are having a gosh dang blast. We are fired up, we’re dancing in the living room and we can’t stop smiling. And while we know news cycles move fast these days, we must point out again that OUR VICE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE MADE A JOKE ABOUT HIS REPUBLICAN OPPONENT HAVE SEX WITH COUCHES!!!!

Well goddamn. Excuse us. We’ve got something in our eye. Is it dusty in here? We’re sorry to get emotional. But a high school football coach who makes thinly veiled jokes about Jellybean Dongback (JD) Vance doing it to couches is the kind of thing that really gets us. He’s a candidate for the whole party. A teacher. A veteran. A father. A fighter for women’s rights. An ally. And someone who makes jokes about Vance putting his little pecker in couches. We are so happy right now. And the whiny pearl-clutching pundits who want to whine about this can kiss our hot asses. 

We’ve got 90 days to do this thing and put those wonderful people in the White House while keeping the freaks in the freak shed at Mar-a-Lago. Let’s put this joy to work and spread the word! And let’s hope Gov. Walz has more couch jokes because that shit is hilarious. Y’all have a blessed day. 

Note two: How the hell have we been making fun of Junebug Dipshittin (JD) Vance for years and never thought of JV Vance?! That’s why VP Harris is gonna be president and we’re just a cussing newsletter.

Note three: How great was Pennsylvania Gov. Josh Shapiro yesterday? It couldn’t have been easy to give a speech introducing the ticket he wasn’t included on, and yet he blew the gosh damn roof off the joint. That guy is just getting started. More: The Philadelphia Inquirer

Note four: We forgot to tell y’all the good news. The QAnon Shaman is getting his helmet and spear back. And just in time for another election. Hey, we’re not judges but maybe that’s not the smartest move. More: CNN

Note five: We don’t know about you, Sexy Patriots, but our goosebumps have goosebumps lately…

Note six: One of the Arizona fake electors has pleaded guilty. Lock them up! Lock them up! More: ABC News

Note seven: Senate Democrats are going on offense against their Republican opponents, who are all terrible. We’re not kidding. It’s amazing how Republicans manage to find the worst people in the world and convince them to run for the Senate. More: Politico

Note eight: Speaking of the world person in the world, anti-gay scumbag Valentina Gomez who ran a campaign telling people to not be “weak and gay” came in sixth place in her primary last night. Still seems too high. But now at least she’ll have plenty of time to eat shit. More: The Pink News

Note nine: Elon Musk is now straight up calling Vice President Harris a “communist” and he’s doing an “interview” with Trump on Monday. So yeah twitter is basically just a Trump site now. What a tragedy. More: Huff Post

Note 10: Trump called into Fox and Friends this morning. He ain’t doing so well…

Note 11: We wrote a story about what Tim Walz isn’t. We’ll warn you that there is talk of sex with furniture. More: Adam and Sam, The Alt Media

Note 12: Did y’all see the US Women’s soccer team yesterday? What a game! On to the gold medal game for the first time since 2012! More: ESPN

Note 13: Yesterday we made clear that it’s important we all ignore the polls. That said, a new Marist/NPR poll has VP Harris leading Trump 51-48 and 48-45 with brain worm idiot included. More: NJ.com

Note 14: We’ve been trying so hard to not include any Olympics spoilers, but Gabby Thomas, y’all. More: NBC News

Note 15: Our guy is really freaking good at this. It’s why the GOP and their pundit friends are losing it…

Note 16: RIP to Billy Bean, a Major League Baseball hero to the LGBTQ+ community. More: ESPN

Note 17: Remember Rep. Andy Ogles? Yeah, we didn’t either. But he’s the simple jackass who has been trying to impeach VP Harris. And yesterday his offices were raided by the FBI. No wonder he hates a former prosecutor. More: News Channel 5

Note 18: Jackanapes Droopnuts (JD) Vance is back on the campaign trail being weird as hell this morning. We won’t link to it because really who gives a shit?

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you back to the Olympics via our friends on Sesame Street…

Note 20: And on that beautiful note, let’s go do some news! The pundits are gonna try and steal our joy over the next three months. They’re going to try and make us feel bad when we’re laughing at couch gags. We say fuck ‘em. The pundits. Not the couches. Love y’all!

Yikes
So this ain’t exactly breaking news, but Trump is losing his shit. While Walz and Harris were blowing the roof off the joint in Philly, Trump was doing Truth Social posts alongside Stephen Miller claiming that Democrats don’t actually want this amazing ticket and are begging President Biden to reverse a coup or some shit. It’s so obvious that their whole plan was to run against Biden and instead of coming up with a new plan, Trump is just stuck yelling the same deranged crap. What a loser. More: The Hill

Money man
Despite the all-caps insanity of a certain former president, it’s pretty obvious that Democrats are fired the eff up about Walz, and we showed it yesterday with our pocketbooks. According to reports, the campaign raised more than $40 million yesterday. Holy shit! We’ve got dough, we’ve got energy, we’ve got badass candidates and we’ve got the other side running scared. Who’s feeling good? More: QZ

Let’s do this
It is now official that Vice President Kamala Harris is the Democratic nominee for president. She is the first Black and Asian woman to be a major party nominee. While we’re still gonna do the ceremonial stuff at the convention, yesterday’s rally in Philly was a darn good preview. Yesterday the Vice President was officially certified as the Democratic nominee, winning a majority of roll call votes in a virtual roll call. It’s on. Let’s do this. More: ABC News

Today’s clips
As a teacher and coach at Mankato West High School, Tim Walz gave out hallway high-fives, was named “most inspiring teacher,” motivated students to become educators themselves and helped create a turnaround story for the football team. More: NBC News

Stocks popped Wednesday as investors looked to claw back losses from recent sessions. More: NBC News