‘Things can happen’

It’s Monday. There are 323 days until the midterm elections. Evil in Australia, tragedy in Tinseltown and the president is a soulless psycho.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And you’re goddamn right it ordered the Code Red.

Note: Phew, Sexy Patriots. That was NOT a relaxing weekend. It was dark and violent and deeply upsetting. We have much awful shit to discuss today. But before we do, we want to remind everyone of a truly horrifying fact about the president of the United States — he wants to fuck his own daughter…

Yiiiiiikes. Looks like we finally found the thing that will make us inject bleach. Into our eyes and ears. This shit is so creepy! Even if you took away the racism, the rape stuff, the incompetence, the incontinence and the unsettling orange hue, you’d still have a total creepshow who has talked repeatedly about doing his daughter. How the fuck did not that disqualify him, America? Well we wanted to see what Republicans thought of this, so we did a quick survey…

Matt Gaetz: I don’t care that they’re related. But she is way too old for him.

Rudy Giuliani: As someone who used to do his own cousin, I can say with authority that incest is best. Just look at my idiot kid, Andrew. You think his mom and I weren’t sharing a set of grandparents?

Nancy Mace: Buzzing aluminum bats are eating my hair! The mole people are coming for us!

Markwayne Mullen: Awww yeah. That’s how you get a name like Markwayne, baby.

JD Vance: I mean I’m not related to the furniture I fuck. So that makes it ok, right?

Gym Jordan: I didn’t see a thing.

Freaks! The lot of them! As we suspected, the Trump cult is and always has been fine with the super upsetting obsession President Inbreeeder J. Asshead has with his own daughter. It’s bad enough they’re fucking everything up. But do they have to keep us constantly nauseated? Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: This was a hard weekend. A lot of really bad shit happened, and we’re gonna do our best to talk about it while also trying to make y’all chuckle. But be warned that there’s some hard stuff ahead. If you want to take today off, we totally get it. And if you’re really having a hard time, remember that the crisis hotline is 988.

Note three: There was a shooting at Brown University this weekend. At least two are dead. Our dumbfuck president responded by saying “things can happen.” America, right? More: USA Today

Note four: ICE went after Ihlan Omar’s son. For some reason, it’s not being treated like a major scandal by the mainstream media. More: HuffPost

Note five: This is new CBS pushing the lie that the abortion pill is unsafe. So fuck CBS, fuck Bari Weiss and fuck Margaret Brennan.

Note six: We’re not the only ones telling CBS to go eat shit. After Bari Weiss flooded the zone with her ass-kiss-a-thon of Ericka Kirk, it seems that advertisers didn’t want anything to do with it either. More: Variety

Note seven: If you need a break from the nightmare, Dead Man, Wake Up on Netflix is a blast. It’s the latest in the Knives Out series, and it was just the mystery movie we needed this weekend.

Note eight: The Chicago Sun-Times did a deep dive on Greg “the Gasser” Bovino. Turns out his dad was a drunk-driver who murdered a woman and got off. No wonder this little shit is such a psycho. More: Chicago Sun-Times

Note nine: This is a hard read. “Trump officials celebrated with cake after slashing aid. Then people died of cholera.” America’s Christians are going to kill a lot of people. More: ProPublica

Note 10: Hey, don’t worry, everybody! This spoiled rotten piece of shit pro golfer says the economy is doing great!

Note 11: Ugh. We hate to link to CBS, but this is a good story from a good reporter about a good cop. More: CBS News

Note 12: The Kansas City Chiefs were eliminated from the playoffs, and QB Patrick Mahomes tore his ACl. What’s that Rick Wilson says about everything Trump touches? More: People

Note 13: So manly lol. Someone get this bitch some chaps and let’s complete this look.

Note 14: The dictionary says that “slop” was the word of the year. That sounds about right. More: NBC News

Note 15: Here’s some more terrible polling for Trump. He’s even losing some MAGA. And those people were fine with an attack on the Capitol and an orange president who farts all the time. More: NBC News

Note 16: RIP to the American soldiers who were killed in Syria. It’s pretty fucked up that Trump’s impulse was to defend the former terrorist who is now president of Syria. Btw, but didn’t Trump defeat ISIS? More: Associated Press

Note 17: The administration still wants to go after Kilmar Abrego Garcia. We want to send some real love to Chris Van Hollen for the way he has fought for this man. Even when the pundits were telling him it was a political loser. Thank you, CVH!

Note 18: A Reuters poll tells us that a majority of Americans think Trump knew about Epstein’s crimes. Well yeah, accomplices usually do. More: CNN

Note 19: Today’s Happy Ending isn’t happy. But as we wish our Jewish friends a Happy Hanukkah amid tragedy, we saw this and wanted to share it because this is far more eloquent than anything our dumb asses can come up with.

Note 20: And on that powerful note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a good weekend, but we understand if that was impossible. Try to hang in there and just be grateful you’re not Ivanka. Love y’all!

Evil Down Under
It was a tragic start to Hanukkah in Australia as a father and son team of terrorists attacked Bondi Beach, killing at least 15 people. A 10-year-old was murdered. A Holocaust survivor was murdered. It’s awful. It’s just so fucking awful. This was Australia’s first mass shooting in 30 years, which is an inconvenient fact for all the fucking assholes who are blaming this on the country’s strict gun laws. We’re sending love Down Under and to our Jewish brothers and sisters. More: CNN

Hollywood horror
Y’all, we are a fucking wreck about this. Rob Reiner and his wife, Michele, are dead. Details are still being confirmed, but it looks like they were murdered by a relative. It’s so horrible. Rob was a genius. Sam had just watched the original Spinal Tap this weekend. But even if you took away The Princess Bride or A Few Good Men, then you would still have a man who led the fight for marriage equality. You would still have a man who has fought like hell for democracy. And you would still have a damn good man. RIP Rob. Thanks for everything, man. More: Variety

Sick-Sonofabitch-in-Chief
A tragic weekend in America wouldn’t be complete without our shithead president making things worse. Sigh. We already told you about the “things can happen” remarks. But it got worse this morning when this fucking asshole decided to weigh in on Reiner’s death by saying he was killed because of “the anger he caused other’s through his massive, unyielding, and incurable affliction with a mind crippling disease known as TRUMP DERANGEMENT SYNDROME.” Congratulations to all the Trump voters out there. This is why we think you’re scum. More: NO GODDAMN LINK

Today’s clips
Police renewed their search Monday for the gunman who killed two Brown University students and wounded nine others, a day after they released a person of interest after determining the evidence pointed “in a different direction.” More: Associated Press

During her first interview since being released from weeks in ICE custody, the mother of Karoline Leavitt’s nephew has a message for the White House press secretary. More: HuffPost

A U.S. Air Force refueling tanker failed to communicate its position when passing in front of a commercial flight on Friday, narrowly avoiding a collision. More: Mediaite

Top Democrats have lined up to mourn Rob Reiner, the legendary Hollywood director and progressive activist whose death has stunned Hollywood and the political establishment. More: Mediaite

Erika Kirk on Sunday announced she is meeting with Candace Owens, just days after pleading with Owens to stop spreading conspiracy theories about the murder of her husband, Charlie Kirk. More: Mediaite