This is the scary stuff

It’s Thursday. There are 572 days until the midterm elections. Trump starts going after individual Americans, the end of the White House press corps and the stupid tariff crap ain’t over.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But only because some dumbass is playing games with the global economy.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, this is a new one. By shitting himself and surrendering on tariffs but still leaving in place some of the dumber tariffs, Trump managed to cave like a chump and still fuck things up. He’s the Michael Jordan of being dumber than dogshit. And yet, the pathetic soulless kiss-asses who orbit his orange ass keep saying laughable crap like this…

Huh? What the fuck is Nutlick talking about? And who is dumb enough to buy this shit? If there’s one thing we’ve had a hard time really wrapping our heads around during the Trump years, it’s the gutless butt-kissing guys like Lindsey Graham and Lutnick and the rest. So we thought we’d give it a try. Here’s our best effort at being a Trump kiss-ass…

Duh, isn’t this guy a genius? Do you know how hard it is to fuck up the economy in three goddamn months and then kinda fix it but not really?! And you thought you’d never see another Mission Accomplished banner. We’re watching a real talent here. He’s hot too. Like who doesn’t love that shade of whatever the fuck that is? Swoon. But mostly he’s just really really smart. Have you heard him talk about windmills? Brilliant, right? And this whole tariff thing has just been… oh dear god fuck it we can’t do this. If you’ll excuse us we’re gonna go hit ourselves in the nuts and the face with a great big hammer. Tell the Russians we don’t care if they publish those photos of us having a romantic candlelit dinner with a goat.

Oof. Sorry. We just couldn’t go through with it. We have too much self-respect. Don’t ask about the goat. The pictures will be everywhere soon enough. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: It looks like the House is gonna vote to destroy American elections today. Democrat Jared Golden (who is a shitty Democrat) is likely to vote for the SAVE Act that would make it harder for millions to vote. More: Mother Jones

Note three: Tulsi Gabbard committed voter fraud. So when is she getting locked up? More: CNN

Note four: We have no idea what the fuck Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer was thinking yesterday, but standing there in the Oval Office as a prop while Trump attacked Biden and Obama and then signed orders going after his enemies is a career-ender. We were fans. We’re not anymore. More: NBC News

Note five: Speaking of disappointing Democrats, why the hell are they still doing this shit?!

Note six: Trump is still having troubles making the telephone work good. He accidentally called the wrong McMaster. Maybe just get him some dixie cups with a string so he can’t fuck this stuff up. More: CBS News

Note seven: The House voted to allow overdraft fees again. Someone should ask them why. More: Associated Press

Note eight: Adam Schiff, Elizabeth Warren and others are calling for an investigation into how much insider trading was done around Trump’s tariff announcement yesterday. We like the idea, but we’re not sure Pam Bondi is gonna get on that. More: The Guardian

Note nine: You know how Trump has been claiming that 75 countries called him and wanted to negotiate? Well the White House won’t tell us which 75 countries they are. So yeah that’s a thing that totally really happened and wasn’t at all made up by a lying sack of shit. (Social media)

Note 10: It’s so unsettling when he asks the same questions we do…

Note 11: Prada is buying Versace. We don’t have enough money to know what that means. More: CNN

Note 12: The right-wing scum blamed a trans woman pilot for the crash over the Potomac. They were wrong, and she’s suing. Git their asses. More: NBC News

Note 13: Liddle Marco’s bodyguard was arrested in Brussels. Thank goodness we’re respected around the world again. More: The Independent

Note 14: Trump is finishing off his war against Columbia. Again, this was never about antisemitism. More: Inside Highered

Note 15: Ok we needed this laugh. But it was followed by a deep and sad sigh…

Note 16: The Justice Department is breaking up with the American Bar Association because the association still cares about the law. This really says it all, don’t it? More: Reuters

Note 17: Books about the Holocaust and Maya Angelou’s memoir were pulled from the Naval Academy Library. Gosh. It sure is hard to tell if these bigots are bigots. More: Associated Press

Note 18: Democrats are going to be doing more town halls in Republican districts. This is the way. More: Huff Post

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we couldn’t find jack shit. So here’s a story about Betty White enjoying vodka and chocolate cake for breakfast. More: Huff Post

Note 20: And on that delightful note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are hanging in there among all the gross stupidity. We know things are bad, but at least we still have our self-respect. And a whole lot of folks can’t say the same. Love y’all!

This is the scary stuff
Embarrassed and defeated yesterday, Trump needed to do something to make himself feel like a man. So he instructed the Justice Department to go after Americans he doesn’t like. Trump accused Miles Taylor, the former DHS aide who was “anonymous” during the first Trump administration, of “treason.” He said he wants Chris Krebs investigated for saying the 2020 election was secure. And he’s going after the law firm that represents Dominion. We’ve said for a while that Trump will use the federal government to go after all of his critics. We really hate being right about this. More: Associated Press

RIP
After years on life support, the White House press is officially dead. Despite a win by the Associated Press this week, Trump and his goons have been busted censoring and withholding the White House press pool reports. The pool reports are compiled by individual reporters and they can serve as a historical record of the president’s movements. The idea that the White House is gatekeeping this information is heartbreaking. But it also makes clear we have no functional press corps covering the president of the United States. More: Mediaite

So fucking stupid
By now you know that Trump caved on his tariffs. Multiple reports make clear that Trump freaked out when the bond market started shaking and he realized that he was single-handedly causing a depression. He was ok with causing a recession. Smart, right? Trump even spent the day bragging about the stock market rebound. Unfortunately, reality came barging in this morning as the markets remembered that Trump still has a 10 percent tariff on everyone, 25 percent on our trading partners in Mexico and Canada and an eleventy billion percent tariff on China, or whatever it is. Yeah, like we said up top, Trump surrendered and still managed to fuck things up. More: CNBC, CNBC II

Today’s clips
Speaker Mike Johnson, R-La., said House Republicans would try again Thursday to adopt the budget plan needed to jump-start work on President Donald Trump’s legislative agenda, one day after conservatives threatened to sink it. More: NBC News

More than 150 Chinese citizens are fighting in Ukraine alongside the Russian army, which is massing on the border of Ukraine ahead of a huge spring offensive, according to Ukrainian President Volodomyr Zelenskyy. More: NBC News

The number of dead in a roof collapse at an iconic nightclub in the Dominican Republic surged to 218 on Thursday, an official said. More: Huff Post

Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) ribbed CNN and moderator Anderson Cooper during the network’s live CNN town hall Wednesday night, unloading on “corporate media” for a failure to cover basic economic realities. More: Mediaite

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