The Hero of Union Station

It’s Thursday. There are 439 days until the midterm elections. Tulski dismantles the intel community, a Fed governor says eff off and it’s on in California (and hopefully other blue states).

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It’s still not as offensive as Morning Joe.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we hate to do it, but we’re planning to take tomorrow off. We’re still hoping to put a little something-something in your inbox, but we really need to recharge the ol’ batteries. The good news is there are now plenty of people out there cussing fascism straight to hell. Yeah, we talk a lot about how Trumpism creates opportunities for everyday Americans to become heroes. Yesterday we saw one of those heroes in action…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! “Oh look it’s couchfucker” is maybe the greatest quote in American political history. We have no idea who that anonymous hero is, but as far as we’re concerned, he is the new Thomas Paine. And we take a great deal of satisfaction in the knowledge that this couch-fucking business is going to follow Jizzcovered Davenport (JD) Vance for the rest of his miserable ass-kissing life. It couldn’t happen to a nicer piece of shit.

But this isn’t about the loser with his little weiner in the sofa. This is about real Americans fighting back by mocking fascist losers every single time they show their butt-ugly faces in public. The fascists can send troops, they can sic the DOJ on us and they can threaten us all day long. But we’re still gonna stand here and call them couchfuckers because we’re Americans and we don’t take shit from fascist freaks. Y’all have a blessed day.

Housekeeping note: Today’s Therapy Session will be at 4:30 PM ET/1:30 PM PT here on Substack!

Note two: Last night, Russia launched one of its biggest attacks on Ukraine this year. Probably because Putin respects Trump so much. More: AP News

Note three: Oh and they hit an American factory in Western Ukraine. We’re sure the America First fuckheads will be furious. More: NPR

Note four: Putin has also killed Americans. And that makes us wonder why the effing hell a Trump lackey is delivering Russian medals to the family of a dead American who was fighting for Russia. God this is all so fucking gross. More: CNN

Note five: Here’s Peewee German attacking “elderly white hippies.” Well on behalf of elderly white hippies, we’d like to invite Miller to eat all the shit. He can even put mayonnaise on it.

Note six: We have some good news today. James Dobson died. Yeah, we might be losing civil rights leaders and the greatest generation, but we’re also losing evangelical assheads. We hope he’s enjoying the flames this morning. More: HuffPost

Note seven: This story about an Eric Adams aide trying to bribe a NYC reporter with $160 in a bag of chips wasn’t the craziest thing we read yesterday. But it was pretty damn close. More: The City

Note eight: Scientists have spotted a new moon orbiting Uranus. You might wanna get that checked out by a doctor. More: Space

Note nine: We really, really hate Morning Joe. The ass-kissing weasel had the audacity to attack Newsom for trolling Trump. Between the two of us, we have 3.75 asscheeks (don’t ask), and we’d like to invite Joe and Mika to kiss them all. If it helps, they can pretend we’re Trump. More: The Wrap

Note 10: And Joe ain’t the only Trumplick to lose it over Gavin’s glorious trolling. Hannity damn near crapped himself last night.

Note 11: After MSNBC or whatever it’s called starting talking about the president’s cankles, he had a tantrum on his gross social media site. So now we know the cankle talk makes him mad and we shall talk about it nonstop. More: Daily Beast

Note 12: How gross is it that a Trump Housing official is looking at mortgages to try and cook up charges against Trump’s political enemies and obstacles? Well even the Wall Street Journal is calling it out. More: WSJ

Note 13: We seriously had no idea that Bed, Bath and Beyond was still a thing, but we sure as fuck won’t be shopping there. Or we wouldn’t if we knew where one was. More: USA Today, Mediaite

Note 14: Trump is threatening Colorado if they don’t release criminal Tina Peters, a clerk who tried to cheat in the 2020 election and then assaulted a cop. We hope she rots. More: Newsweek

Note 15: We have no idea if this is real, but it put a giant smile on our faces so we just had to share it. We guess this is much easier than signing putting your head up your own ass.

Note 16: Jesus. Someone at Lake Tahoe caught the plague. We’re waiting for RFK Jr. to announce he is going to drink this person’s bathwater for super duper immunity. More: NBC

Note 17: Allow us to be the first to say we don’t give a flying fuck about the Cracker Barrell logo. We do, however, love their chicken-fried steak very much. More: Independent

Note 18: Pam Bondi is demanding private medical information on trans kids. It’s impossible to overstate how much we hate these cruel fuckers. More: Washington Blade

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going on down to South Park again. The show was back last night and holy shit are they not letting up on the Trump-has-a-small-penis bit.

Note 20: And on that amazing note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have a great weekend and that nobody yells in public that you have sex with furniture. We love y’all and we’ll see you back here on Monday.

Putin wins again

Tulski Gabbard, who Russian state media have referred to as “our girlfriend,” is working hard to dismantle the U.S. intelligence community. Not only has Gabbard fired anyone who told the truth about Trump’s strikes in Iran, but now she’s literally dismantling our capabilities. Gabbard announced yesterday she is planning to gut the Office of the Director of National Intelligence staff by 50 percent and cut more than $700 million from the budget. Yeah, they have essentially killed our defenses against Russian cyberattacks and done everything possible to make us vulnerable to terrorism. Putin must be shocked by how easy it was to turn some Americans into his bitches.

More: Politico

Go Fed yourself

Lisa Cook says she ain’t going nowhere, and we’re with her. Cook is a Federal Reserve governor and the latest target of Trump’s use of the government to attack his enemies. Bill Pulte, a piece of Trump trash who is targeting Cook, showed his cards this morning by appearing on Fox News to attack the governor. The obvious reality is Trump wants to pack the Fed board with loyalists, and he’s starting where he always does by attacking a Black woman. We hate that Cook has to go through this, but we’re damn glad to see she is pushing back. And Bill Pulte better make sure he gets a pardon before his orange daddy leaves office.

More: CNBC

Git his ass, Gavin

Well, it happened. Texas Republicans pushed through a new gerrymandered congressional map that will make them easier to pick up five seats while also shitting all over representation for Black and Hispanic Texans. It’s also official that Democrats aren’t taking this shit lying down. While we’re seeing some self-loathing dumbfucks say that Democrats should continue to take the high road, people who live in the real world, like Gavin Newsom, are fighting back. Today the California legislature is going to pass legislation that would send the issue to voters. So in November, Californians will be voting to allow the state to draw new districts and fight fire with fire. We’re also seeing Kathy Hochul in New York banging this war drum, and we’re hopeful that other Blue State guvs will do the same. Republicans are trying to rig the midterms, and we can’t let them. It’s as simple as that.

More: Guardian, AP News

Today’s clips

A reporter had their credentials revoked by LIV Golf after he refused to take out a question about the league’s Saudi funding on his podcast. More: Mediaite

Vice President JD Vance was branded a “condescending prick” and more this week over the way he claimed to have welcomed Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy into the Oval Office on Monday. More: HuffPost

PlayStation 5 game consoles will cost $50 more in the U.S. starting this week, Sony announced on Wednesday. More: NBC

Israel launched strikes on Gaza City overnight as it moved forward with a new offensive in the Palestinian enclave despite international condemnation and mounting domestic protests. More: NBC

CNN GOP analyst Scott Jennings stunned anchor Abby Phillip when he responded to polls on President Donald Trump’s Washington, D.C., police takeover by saying he doesn’t care what residents think. More: Mediaite

President Donald Trump’s construction on a $200 million ballroom has resulted in an unexpected casualty: public White House tours. More: HuffPost

Advocates have raised the alarm about the harrowing similarities between the modern-day use of a $1.2 billion immigration detention center in Texas and its historical use as an incarceration camp during World War II. More: HuffPost