The Placemat President

Happy Friday. There are 67 days until the midterm elections. Trump helps Talarico, Canada takes America’s smarties and this nation should be ashamed for what it’s doing to Haitians.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it is damn grateful college football is back.

Note: What a week, Sexy Patriots! We’ve been up, we’ve been down and we’ve been pissed off by a clown. Actually, that’s not fair. Clowns work for a living, wear less makeup and have never lost a war to Iran and Canada at the same time. And we’ve sure as shit never seen a clown waddle to the Oval Office and pretend they can rename a Great Lake. Frankly, we’ve never seen a clown who was that pathetic…

What a freaking dunce. It finally occurred to us yesterday why this all seems so familiar. Have you ever taken your kids to a restaurant and the server gives them a placemat and some crayons to keep them busy while the adults eat? Maybe for one of your dumber kids you just throw some loose change or your fucking car keys on the ground and let them go nuts. Well that is exactly what is happening in the Oval Office these days — an 80-year-old diapered dipshit with the brain of a spoiled psycho child needs a placemat, some crayons and some house keys or else he’s gonna nuke American Samoa out of boredom or just wander off into a lake. We are in the age of the Placemat President. And it sure as fuck doesn’t make us great again.

The only thing we can’t figure out is why so many people are still afraid of this moron. Sure, you can be aggravated when your kid shits themselves at Shoney’s or throws scrambled eggs at you or attacks Canada. But you’d never be afraid of them, right? Right. So let’s stay focused, win some elections and put this dumb sonofabitch in time-out. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: It’s therapy day!!! We don’t know about y’all, but we really need it. We’ll see you at 3 p.m. ET/noon PT.

Note three: We are now officially at six months of stupid war against Iran, and Trump has lost. In fact, he has made Iran stronger and more hardline than they had been. Great work, dumbass. More: New York Times

Note four: Hey so when is Mr. Fraud Fighter and Couch Fucker gonna go after Florida fraudsters like Sen. Ashley Moody? Just as soon as he gets off the couch, right? More: Politico

Note five: LOL. Even Fox is starting to (gently) push back against the limp duck…

Note six: We weren’t kidding about the placemat thing. Look at what shit-for-brains posted last night. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Even the Republican governor of Wyoming is calling out DOJ for its “very odd” monitoring of the primary elections. Are we going to see violence at the polls this November? Only if they try to stop us from voting. More: New York Times, NBC News

Note eight: Trump is claiming the Strait of Hormuz is open and he called his friends at Axios because he knew they would print the lie. Again. We’re just a little more skeptical than those big time reporters. NO GODDAMN LINK

Note nine: Trump is skipping the 9/11 ceremony in NYC for the 25th anniversary of the attack because he’s not being allowed to make a speech. And yet somehow Mamdani is the one the press keeps calling controversial. More: IHeart.com

Note 10: We know he’s a monster, but at least he looks like an anus with teeth…

Note 11: We actually got some good news from the FDA. New covid shots will soon be available. Brainworm racoon dick guy is trying to limit who can get them. You’re good if you’re over 65 or have an underlying condition or if you can lie about either of those things. More: USA Today

Note 12: The other piece of good news on the health front is a major breakthrough in the war against pancreatic cancer. This shit used to be a death sentence. Thanks to science, it’s not anymore. None for you, MAGA! More: NBC News

Note 13: Y’all know we have long been huge Jasmine Crockett fans. It’s hard to describe how disappointing this is. There are a lot of Democrats right now who seem to want to say told ya so instead of winning elections. That’s not ok.

Note 14: Remember how the National Guard shot a man in Memphis? Well it turns out they shot him in the back. This is one of many reasons we don’t give a fuck about Hasan Piker. More: AP

Note 15: Speaking of cheap thugs who are terrorizing their own country, ICE is actually going ahead with those electric shock gloves. We can’t wait until the first goon zaps his own little pecker off. More: AP

Note 16: We need all of you to do us a huge favor — check your voter registration. Especially if you live in a red or purple state. More: KXAN

Note 17: Don’t you wish our politicians had the guts that MapQuest does?

Note 18: Pete Hegseth is gonna lose another battle. This time it will be to the reporters and editors at Stars and Stripes he tried to censor. Hold that L, asshole. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to NFL pre-season football. No, really. Because even legendary broadcaster Al Michaels is making fun of President Fuckhead. Ouch.

Note 20: And on that pigskin note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have the best weekend. And we apologize to any placemat-coloring toddlers we might have offended. Love y’all!

Trump to Texas

James Talarico no longer needs a house or apartment. Because he’s living rent-free in Trump’s head. Trump went to Texas yesterday because Ken Paxton is a degenerate scumbag who even Texas Republicans hate, and Trump thinks he can save Paxton. But he didn’t stop there. No, Trump kept posting about Talarico into the night. It sure seems that James has Republicans scared shitless. Can we win in Texas? We have no fucking idea. But we know we need everyone working together to even have a chance. Let’s go!

More: Texas Tribune, The Daily Beast

Brain Drain

You know how Trump hates smart people and colleges and he’s trying to destroy both because he wants Americans to be stupid and easily controlled? Well Canada is going the other way. The New York Times reports today that 21 universities in Canada announced yesterday that they have hired “dozens of researchers to join their top academic ranks, poaching the majority of recruits from the United States.” And you can bet your ass they won’t be calling it Lake America or whatever. Congrats to Canada on getting smarter and investing in their future. We sure wish we were doing the same.

More: CBC, New York Times

Shame on U.S.

It started with a lie. JD Vance and Donald Trump told Americans that Haitians in Springfield, Ohio were eating people’s pets. Everyone laughed, and then Trump got elected. And then SCOTUS told him he could be as racist as he wants to be. And now that lie has become a real-life horror show for the poor Haitians of Ohio. ICE is there and rounding people up. They have taken pastors. There have been suicide attempts. People are afraid to come out of their homes. And now the White House is posting disgusting videos showing these human beings in chains being deported to a country that is not safe. If you want us to get upset about a blogger, you’re going to have to make us more outraged than we are by this. And that’s not gonna happen. There are some stains that don’t wash out.

More: bsky.app

Today’s clips

As rescue teams searched for missing people following catastrophic flooding along the Nepal-China border, Earth scientists reviewed satellite imagery for clues to the cause and assessed the devastation. More: AP

STAVANGER, Norway (AP) — King Harald V of Norway, who went into exile in the United States as a child during the Nazi occupation of his homeland and refused a string of potential brides from the European nobility so he could marry his longtime sweetheart, died Friday. He was 89. More: AP

JACKSON HOLE, Wyoming (AP) — Federal Reserve Chair Kevin Warsh said Friday that inflation is still too high and suggested the central bank may have to raise interest rates in the coming months to bring it down, a clearer signal than he had sent previously about his economic outlook. More: AP

It’s been six months since the United States and Israel attacked Iran with the perennial goal of transforming the Middle East through military force. The region has changed, but not in the way they had hoped. More: AP

A federal judge on Thursday halted — at least for now — attempts to implement President Donald Trump’s executive order limiting mail voting. More: AP

MIAMI — Tropical Storms Karina and Lowell formed Thursday in the Pacific Ocean, both of which were expected to become hurricanes in the next few days, the National Hurricane Center said. More: NBC News

A federal judge blocked the Defense Department’s blacklisting of Anthropic on Thursday, ​the latest turn in the Claude maker’s high-stakes fight with the military over AI safety ‌on the battlefield. More: NBC News

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) made it clear he still has his eye on the presidency after a failed bid in 2016. More: HuffPost