Thoughts, prayers and making sh*t worse
It’s Monday. There are 484 days until the midterm elections. Elon Leon starts a losers’ party, the president doesn’t want to talk about FEMA and Trump covers for his best friend Jeffrey Epstein.
Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It’s way more satisfying than thoughts and prayers.
Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, it’s America in the year 2025, so the weekend was marked by a terrible tragedy that was immediately followed by idiotic right-wing conspiracy theories, a president who’s too fucking stupid to know what’s happening and, of course, lots of thoughts and prayers…
Anybody here need this weird little fuckstick to be their preacher? No? Ok cool. We don’t either. We were just gonna go off on a lengthy cussing rant about how goddamn dumb it is to cut weather forecast services and replace them with prayers, but instead we reached out to the woman upstairs…
Us: Are you there, God? It’s us; the cussing newsletter guys.
God: Hey boys! Hearing from you a lot these days. Shit must be bad down there.
Us: Yeah, it is. But you must be hearing all the prayers?
God: Nope. I spent the weekend at my golf course. Oh no wait that’s the fucking idiot y’all made president.
Us: Ok we walked right into that.
God: Like what the hell did you dumb shits think was gonna happen? You saw him talk about his fucking television ratings while COVID killed millions. Did you think he suddenly got smarter?
Us: No. No we did not.
God: I’m frankly sick of all of this shit. I send you scientists, but you say fuck science. I send you meteorologists, and you instead listen to the Jewish space lasers idiot. I send you Kamala, and you elect the piece of shit who attacked your capital. So how is this on me?
Us: You raise some good questions, ma’am. So should we stop praying?
God: Not at all. But shit in one hand and pray in the other and see which hand gets full first. Or maybe just use the tools I gave you to save the planet I gave you and stop fucking over kids.
Us: Yes ma’am.
Phew. She seems really pissed off. And we get it because we are too. We’re sending love to the people of Texas and giant middle fingers to every heartless freak who helped make shit worse. Y’all have a blessed day. More: HuffPost
Note two: Speaking of the Jewish space lasers idiot, she’s at it again. We’re sending thoughts and prayers that she pulls her head out of her ass. HuffPost
Note three: If we can be serious for a moment, this really is a devastating tragedy that breaks our hearts. Take a deep breath before you read about it. It’s not easy. More: HuffPost
Note four: We hope y’all had a great Fourth of July even though we know that wasn’t easy to do this year. If you’re like us, you used the occasion to eat your feelings in the form of hot dogs, watermelon and ice cream cake.
Note five: Elon Leon retrained his AI bot to be a nazi. We wish we were joking. Maybe if we tell people Mandani did this then the press and the right-wingers pretending to hate antisemitism will give a fuck.
Note six: Hey so apparently we’re still doing that dumb tariff shit. Good luck to us all. More: NBC News
Note seven: Amanda Gorman brought us to tears when she delivered her poem at Biden’s inauguration. Now she wants to run for president. Sounds good to us. More: HuffPost
Note eight: Pundits and a-holes like Fettermanchin just can’t figure out why Democrats are having a hard time being proud of America these days. We’re happy to explain it to them with lots and lots and lots of cuss words. More: Mediaite
Note nine: They’re really gonna do it. They’re really gonna host a UFC fight at the White House. We really shouldn’t be stealing this end-of-empire behavior from Rome. They lasted a helluva lot longer than we have. More: NBC News
Note 10: Well this is the funniest fucking thing we’ve seen in a while. Every time he walks out on that balcony he does something idiotic. Remember when he stared at the eclipse like a total dumbshit? What a dunce.
Note 11: Ozzy Osbourne has always been, to put it charitably, a trainwreck of a human being. But he sure made a lot of awesome music. Ozzy and Black Sabbath played their last concert this weekend, and we want to wish them well and say thanks for Paranoid. More: NBC News
Note 12: We were gonna share a story about Tiffany Trump’s new kid, but we figured if Trump doesn’t give a shit then we don’t have to either. More: NO LINK ON PURPOSE
Note 13: While America was celebrating itself this weekend, we were also shipping some poor immigrants to South Sudan even though they’re not from there. Judges tried to stop it, and a corrupt and soulless SCOTUS let it happen. Shame on us. More: HuffPost
Note 14: Want to see just how dumb and self-destructive a country can be? Then read this super uplifting story about how measles are at an all-time high since the disease was eradicated 25 fucking years ago. Stupidity is going to kill us. More: USA Today
Note 15: We’d like to say a big thank you to the Mexican crews who are helping with the flood rescues in Texas. Maybe this will make the cold dead hearts of American racists grow like the Grinch’s did. But probably not.
Note 16: Speaking of Mexico, congrats to them on beating the U.S. in the Gold Cup championship yesterday. It’s so weird to watch these events these days and be rooting for everyone but us. More: ESPN
Note 17: We told y’all Friday about the disgusting smear piece the New York Times ran against Mamdani. Since then, they have doubled down, lying to their readers about the need to publish it. Well last night, Semafor revealed that NYT editors were worried they’d get “scooped” by prominent racist Chris Rufo. What the effing fuck is happening at that paper?! More: Semafor
Note 18: We were gonna make this the happy ending, but we just couldn’t wait — Elon Leon’s Tesla ain’t doing so hot today. LOLOL!!! More: CNBC
Note 19: For the actual Happy Ending, here’s Sabrina Carpenter bringing out Duran Duran to play Hungry Like the Wolf. Something about Duran Duran just makes us feel all the summer vibes.
Note 20: And on that bitchin’ note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a relatively happy holiday weekend. Thank you to everyone who shared their plans with us, and special thanks to everyone who made their displeasure with this fucked up country known. Love y’all!
Pity Party
Elon Leon made good on his threat to start his own political party over the weekend, and we can’t start laughing. Aside from a few attention-seeking assholes who are clearly unserious about politics, Elon Leon’s new party seems like a dud. Trump came out big mad about it though, attacking Elon Leon for being a “trainwreck.” It’s the first thing Trump has ever been right about. Personally, we have no interest in joining a party led by the nazi salute guy who wrecked the National Weather Service and the Veterans Administration, but there are some rich people who seemed really excited. Maybe they don’t actually stand for anything. More: CNBC
FEMA who?
While we all sort through the conflicting reports about whether cuts to various weather forecasting services are to blame for the 82 (and counting) deaths in Texas, Trump and his team are desperately trying to make sure they don’t get blamed. But we all know that Trump decimated all the warning systems, so this seems like a slam dunk to us. Noem was on television this morning lying her nazi ass off, and Trump just straight up said yesterday he didn’t want to talk about shutting down FEMA. This should be a big scandal, but Biden didn’t do it so we’re sure the press will quickly move on. More: NPR
Trump’s best friend Jeffrey Epstein
The MAGA world has been losing its shit ever since Axios scooped last night that Pam Bondi and Trump have discovered there is no Epstein list and he totally just killed himself. The mouth-breathing kiss-ass cult isn’t buying it and neither are we. It was just back in February when Bondi went on Fox News and said she had the Epstein list sitting on her desk. Now she says that list doesn’t exist. It’s at times like this we remember that Epstein was Trump’s best friend and that he was murdered in prison while Trump was in charge. So yeah, this is a cover-up. More: Axios, The Hill, Mediaite
Today’s clips
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu touched down in Washington early Monday ahead of a White House meeting with President Donald Trump about a ceasefire deal that could pause fighting in Gaza. More: NBC News
This summer’s big sales events could offer some of the best bargains before the ongoing trade war threatens to scramble fall and winter shopping. More: NBC News
In interviews on Sunday, Trump administration officials did everything they could to downplay the Medicaid cuts in the president's massive tax bill, given the electoral backlash Republicans could face. More: HuffPost
Elon Musk mocked the Department of Justice’s new memo that concluded convicted pedophile Jeffrey Epstein was not murdered and that there was “no credible evidence” that he maintained a “client list” to blackmail “prominent individuals.” More: Mediaite
The latest from Adam and Sam
The latest from Adam
You watch the news so I don't have to so let me ask you this: in all of the pearl-clutching over the poor little ICE agents who must wear masks or their families will be mass murdered, has anyone suggested that wearing a goddamn UNIFORM and carrying some kind of official ID would go a long way toward calming shit down? I don't want to be grabbed off the street by some dude in a mask, but if he's also in a made up uniform that is obviously not associated with any LEA or military just normalizes extra-judicial kidnapping.
My 2 cents takeaway from today's Substack - I know you all know about the propaganda emails we senior citizens received from the 'Social Security Administration'. Welp, after your image of the (I guess) Twitter post, and the Grok AI explanation, I have no doubt it was the DOGE minions that created it and sent it out. We are being propagandized to its fullest extent.
My other comment is - sorry my for cynicism - but after watching all MAGA's/GOP vote against the American people, what assurances have they been given? Possible interference in the next big vote that they won't lose their seats? I'm usually not this way but how can we not consider this? Have a good day everyone.