Today’s Big Stuff 7.31.24 | Donald Trump freaks out over Project 2025

It’s Wednesday. There are 97 days until the general election. Trump freaks out over Project 2025, we’ve got a running mate rollout schedule and the Vice President blows the roof off in Hotlanta.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It is also fond of the occasional poop joke. 

Note: Hey Sexy Patriots! We have a new favorite thing! Move over, bubble wrap, cotton candy and cuss words! From now on, our favorite thing is Vice President Kamala Harris absolutely roasting Donald Trump for being a gutless chickenshit who’s too afraid to debate her. Ok so she puts it better than we do…

Oh damn. “SAY IT TO MY FACE!” Yes! We actually had a live camera in Mar-a-Lago focused on Trump’s fragile sense of manhood at that exact moment, and we can confirm that it shriveled even more than it already was, limped down Donnie’s orange leg, crawled into a sewer, dove under the shit water and was never seen nor heard from again. It was probably eaten by a sewer gator. It was probably not a big meal. Bye, Trump’s manhood! LOL! 

We don’t know what’s going to happen over the next few months, but we know we sure are having fun fighting for our democracy, and we just can’t say thank you enough to Vice President Harris, President Joe Biden, their badass campaign teams and all of you beautiful superstars for making this such a joyous and righteous campaign. The VP is ready for this fight, and we are damn excited to be in it with her. Let’s keep this feeling going. Let’s win this thing. Y’all have a blessed day. 

Note two: We forgot to mention it earlier, but you look hot as hell today. You smell great too. Why is your newsletter buttering you up? Because we need a favor. Please share us with your friends. But only the cool ones. The squares can’t handle our fire. 

Note three: Sad news for democracy. One of the Arizona Republicans in Maricopa County who actually stood up for the law and counting votes and stuff lost his primary last night. That means there is nothing about the GOP that is worth saving, so let’s finish them off this November. More: NBC News

Note four: The good news is that likely serial killer and wearer of human skin Blake Masters lost his primary too. Oh well. This is what happens when you’re a weird asshole. More: NBC News

Note five: Voting for a woman makes a man transition into a woman? Well that would explain how we got smarter after 2016. 

Note six: The Arizona U.S. Senate race is set, and the DSCC already dropped its first ad against Kari Lake, calling her a liar and power hungry. Let’s go Ruben Gallego! More: Associated Press

Note seven: It looks like President Biden will speak on the first night of the Democratic convention. We hope and expect our party to give this man the applause he has earned. More: CBS News

Note eight: Apparently Trump is still really focused on changing the colors of Air Force One. But we’re sure he’ll get around to that healthcare plan any day now. More: Politico

Note nine: How in the hell does Jiggly Dongtaint (JD) Vance keep getting weirder? Like there should be a rule that you can’t get any weirder after you’ve been accused of fucking couches and looking up dolphin porn. More: Huff Post

Note 10: Pardon our French Olympics, but hell fucking no you do not get to come for American gymnastics angel Simone Biles. Goddamnit, Jockstrap Dangledongle (JD), stop being so darn weird! 

Note 11: We were gonna wait until the news section to share this, but holy freaking crap look at these new swing state polls. More: Sam and Adam, The Alt Media

Note 12: Simone Biles. An actual goddess walks among us. More: CNN

Note 13: Trump spent part of yesterday attacking VP Harris for hating Jewish people even though she’s married to one. So when do the major papers start talking about his cognitive decline? More: Associated Press

Note 14: We have somehow failed to share with y’all the accusations against Trump from his nephew. Sorry about that. More: ABC News

Note 15: Even Joe Manchin thinks Vance is weird. And Joe Manchin sucks.

Note 16: Is anyone else damn excited to see the Biden economy fully unleashed when the Fed starts cutting rates? More: NBC News

Note 17: Here’s another leak from our broken SCOTUS. This one is about how Sam Alito is a dickhead. We didn’t need a leak to know that. More: CNN

Note 18: LOL! Rubio is such a weird loser!

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we go back to the Olympics where the U.S. women’s rugby team medaled in spectacular fashion and earned a $4 million donation from Michele Kang. Congratulations!!! More: Yahoo Sports

Note 20: Ally Sammarco read Hillbilly Elegy. Her takeaway: J.D. Vance needs therapy, not the vice presidency. More: Ally Sammarco

Note 21: And on that triumphant note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a good week. And if you watched VP Harris last night, then we know you are. Come on, Donald! Say it to her face! Love y’all!

Nice try, orangey
So Trump is officially freaked out over Project 2025 because it’s weird as hell and it shows how weird he is. So yesterday Trump had his campaign bosses push out the Heritage Foundation’s dude in charge of Project 2025 and then they sent out a menacing statement about how no one should try to represent the campaign or something. The thing is it was such bullshit that even New York Times reporters weren’t falling for it. More: Associated Press

Let’s freaking go!
So we’re about to find out who VP Harris’s running mate is. We will know by Tuesday who it’s going to be, and then Harris and her new teammate will hit the road for rallies in Philadelphia, Western Wisconsin, Detroit, Raleigh, Savannah, Phoenix and Vegas. We’re so excited a little pee just came out. More: CBS News

Kamlanta
Holy freaking crap did y’all see the energy and excitement in Atlanta last night? With Megan Thee Stallion warming up the crowd, Vice President Harris brought the house down as more than 10,000 people jammed into an arena after waiting in line for hours. Our champion used the occasion to blast Trump for being a chickenshit but also to let voters know that she will sign a pro-abortion rights bill just as soon as it lands on her desk. The VP is rolling, and we are here for every second of it. More: AJC

Today’s clips
Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh was killed by a predawn airstrike in the Iranian capital Wednesday, Iran and the militant group said, blaming Israel for a shock assassination that risks escalating the conflict even as the U.S. and other nations were scrambling to prevent an all-out regional war. Iran’s supreme leader vowed revenge against Israel. More: Associated Press