There goes the economy

It’s Monday. There are 575 days until the midterm elections. A Tarheel heist, Trump tries to erase Harriet Tubman and there goes the economy.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. A lot of people are these days.

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! It’s great to be with you today as the flames of dumbfuckery continue to engulf our self-destructing nation. This is our second attempt at today’s intro. The first was just a humorless raging rant about Trump’s super corrupt weekend of golfing and lining his pockets while destroying trillions of wealth and giving America double middle fingers…

Grrrrrr. Yeah, you can see why we went off and used the phrase “rotten, shitstinking hog taint.” But then we thought, hey, we’re not gonna let this fucking asshole put us in this kind of shape to start our week. So we hit delete, took some deep breaths, threw the television out the window, huffed some model airplane glue and did this instead…

Oh dear. Yeah, we heard he does that a lot. He should’ve yelled fore – for he definitely needs a new pair of pants. It’s bad enough he’s out playing golf after tanking the economy, but why is he posting video of himself crapping his pants? We might never know. Looking good, President Shitpants! Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Your signs were fucking beautiful (and hilarious) this weekend. Millions of people in the streets saying fuck fascism. How sexy is that More: Associated Press

Note three: Wanna hear something shocking? RFK Jr. said that the most effective way to prevent measles is a vaccine. And it only took a second dead kid to get him there and we’re still waiting for him to fuck this up. (Nevermind, he’s still being a total idiot about this stuff.) More: Axios

Note four: Even Trump’s billionaire buttkissers are freaking out over his destruction of the economy. In fact, we’re actually enjoying this part. How much did you lose today, Billy? More: Axios

Note five: It’s wild watching Fox and CNBC use their air-time to beg Trump to call off the tariffs. Even his top cheerleader is calling them a debacle…

Note six: A judge ordered the Trump administration to return the guy they mistakenly sent to an El Salvadoran gulag. Instead the administration and the president of El Salvador made jokes. More: Associated Press

Note seven: We know it sucks that Trump is literally destroying the economy, but don’t worry because Republicans are moving full-steam ahead with their idiotic tax cuts. That should fix everything. More: ABC News

Note eight: We won in court today as the D.C. Circuit said that Trump illegally fired the Democrats on the National Labor Relations Board. Yay. More: Reuters

Note nine: Congratulations to Paige Bueckers and the UConn Huskies on restoring that legendary program to its place atop the mountain. More: ESPN

Note 10: You know how we’ve been told that we need a concentration camp in El Salvador for the “terrorists” who invaded our country? Well 60 Minutes is calling bullshit…

Note 11: The Dodgers are going to the White House today. Even though Trump has been trying to erase Jackie Robinson’s memory. Shame on them. More: The Nation

Note 12: How stupid are Trump’s tariffs? Even Elon Leon hates them. More: The Independent

Note 13: We’re not in the habit of quoting the New York Post, but we thought we’d share this list of politicians who wanted Cuomo out for being a creep and have now decided he should be mayor again. Don’t do it, New York! More: NY Post

Note 14: Alex Ovechkin broke Wayne Gretzky’s goal-scoring record in the National Hockey League. We’re not sure if anyone is having a better year than Putin, and we’re not sure if anyone is having a more embarrassing year than Gretzky. More: NBC News

Note 15: For many years, we have been convinced that Doug Burgum is an AI creation and not a real person. We were wrong. It turns out he’s the Secretary of the Interior and he’s forcing his staff to bake him cookies…

Note 16: Trump henchman Tom Homan has been getting some visitors at his house. That’s a shame. More: NBC News

Note 17: RIP to Jay North, the guy that played Dennis the Menace, an early inspiration to Sam. More: Hollywood Reporter

Note 18: We weren’t the first ones to notice this, but Jiffypop Dungbeetle (JD) Vance has basically stopped tweeting. And we know he ain’t playing with his kids. Have you checked on your couch?

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we tried to find something high-minded to make up for that super immature and satisfying opening note. So here’s a poignant message from a bookseller…

Note 20: And on that obvious but important note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a good weekend and didn’t spend it playing golf with the Saudis while the American economy went down the shitter. But of course you didn’t. Because only a real asshole would. Love y’all!

Democracy dies in North Carolina
There is a coup underway in the Tarheel State. Last week a court made up a bunch of bullshit in order to throw out thousands of votes in last year’s state Supreme Court race that Democrat Allison Riggs rightfully won. While she has said she will appeal, the state Supreme Court has a Republican majority that has no problem fucking over the voters and ending democracy in the state. This is a five-alarm fire. There is a window to fix the ballots, but we can all see what’s happening here. More: Associated Press

Yes, the birther guy is a racist
Remember in 2016 when Trump was running for president and big fancy reporters just couldn’t be sure if the birther guy was a racist. Well, he is. Big time. Yeah, Trump, who has argued for years that confederate statues should be kept in place, is overseeing an administration that is downplaying Harriet Tubman’s role in the Underground Railroad. We wish we were kidding. This comes after the Pentagon was caught removing Jackie Robinson’s stories and the Naval Academy was busted removing pictures of Jewish women. Yeah, Trump’s American history is whites only. And it makes us want to fucking puke. More: CNN

Congrats to the a-holes
You’ll never believe this but the idiot asshole’s idiotic assholish plan to save the country by destroying the global economy ain’t working so great. While Trump finally got his orange ass off the golf course Sunday night, he made clear that he is not backing off his tariffs, sending the foreign markets into a tailspin. When the market opened this morning, the Dow dropped more than 1,200 points in less than five minutes. Trump was busy tweeting about not being weak and stupid and telling us that he made up a new word (“Panican”) about people who are panicking about losing everything. He also tweeted about how excited he is to meet the Dodgers today. So yeah, it’s looking like a rough day (few years) for the economy. We could’ve had Kamala and common sense. America really fucked up. More: CNN

Today’s clips
Rivers rose and flooding worsened Sunday across the sodden U.S. South and Midwest, threatening communities already badly damaged by days of heavy rain and wind that killed at least 18 people. More: Associated Press

Stanford University is the latest California school to report that the visas of several students and alumni have been revoked as part of a sweeping crackdown by the Trump administration. More: NBC News

The Israeli military backtracked on its account of the killing of 15 Palestinian medics by its forces last month after phone video appeared to contradict its claims that their vehicles did not have emergency signals on when troops opened fire on them in the Gaza Strip. More: Huff Post

Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent on Sunday dismissed concerns Americans might be having about a potential impending recession and the status of their retirement plans, saying President Donald Trump and his administration are "building the long-term economic fundamentals for prosperity." More: NBC News

Duke University basketball star Khaman Maluach could be deported after Secretary of State Marco Rubio cancelled the visas of all South Sudanese passport holders residing in the U.S., The New York Times reported Sunday. More: HuffPost