Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it’s really gonna fucking miss Mr. Belding.
Note: It’s Awards Season, Sexy Patriots! We’re not talking Grammys, Emmys or Oscars. No, this one is totally made up and just as important! We are proud to be presenting the first annual Herschel Walker Award for the Worst Goddamn Political Candidate We’ve Ever Seen. Or the Herschie Squirts for short. The award is named after former NFL player and Georgia U.S. Senate candidate Herschel Walker. But only because he was the worst goddamn political candidate we’ve ever seen. Until now.
Ladies and Gentleman and Sexy Patriots, it is our distinct honor to present this year’s award to all-around piece of shit Ken Paxton.
Congratulations, Ken. Please don’t shake our hands. If anyone deserves this new and not real award, it’s this slimy motherfucker. But what if he’s not really a bad politician? What if he’s just an evil soulless suck monster and he just can’t hide it? Well we caught up with the big winner after the awards ceremony and this is what he had to say…
Us: Ken! Congrats! Is it true you’re a worthless fucking scumbag?
Ken: I want data centers to have sex with the mother of every Texan.
Us: Well that seems unpopular. Are you evil AND stupid?
Ken: We should send all our football players to fight in Iran.
Us: Seriously, dude, did you bet on Talarico?
Ken: Trump 2028! Keep those Epstein files hidden!
Us: Ok we’re done here.
Look at Kenny showing us why he won this year’s award in a landslide. And a real landslide; not that bullshit Trump is always rambling about. Anyway, Texas, please don’t fuck this up. You are better than Ken Paxton. Everyone is. Even Herschel fucking Walker. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: Rahm and Ari Emanuel are sure enjoying a lot of free press lately. We would like to remind you that they are both human garbage. Don’t believe us? Well here’s Ari talking about his good buddy Elon. More: Mediaite
Note three: According to the Trump supporters at Politico, Trump is losing his more diehard supporters. But not Politico. What did it? Epstein. So maybe we should talk about that in addition to affordability. More: HuffPost
Note four: The DA is opening a new investigation into the horrifying gang rape allegations at Cornell. America has a thriving rape culture, and it sickens us. Hell, the president of the United States had to pay $6 million to a woman he sexually abused and the press haven’t even asked him about it. More: NBC News
Note five: The campaign ads are starting to hit the airwaves and holy shit are they good. Sherrod might be our favorite so far…
Note six: It’s so fucked up that Trump is using our money on campaign ads that even Republicans are condemning it. And you know what fucking wimps they are. More: AP
Note seven: The Senate passed a bill yesterday that’s supposed to save college sports. How? By capping the money athletes are allowed to make. We like this precedent. Let’s do Silicon Valley and Wall Street execs next. More: AP
Note eight: RIP to actor Dennis Haskins, also known as Mr. Belding from Saved by the Bell. That show was huge for us. And we were just getting over losing Screech. More: Deadline
Note nine: The L.A. mayoral candidates are having a debate tonight. We’re curious who our L.A. readers are supporting in this race. Sam rocked with Karen in the primary, but her support of the Paramount settlement has him rethinking things. More: AP
Note 10: Here’s another great campaign ad. We fucking love that Adbul is channeling Detroit native Tim Robinson and his hotdog suit. We bet Mike Rogers doesn’t even know who Tim Robinson is. And he probably wears a fedora with safari flaps in the back.
Note 11: Trump’s stupid ban on Canadian imports has gone into effect. What a fucking idiot. More: AP
Note 12: It never ceases to amaze us how Mamdani plays Trump. He’s like a fucking magician. Or someone who trains really dumb animals. More: HuffPost
Note 13: Roger Marshall REALLY wants people to know he sent the cops after mothers. It seems like stupid politics to us, but whatever floats your boat, man. More: Kansas Reflector
Note 14: Trump is hosting an AI summit. We will bet you anything that he spends the whole time talking about how it should be called superintelligence. Because he’s dumber than dog shit and that’s all he has to contribute to the conversation. More: NBC News
Note 15: Jon Husted is damn lucky we already handed out the Herschel Walker Award to someone else…
Note 16: There are people being paid by the Pentagon who spend all day on social media trashing Americans. We sure hope these fuckers like testifying because it’s coming. More: Wired
Note 17: Chuck Grassley is older than dirt, and he’s big worried that his Senate seat might go to someone other than his goddamn grandson. Maybe the people of Iowa should get to decide, Chuckles. More: ABC News
Note 18: There is no one left at the FBI except for Kash Patel and someone who fucks animals. It’s possible they are the same person. More: AP
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to Monday Night Football. Why? Well because this was a fantastic rendition of the National Anthem that made us proud to be Americans. And you know it really pissed off the assholes.
Note 20: And on that patriotic note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. Or at least a better week than Ken Paxton’s sleazy ass. Love y’all!
Foxconn-artist
Trump invited Iowa’s endangered politicians to the Oval Office yesterday to announce that he has convinced a steel company to move from Minnesota to Iowa and build a giant factory. And if you think that’s gonna happen, then we have a fucking bridge to sell you. Other than attempting another coup, this is Trump’s last play. He is trying to bribe red states by hurting blue states. But he has already done so much economic damage that we don’t think this will work. Axios today is reporting that Iowa farms have been wiped out. But it sure was nice to see Ashley Hinson and Kim Reynolds in attendance and kissing Trump’s napping ass yesterday. He even said he’s going to rally with them. Sounds good to us.
LOLOL!!!
The Speaker of the House is out doing interviews, and we think that’s wonderful. Because every single time he opens his mouth Trump’s dick and a bunch of dumb shit comes out. This is the latest from Mike Little Johnson as he promises Americans two more years of the shit they already hate. Keep talking, Mikey!
More: bsky.app
Tell ‘em, Jack
Chuck Grassley has decided to haul Jack Smith in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee to try and make him look like a bad dude for prosecuting Trump. We know that Republicans are high on their own bullshit, but it seems really dumb to bring up how Trump is a scumbag who tried to overturn an election. The hearing actually got underway while we were writing, so we can show you this clip from Jack’s opening statement…
More: bsky.app
Today’s clips
WASHINGTON (AP) — Two U.S. Navy aviators ejected as they were landing their plane on the USS Dwight D. Eisenhower aircraft carrier off the coast of Virginia on Monday and four sailors aboard the vessel were injured in what the Navy characterized as a “mishap.” More: AP
WASHINGTON (AP) — A lawyer who backed President Donald Trump’s false 2020 election claims has resigned from a Justice Department investigation into whether former government officials conspired against the Republican president, a person familiar with the matter said on Monday. More: AP
The U.S. National Security Agency and other military intelligence and cybersecurity forces will guard election systems during the November midterms, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth said Monday. More: AP
WASHINGTON (AP) — Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito recused himself Monday from a major climate-change case after facing calls to step aside due to stock holdings in oil companies. More: AP
KYIV, Ukraine — Russia’s round-the-clock bombardment of targets in Ukraine killed at least seven people and wounded more than 80 others, officials said Monday. More: NBC News
The NFL has asked the Department of Homeland Security to take down a video on social media showing highlights of Hall of Fame safety Brian Dawkins in reference to a purported caravan of immigrants approaching the U.S. border. More: HuffPost
Loved the clip of the Star Spangled Banner played by the Mariachi Herencia de Mexico band before the Bears-Eagles game in Chicago. The cheering from the crowd gave me hope and brought tears to my eyes.
Thanks for leading with Ken Paxton!!! This Texan appreciates it!