The Worst Person in the World

Happy Friday. There are 130 days until the midterm elections. SCOTUS embraces its evil, a big win for working people in New York City and our party has a self-loathing problem.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It used A LOT of it at the end of that game last night.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! You know that meme that goes around about how the worst person in the world just made a good point? Well what if that worst person in the world was actually the worst person in the universe? What if he was a white supremacist who masturbated to a dirty copy of Mein Kampf? What if he was such a piece of shit that even his own mother didn’t love him? What if he sucked so hard that he was too fucking toxic for Fox News? We’re talking of course about Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson. Nice name, dipshit.

Tucker has really been on one lately, telling his 17 listeners that he’s done with Trump and Israel. We tend to think he’s lying about everything, and that’s only when we come across something he’s said. And even then, we don’t give two shits. So why are we talking about his gross bitch ass? Well, because the worst person in the world just made a good point…

Ouch. For the first time in his miserable, spoiled rotten life, Tucker Carlson is right about something. God it sucks writing those words out, but we do love it when the jackals turn on each other. Even when they’re such heinous people that we wouldn’t piss on them if they were on fire. And we can only hope that the bowtie boy will follow his own advice.

Y’all have a blessed day. Except Tucker. Because that dude still really, really sucks and he can kiss our asses.

Note two: Well we finally had a therapy session yesterday, and it was a lot of fun. If you missed it, you can catch up here…

Note three: Did y’all see the end of that fucking US men’s team game last night? What the hell? We don’t know how Trump caused it, but we’re sure he did. Asshole. More: ESPN

Note four: Speaking of the World Cup, the Canadian team is having to beg their supporters to come to the U.S. to cheer for them. Because we are kinda gross right now and people don’t want to come here. And this is apparently how we get respected around the world again. More: Reuters

Note five: We don’t spend enough time hating Sean Duffy. In a cabinet full of assholes, he might lowkey be the most assholeish. He’s literally standing on stage with his daughter who has Down’s when he says this. What a piece of shit.

Note six: Fox News had to apologize this morning because Kevin O’Leary is a lying scumbag who is gonna get sued to hell and back. We’d be fine if he just went back to Canada. But that seems like a shitty thing to do to Canada. More: The Salt Lake Tribune

Note seven: Ukraine is REALLY fucking up Russia, and we are loving every second of it. More: NBC News

Note eight: We keep hearing how antisemitic Democrats are, but then we see a Republican candidate saying one of our Jewish candidates would have been a guard at a nazi concentration camp. So yeah, we’re taking a lot of this criticism with a grain of salt. More: NBC News

Note nine: The earthquake story out of Venezuela is just awful. Especially when our dumbfuck president was still bragging about stealing their oil yesterday. More: NBC News

Note 10: You might think this is the worst and dumbest thing ol’ couchfuck said yesterday. But he also praised Diddy.

Note 11: Looks like the Knicks haven’t decided if they’re going to the White House or not. Despite what their slimy Trumpy owner says. More: HuffPost

Note 12: We never knew we could hate Frasier Crane this much. But fuck him. We’re Team Lilith. More: HuffPost

Note 13: While we’re on the celebrity beat, Nate Bargatze is apparently just gonna pretend like we don’t all hate him for going to Trump’s gross cage match. So fuck him too. More: HuffPost

Note 14: Megyn Kelly is a hateful monster. We would invite her to eat shit, but she looks like she does that for fun already.

Note 15: The MAHA idiots are shocked that their new political party wants their kids to get cancer. Guess they should go inject some livestock medication to get over it. More: NBC News

Note 16: Remember the FEMA official who transported to a Waffle House? Well, he’s out at FEMA. And no, we don’t know how he left the building. More: MS Now

Note 17: Hmmmm. Things are looking interesting in Ohio…

Note 18: How are things going in the Strait of Hormuz? Exactly as you’d expect. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to Florida. No, really. The concentration camp that the thugs called “Alligator Alcatraz” is closing. There are a lot of people to thank for this, but we’d like to single out the hard work of the Miccosuckee Tribe. More: HuffPost, ELPAIS

Note 20: And on that victorious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have the most amazing weekend. And please don’t hate us for showing a video of Tucker Carlson. We already hate ourselves for it. Love y’all!

A Dark Day

Our corrupt, broken and racist Supreme Court was really on one yesterday. They voted for guns over people, violence at the border for asylum seekers and to let Stephen Miller run loose in Springfield, Ohio based on Trump’s lies and racism. In other words, it was Sam Alito Day at SCOTUS. The miserable piece of shit had the guts to write that Trump hadn’t said anything racist about Haitians, leading Justice Kagan to list all the racist shit Trump has said about Haitians. But the bottom line is 400,000 people lost their right to be here based on lies and racism, and now Stephen Miller is going to go apeshit in the heartland. Yesterday was a damn dark day for America, and a reminder that Hillary wasn’t bullshitting in 2016 when she said the future of the court was on the line.

More: New Republic

Victory in Gotham

One of Zohran Mamdani’s big campaign promises was to do something about the exorbitant rents in New York City. Now, after being in office for like six months, he has kept that promise. The board that oversees this shit agreed yesterday to Mamdani’s request to freeze rents for one and two-year lease apartments. That means about 1 million apartments in NYC just got their rent frozen. This is a massive victory for working people. It’s also a good reminder that when Republicans are screaming about socialism and antisemitism, what they really mean is someone is actually helping out the non-rich. Well done, Zo!

More: ABC7 NY, Gothamist

Fear and Self-Loathing

Y’all, we need to talk. After the primary elections in New York Tuesday, Republicans came out firing, calling us socialists and radicals and communists. Ya know, all the things they called Joe Biden too. But then members of our party started doing the same shit, calling up reporters at Axios to shit all over our candidates. This has got to stop. Too many of our people want to do the GOP’s work for them. Of course we have a branding problem when we hate ourselves. How about let the voters decide who and what the party is and then the politicians can shut the fuck up or try to earn those votes. Enough is enough. The president of the United States is a rapist war criminal dipshit who fucks up everything he touches. If you’re calling Politico or Axios to attack Democrats, then change fucking parties.

NO GODDAMN LINK

Today’s clips

GREENBELT, Md. (AP) — Former Trump administration national security adviser John Bolton pleaded guilty on Friday to illegally retaining classified information, sealing a deal with federal prosecutors that could allow him to avoid a prison term. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — The Democratic National Committee is organizing hundreds of community events across the country this weekend in hopes of harnessing the same concerns about affordability that President Donald Trump capitalized on to return to the White House. More: AP

MOSCOW — Russian-installed authorities in Crimea announced ‌a state of emergency on the peninsula on Friday to deal with economic issues, after suspending tourism ​and children’s summer camps and halting ​all fuel sales in response to Ukrainian ⁠attacks. More: NBC News

Not too long after James Gunn and Peter Safran stepped up to lead DC Studios into the future, they were riffing about Supergirl. The Tom King comic series, “Supergirl: World of Tomorrow” was one of the ideas they were especially excited about, and Gunn had a very specific image in his head.

He just didn’t yet know her name. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — Billionaire investor Leon Black said Friday that Jeffrey Epstein deceived him during a yearslong relationship in which he paid the disgraced financier $158 million, but insisted he committed no criminal wrongdoing as he appeared before the House Oversight Committee. More: AP

NEW YORK (AP) — The 2000 Year Old Man is turning 100. Mel Brooks on Sunday will celebrate his centennial birthday. More: AP