Three Mile Island Part II

It’s Wednesday. There are 349 days until the midterm elections. Little Johnson gets pantsed, Trump sucks some Saudi and we want the list.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it doesn’t kiss the ass of bonesaw-wielding monsters.

Note: We don’t know about you, Sexy Patriots, but we could use a laugh. These are heavy times, and we’re dealing with some truly heavy shit. Like the president of the United States perhaps being a goddamn pedophile who is covering for a ring of rich and powerful pedophiles. So yeah, we are desperate to lighten shit up if for only a moment. Fortunately, the president being a total dumbass means he can also often be unintentionally hilarious.

And we can’t think of anything that’s funnier than this shit…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Oh goddamn that is so fucking funny we just peed. To recap, Trump and his dipshit cult were so worried about losing the midterms that they hatched a scheme to redraw congressional districts and just make blue and purple districts red. They started in Texas, and (FART NOISE) a Trump judge just said nope! Not only that, the judge also called out Trump’s DOJ morons for being morons. This isn’t the Gang Who Couldn’t Shoot Straight. This is the Gang Who Shot Off Its Own Pecker, Both Feet and One of Its Asscheeks.

And it gets better. Because California voted to redraw its districts and Virginia is giving it some serious thought, we could start out with a great big jumpstart on winning next year and get rid of some scumbag GOPers while we’re at it. We’re sure our corrupt and broken SCOTUS will bend over (backwards?) to make sure our joy is short-lived. But for now we can laugh at the president for being a total fucking idiot, and we sure love doing that. Y’all have a blessed day. More: NPR

Note two: We’ve all been burnt to a crisp by bad polls, but a new Marist poll out this morning has us whooping the living shit out of Republicans next year. Full-steam ahead! More: Marist Poll

Note three: And since we’re going down the poll hole, Reuters has Trump’s approval down to 38 percent. Who the fuck are these 38 percent and why do they hate America? More: Reuters

Note four: Need some therapy? Yeah, us too. So please join us today at 4 p.m. ET/1 p.m. PT today when we air it out.

Note five: We talk a lot of shit about the mainstream media, but respect to ABC’s Mary Bruce for asking these important and legit questions in the Oval yesterday. Shame on every punk wuss who was too chickenshit to follow up.

Note six: The guy who told us Trump is on the Epstein list was at the White House’s gross dinner last night. You have to believe he wouldn’t keep showing up if he had any friends. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Rep. Clay Higgins is the piece of shit who was literally the only person to vote against releasing the Epstein files yesterday. But we’re not shocked that a dirty cop would want to protect criminals. Keep your kids far away from Clay Higgins. More: Associated Press

Note eight: The White House is defending Trump calling a reporter “piggy.” We stayed mad about this all fucking day yesterday. The world is desperate for someone to stand up to this fucking asshole. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Just a reminder that healthcare premiums are about to go through the goddamn roof and the Republican Party is totally cool with that. More: NBC News

Note 10: This clip of Nancy Mace saying she has no friends was sent to us by someone named “Capt. Obvious.”

Note 11: Trump’s thugs are now in Raleigh. This really does feel like America is being attacked. More: Associated Press

Note 12: Today’s newsletter headline comes from the horrifying news that Trump is giving the owner of Three Mile Island $1 billion of our money to restart the doomed facility and put it to work for Microsoft. So who’s ready to glow in the dark? More: CNBC

Note 13: It’s not funny, but we still laughed when we saw who they sent out to defend Trump on Epstein…

Note 14: The kiss-asses at Politico are reporting that Trump has some new “peace” deal with Moscow he’s about to unveil. We’ve heard this dumb shit before. NO GODDAMN LINK

Note 15: Lindsey Graham said on Fox News this morning that he’s going to sue DOJ for “tens of millions of dollars.” We’d like to thank Chuck Schumer for making this possible. More: Fox News

Note 16: Are we the only ones crazy excited to see the new Wicked movie? More: HuffPost

Note 17: We’re not converting yet, but damn if this pope doesn’t have us thinking about it.

Note 18: Laura Loomer said yesterday that Republican have a “nazi problem.” LOL. Yeah, no fucking shit. More: Mediaite

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to Harvard. This is a video of a humiliated Larry Summers reading a statement to his students about his disgraceful involvement with Jeffrey Epstein. Summers resigned from an OpenAI board seat, but he’s going to keep teaching?! Anyway, let’s call this another win for the survivors. Eat shit, Larry.

Note 20: And on that just note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a lovely week. We also hope Republicans lose 50 seats next year because of President Dumbfuck’s scheming. Love y’all!

Speaker LOL
Mike Little Johnson voted to release the Epstein files. But he wasn’t happy about it. In a press conference yesterday morning, Johnson continued lying about how Republicans want the files released but with names redacted and people involved protected. Basically he was trying to reconcile a whole bunch of lies after he refused to swear in Adelita Grijalva and even sent the House home early to avoid voting on the release. So our antennae were raised when Johnson kept saying yesterday that he had talked to John Thune and the Senate was going to amend the release to protect the people in the files. And then Thune did no such thing. The measure passed the Senate immediately and didn’t even require a vote. There is a lot to be joyful about here, but learning just how much the Republican Senate hates Little Johnson was a nice bonus. More: Mediaite

Saudi’s sucker
Well yesterday sure was fucking gross. Trump invited Saudi murderer MBS to the White House for an Oval Office make-out session and then a fancy dinner. Trump lied to defend MBS over his murder and dismemberment of Washington Post columnist Jamal Khashoggi, he announced we’re selling F-35s to the country and he generally made it clear that he belongs to Saudi Arabia. It was a disgusting affair all around. In fact it was so gross, even the buttlicks at the Washington Post called it out as “weak” and “crass.” Also, we’d like to say fuck you to Tim Cook, Bret Baier and Christian Ronaldo for endorsing this murderous asshole by showing up to dinner. More: Associated Press, The Guardian, Mediaite

Release the (whole) list!
Congratulations to the Epstein survivors! They have courageously fought like hell against all odds — and against the rich and powerful — to get the truth out. And now we just need Pam Bondi and Trump to do the right thing. Oh damn. Yeah, it’s been really something watching this week as the Republican Epstein/Trump defenders crumbled, and the bill landed on Trump’s desk. He says he’ll sign it, but we’ll see. We are also damn skeptical that Bullshit Bondi is going to let us see the whole thing. We want the list, the whole list, and we want it now. Thank you to the brave survivors for fighting this fight. More: CNN, NBC News

Today’s clips
Harvard University is reinvestigating connections between its former president Larry Summers and Jeffrey Epstein, a university spokesperson said Wednesday. More: Associated Press

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-N.Y.) and New York City Mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani seem reluctant to support a progressive primary challenge of House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries (D-N.Y.). More: HuffPost

James Comey will appear before a federal judge in Virginia on Wednesday as his attorneys argue that the former FBI director is facing a “selective and vindictive” prosecution by the Trump administration, a key hearing that could determine the future of the case. More: NBC News

A whistleblower who came forward to House Democrats alleging convicted sex offender Ghislaine Maxwell received preferential treatment at a federal prison camp in Texas says she was not motivated by politics. More: NBC News

Del. Stacey Plaskett (D-Virgin Islands) gave a fiery speech on the House floor on Tuesday that irked at least one Republican in the chamber. More: Mediaite