The Roaring 20s

It’s Tuesday. There are 42 days until the midterm elections. CNN falls to MAGA, Dubya rides for Trump and Republicans run from Iran.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it thinks Susan Collins should rot in prison and then hell.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! And how are we today? Filled with a burning rage that is sending literal fucking steam out of your ears? Yeah, us too. We don’t say this enough, but we hate Donald Trump. Like we really, really, really hate him. We’re always reminded of Daniel Stern’s line from the movie City Slickers — “If hate were people, I’d be China.” But the good news is that hating on Trump is a popular place to be these days…

LOLOLOL!!! Oh shit! That’s the first poll to show dipshit fall below 30. We sure hope Natalie showed it to him while she was changing him this morning. And she ain’t the only one doing the changing. America is 42 days away from taking out the trash and putting dumbfuck in check. How do we know? Well here’s a list of things that are polling better than Trump right now…

1. Crabs — and not the kind you eat
2. Food poisoning
3. Massive head wounds
4. Ted Cruz
5. Sex with cheese graters
6. Drain-o enemas delivered by parking cone

Now that’s not an exhaustive list by any means, but you get the idea. The bottom line is non-rich-asshole America hates this fucker, and he’s about to feel just how much thanks to you Sexy Patriots. Frankly, we can’t wait. Oh and don’t try that parking cone thing. Trust us. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We went and had some therapy yesterday, and Sam clearly needed it. If you missed it, you can get caught up here…

Note three: Susan Collins is even more evil than you knew. It turns out the FBI was going after her for corruption until Trump stepped in. Maine, it’s time y’all finally did the right fucking thing and flushed this piece of shit. More: ProPublica

Note four: The crypto scumbags are dropping $30 million on Sherrod Brown’s head. That’s how you know he’s a good dude who belongs in the Senate. More: Coin Desk

Note five: Trump is still at war with the press. And he’s losing. Because losing wars is just what he does…

Note six: Rep. Jared Golden has repeatedly fucked over his fellow Democrats and faced exactly zero punishment for doing so. Now he’s endorsed Republican Mike Lawler. What a fucking asshole. More: The Hill

Note seven: Trump is addressing the U.N. today. So get ready to be super embarrassed. More: AP

Note eight: The courts are still fucking with Missouri’s maps. It ain’t like we’ve got an election in a month-and-a-half. Idiots. More: AP

Note nine: No one will be punished for the death of Nolan Wells. Seems pretty fucked up to us. More: NBC News

Note 10: Looks like it was the couch’s turn to do the fucking…

Note 11: The White House launched Trump TV yesterday and it was as cool and important as it sounds. These morons can’t even do state-run media correctly. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Reacher wanted to go after white supremacists, but the white supremacists who run his studio wouldn’t let him. Reacher is awesome. More: HuffPost

Note 13: Thank you to James Talarico for standing up for this man…

Note 14: While the rest of us search for deals on beef, Trump is going to have a fancy dinner for China. He’s going to show off his ballroom and give away Taiwan. He’ll also probably flatulate a lot. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Kamala is in Michigan with Abdul today! We love this, and we’re so happy to see people coming together to win elections. Let’s go!!! More: AP

Note 16: We don’t want to get in the habit of talking about Democrats like this, but Gavin Newsom is a fucking asshole. More: EBAR

Note 17: Trump got all horny over Mamdani again yesterday. It would be nice if Zo used these moments to shit-talk Trump some, but we understand that’s hard to do when he’s getting his ass kissed by the president. Suck it, Laura Loomer!

Note 18: Gov. JB Pritzker is opening up about how medication helped him lose 80 pounds. Congrats, guv! Looking good! More: Chicago Sun-Times

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we hope y’all find this as funny as we do. Our friend and Bluesky user @ilibee grabbed this yesterday from our therapy session and it really perfectly encapsulates the dynamic here at TheAltMedia. It’s Goofus and Gallant if Goofus smoked meth. (Note: Sam does not smoke meth; he just looks that way.)

Note 20: BONUS HAPPY ENDING — We’re posting this one without comment…

Down Goes CNN

CNN has been hot garbage for a while, but it’s about to get way worse. Thanks to Gavin Newsom, California AG Rob Bonta and other assorted chickenshits, MAGA billionaire David Ellison is now in charge of both Paramount and Warner Bros and we know he has made promises to Trump about cleaning house at CNN to make it more MAGA-friendly. Even the folks at CNN know what is coming because we’ve all watched what the Ellisons have done to CBS. This was apparently fine with Newsom, who was personally thanked by David Ellison after the settlement was announced yesterday. This is bad for Democrats and bad for democracy, and it was enabled by members of our own goddamn party. Let’s hope this is the end of their political careers. We don’t need more John fucking Fettermans.

More: Nieman Lab

The Original Shithead

Donald Trump has been great for George W. Bush’s image. Trump has been such a disaster that a lot of Americans have forgotten what a total fuck-up Dubya really was. Well now they have a reminder. It seems that the Iraq War dumbass is teaming up with defeated Sen. John Cornyn to raise money for Senate Republicans. The media are acting like it’s a big deal that they didn’t invite Ken Paxton, but that’s stupid. The reality is that Dubya, when he’s not being as shitty painter, is a shitty person who is fine with everything Trump does and is actively working to help him get more power. So fuck him and his paintings.

More: New York Times

They Ran from Iran

Ok so that’s not clever at all. Sorry. But after seven months of stupid, illegal war, Republicans are hitting the panic button. Yesterday, Republican Senate candidates Ashley Hinson (Iowa) and Mike Rogers (Michigan) called for an immediate end to the war. Hell, even Laura Ingraham was stammering and explaining to James Carville last night that she never supported the war. Sure, Laura. Of course the problem here is that you can’t un-kick a hornets’ nest, so Trump is stuck in a mess of his own making. We do love watching the rats flee the sinking ship though. Fuck ‘em.

More: The Hill, Yahoo News, Yahoo News

Today’s clips

MIAMI (AP) — Hurricane Polo grew into a Category 5 storm Tuesday in the eastern Pacific off southwestern Mexico and was forecast to bring heavy rain to southwestern Mexico but remain offshore. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — Republican Sen. John Curtis of Utah is calling on the Senate Judiciary Committee to investigate whether Donald Trump Jr. used his proximity to the presidency for financial benefit, after his recent wedding party was partially bankrolledby a Russian oligarch. More: AP

AUSTIN, Texas (AP) — A Venezuelan man shot by a U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement officer and taken to a detention center in Texas with a bullet still lodged in his back was back in the hospital by Monday night, the man’s attorney said. More: AP

More than a year after the Trump administration dismissed hundreds of scientists working on the National Climate Assessment, clouding the landmark publication’s future, many of those researchers and others released Tuesday the first installment of a special collection of climate change findings designed to fill the perceived gap left behind. More: NBC News

Secretary of State Marco Rubio defended the Trump administration’s decision to bar three media organizations from the White House, saying in an interview on NBC News’ “TODAY” that President Donald Trump was not closing outlets or arresting reporters. More: NBC News

ANCHORAGE, Alaska — After a summer spent packing away sockeye salmon, Alaska’s heftiest brown bears are ready to throw their weight around. More: NBC News

Though it belongs to the golden era of Black sitcoms that helped define ’90s television, “A Different World” has proven to be anything but a relic. If anything, the lore surrounding the beloved sitcom has only made it more cherished in the 30-plus years since it unceremoniously went off the air. More: HuffPost