The $hithouse Rat

It’s Tuesday. There are 175 days until the midterm elections. Crazypants Cankles heads to China, the president of the US says the White House is a ‘shit house’ and racist SCOTUS does more racist crap.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it has never fallen asleep in the Oval Office.

Note: Sometimes you just have to laugh, Sexy Patriots. Especially when a dumb orange sonofabitch gets a taste of his own medicine. So what has our hot asses cackling this morning? This poll showing that a majority of Americans aren’t sure if the attempts on Trump’s life are real or not…

LOL. Now let us be clear — we are not laughing at the attempts themselves. We are a hard no on political violence even if the politician is the biggest piece of shit in the history of pieces of shit. But c’mon. The sociopath who lies about literally everything from rigged elections to made-up awards to club golf championships is probably bummed because now people don’t believe this shit either. Sorry but not sorry because that is fucking hilarious. What’s good for the goose is good for the asshole birther.

Sorry, pal. The very fabric of reality is a lot like Iran — you broke it; you bought it. And while it sucks that no one knows what’s real anymore and we are running at lightspeed toward a depressing and dystopian future, at least President Shithead is getting hit by some of his own bullshit. Believe what you want, Sexy Patriots. We’re not your moms. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Republicans are racist. We don’t really know how it can get anymore fucking obvious. More: Yahoo

Note three: Trump wants Congress to suspend the gas tax because he royally fucked up and his Iran war is hurting everyone. More: NBC News

Note four: It’s Tuesday so people are voting. If they’re voting where you live, please join them and vote against the assholes. More: NBC News, More: Bolts Mag

Note five: We weren’t kidding about Trump falling asleep in the Oval yesterday. They tried to tell us he was just blinking, but we ain’t never seen a motherfucker blink for 19 seconds. If there was ever a president who needed wokeness…

Note six: Virginia Democrats are asking the U.S. Supreme Court to save them from the state Supreme Court. Why not just ask Santa? Seriously. The court ruling is bullshit. Implement the maps anyway. More: CNN

Note seven: Hegseth is testifying again today. We are begging just one Democrat to push back on his temper tantrums by asking him if he’s been drinking this morning. More: Associated Press

Note eight: You know all those lectures we get about lowering the temperature and watching our rhetoric? Well they don’t seem to apply to the president who keeps calling for Obama to be arrested for treason. So the civility police can kiss our asses. More: Independent

Note nine: This joke about Melania is tasteless and very funny. More: HuffPost

Note 10: If you think we’re sexy (patriots) and you want our bodies, come on, SPs, let us know. That’s our Rod Stewart impression. Maybe we should just quote what he says here…

Note 11: John Fetterman thinks it’s funny that Trump called a woman reporter “piggy.” Does John Fetterman not own a fucking mirror? More: The Wrap

Note 12: We sure are glad we aren’t so goddamn shit-for-brains stupid that we would buy a cell phone from the Trump University guy. More: The Hill

Note 13: Don Jr. ain’t too bright. He gets it from his dad.

Note 14: While we were writing this morning, the new inflation numbers came out. Didn’t we have a whole fucking presidential campaign about this? Because we sure as shit don’t remember anyone talking about Greenland and golden fucking arches. More: ABC News

Note 15: Louisiana is throwing out 45,000 votes, and the scumbag governor says it’s “no big deal.” It’s hard for us to imagine anything more un-American. More: HuffPost

Note 16: The Lakers got swept last night. Many people are calling it The Curse of Spencer Pratt. Seriously, LA, please don’t vote for that chode. More: Yahoo

Note 17: What the effing fuck does “under-babied” mean? And why does the toilet seat cocaine guy keep talking about teenage boys’ sperm counts?

Note 18: Watch this Tennessee teenager read a bunch of scummy adults for filth after they circled the wagons around a creeper. Shame on this town if they don’t vote every single one of these fuckers out. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to some dark places. Y’all know we abhor political violence. But we’re actually pretty cool with sanctioned, legal violence. So we don’t mind celebrating a little bit that Trump kiss-ass and all-around asshole Jake Paul got fucked up so badly in his last fight that he might not be able to fight again. LOL. Sucks to suck.

Note 20: And on that bloodthirsty note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far and that you aren’t falling for any online hoaxes or staging any fake assassination attempts. Just kidding. Maybe. Love y’all!

The Great Wank of China
Well, America is about to get less sucky for a couple of days as Donald Trump is leaving. Unfortunately, he will come back at some point, but he’s off to China for a long-awaited meeting with the world’s new dominant super power since we pretty much squandered everything. Trump is taking Tim Cook and Elon Leon with him, so yeah China is about to regret ever extending the invitation. We assume Trump will use the trip to give away Taiwan and get Ivanka some more patents. DON’T COME BACK!!! More: NPR, More: CNBC

Shithouse?!
We’re including this in the news section just because the MSM would have gone fucking crazy over this had it been Obama or Biden. Yesterday, as part of his evening ramblings to a group of law enforcement officials, Trump called the White House a “shit house.” We suppose that makes him the shithouse rat. You seriously can’t imagine the outrage if President Obama had said anything like this. It’s beyond infuriating. Trump is welcome to move. We suggest hell. More: HuffPost

John Crow strikes again
If there were any doubts about whether the Supreme Court is doing everything it can to hurt Black voters and save Republicans this cycle, then they were laid to rest yesterday. In a shockingly inconsistent decision, Sam Alito and his gang of scum said Alabama can throw out the maps (that SCOTUS ordered drawn just three fucking years ago) and force new ones even though the primary is on Tuesday and people already voted. The Republican majority suddenly isn’t worried about interfering in elections or causing confusion. It’s pretty clear at this point that the entire GOP apparatus is terrified we might actually win this November and they are doing everything possible to stop that from happening. We’re gonna have to work our asses off to overcome this. But we will overcome this. More: Associated Press

Today’s clips
A campaign advertisement supporting Rep. Thomas Massie (R-Ky.) in a Republican primary election against challenger Ed Gallrein shows a Star of David behind a Jewish donor supporting Gallrein. More: HuffPost

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump is scheduled to see doctors for a medical and dental checkup this month — his fourth publicized visit to medical experts since returning to office — in what the White House describes as an annual physical and regular preventive care. More: Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) — Workers began preliminary surveys and testing Monday of the proposed site of a Triumphal Arch sought by President Donald Trump, the latest step in plans for the contentious project in the nation’s capital. More: Associated Press

A lot of people on social media have beef with a British-born man running for governor of California ― and it’s all because of a taco. More: HuffPost

President Donald Trump nominated Cameron Hamilton Monday to lead the Federal Emergency Management Agency, a notable comeback for the former Navy SEAL who was fired from his role as FEMA’s temporary leader last year after he defended its existence. More: Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) — The Supreme Court is leaving women’s access to a widely used abortion pill untouched until at least Thursday, while the justices consider whether to allow restrictions on the drug, mifepristone, to take effect. More: Associated Press

The company that operates online learning system Canvas said it struck a deal with hackers to delete the data they pilfered in a cyberattack that created chaos for students, many of them in the middle of finals. More: NBC News