The Piece of S**t Institute

It’s Thursday. There are 334 days until the midterm elections. Little Johnson has a hard time, the drunk SecDef is a disaster and a big arrest with big questions.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But only because some murderous asshole named a Peace Institute after himself.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the hell are ya today? Making it through the week ok? Well that’s good. We must confess that we pulled a bit of an audible this morning. We had this whole thing where we interviewed the band-aids on the back of Trump’s gross hand and basically they’re in hell. But then we saw this super racist shit and we had to have a talk with ourselves…

Motherfucker. If David Duke fucked himself with a burning cross while the ghost of George Wallace shat in his mouth, it still wouldn’t be as racist as this fucking asshole. And it needs to be talked about. A lot. And that’s why we scrapped the band-aid thing. Well that and we didn’t want to make y’all throw up. But we talked about it and we were like yeah of course we just wrote about how much of a racist piece of shit Trump is and we’ve talked about it a lot and then we were like yeah but this is one of those things that you keep talking about because it ain’t fucking ok and it ain’t never fucking gonna be ok.

So that’s why we’re leading today’s newsletter with a reminder that Donald Trump is a racist, bigoted soulless buttcheek and we should never stop talking about it or make it seem normal or ok. So fuck his orange racist ass and his dead racist daddy. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: The piece of shit admiral who Trump and Passed Out Pete threw under the bus is going to tell Congress that he had to murder some drowning fishermen because they were a threat. Sure, and Dahmer had to eat. More: NBC News

Note three: Remember Jeffrey Epstein? He was the evil child rapist and trafficker who was bestest buddies with the president of the United States. Yesterday House Oversight Democrats released some really, really fucked up pictures from his island. So brace yourself. More: HuffPost

Note four: We’re not the first ones to ask this, but can you imagine being a Somali-American teenager and hearing the president call you and your family “garbage?” Are we great again or what? More: Associated Press

Note five: This is Gary and LeBob. They are the band-aids on Trump’s gross hand, and we were going to interview them today. Maybe the mainstream media can ask about them instead.

Note six: Folks, we’re a little concerned that all the animals seem to be getting wasted. We know they can sense earthquakes and bad weather, so what does it mean that they’re all getting shit-faced? More: NBC News

Note seven: Darell Issa loves California so much that he’s going to move to Texas and run for Congress there. Redrawing the maps really smoked out the traitors. Bye, Darrell. More: Associated Press

Note eight: Colorado Gov. Jared Polis is a classic example of weakness inviting aggression. Dude, just announce that she’s locked up and staying locked up. More: Mediaite

Note nine: Bari Weiss and CBS are going to do a townhall with Erika Kirk. It’s just a bummer that we have to watch paint dry that day. More: The Guardian

Note 10: We wish we were kidding about that asshole naming the Peace Institute after himself. Piece of Shit Institute would have been better.

Note 11: The NY Times is suing the Pentagon for restricting press access. We’d love to believe this is the start of the mainstream media standing up for themselves, but we know better at this point. More: Mediaite

Note 12: Damn. RIP to Steve Cropper. Time for Sam to do a Blues Brothers rewatch. One of the greatest movies ever made. More: HuffPost

Note 13: So if we watch MS Now, we get a Republican congressman who kisses Trump’s ass (Morning Joe), a long lineup of people who constantly attacked Biden and this fucking guy. No thanks.

Note 14: The color of the year is “cloud dancer.” We fucking knew it. More: NBC News

Note 15: Yesterday Trump pardoned a corrupt Democrat who other Democrats never should have backed. Trump wants people to believe both parties are the same. This helps him do that. More: The Hill

Note 16: What Trump and Noem did to this poor college student is just straight up fucking evil. Is this shit supposed to make us safer?! More: The Guardian

Note 17: This seems like a pretty big goddamn scandal to us. We’re sure we’re just being hysterical and need to calm down though.

Note 18: Jamie Raskin is going after CBS for favorably editing Trump’s interview. And this is why we fucking love Jamie Raskin. More: The Independent

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to Philly, where Abbott Elementary creator and star Quinta Brunson has started a fund to offer free field trips to students. If you’ve never seen that show, we highly recommend it. Also, thank you to Quinta for proving once again that America is better than it’s politicians. More: The Grio

Note 20: And on that beautiful note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week. Unless you’re Donald Trump. Because again, that motherfucker is really, really, really racist. Love y’all!

Poor Little Johnson
The Keebler Shithead is having a hard time. Speaker of the House Mike Little Johnson is getting wrecked by his own members for sucking and even Nancy Mace is talking with Marjorie Taylor Greene about resigning early. Now we don’t believe for a second that Mace will actually step down. What’s more likely is she wanted some of the attention Three Toes was getting. But it is really obvious from the volume of leaks that Republicans don’t like Little Johnson and he’s lost control of his caucus. He and Elise Stefanik have been at war all week! And that’s really good news for anyone who doesn’t want these freaks doing more damage. The truth is they’re all hating on Little Johnson because they know they’re going to lose next year and it’s easier to blame him then to admit you were complicit to fascism. More: Politico, NY Times, Axios

Who woulda thunk it?
The Pentagon’s Inspector General is coming out with a report that says Secretary Pete Hegseth endangered troops when he (drunkenly?) shared attack plans on Signal. The report says that he put our soldiers at risk. So of course Hegseth and his goons are claiming to have been totally exonerated, and they’ve got Laura Loony as the new Pentagon press corps to push that dumb shit. And the craziest part about this whole story is it doesn’t even involve all the Venezuelan fishermen Hegseth has murdered. More: Associated Press

Siren
So this is one of those stories that we really need to wait and see how it develops. The FBI has made an arrest in the Capitol Hill pipe bombs case. It’s not the person who Glen Beck accused, so she’s probably going to own The Blaze at some point. As we wait to find out more details, it’s hard not to wonder if Trump already pardoned this fucker. It’s also hard not to wonder if Marjorie Greene is feeling relieved today that she got away with it. Just kidding. This story has vexed us from the jump and we want some fucking answers. Unfortunately, we don’t believe a word coming from the FBI so we’ll just have to wait and see how it plays out. More: Associated Press

Today’s clips
An instructor at the University of Oklahoma has been placed on leave after a student complained that she received a failing grade on a paper that cited the Bible to assert that the “belief in multiple genders” was “demonic.” More: Associated Press

A federal judge on Tuesday blocked U.S. President Donald Trump’s administration from enforcing in 22 states a provision of the Republican’s signature tax and domestic policy bill that would deprive Planned Parenthood and local affiliates that perform abortions of Medicaid funding. More: HuffPost

Academy Award-winning actress Halle Berry took the stage at Wednesday’s New York Times DealBook summit, where she shocked the crowd by blasting California Governor Gavin Newsom (D). More: Mediaite

In the gerrymandering war between Democrats and Republicans heading into the 2026 midterms and the 2028 presidential election, there is a clear winner right now: The Dems. More: Mediaite