The Epstein Conspiracy

It’s Wednesday. There are 454 days until the midterm elections. A Florida Rep does Florida stuff, Big Balls takes a beating and the Epstein conspirators gather for a cover-up.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And thanks to y’all, it will keep on cussin’.

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! Big thank yous to everyone who commented yesterday in support of our profanity. We feel encouraged to keep the river of obscenities flowing, so that’s what we’re gonna do. And that brings us to the Shithouse Rat. If you’ve been with us for a long time, then you know that “crazier than a shithouse rat” used to be one of our favorite and most-used cussing phrases. Then we just shortened it to Nancy Mace. But thanks to this fucking lunatic, we are bringing it back…

Wow. So that’s what it’s like to watch a serial killer at work. Pretty goddamn terrifying, ain’t it? Yeah, we probably fucked up by putting the ex-junkie with the brain worm in charge of our health. And since this is a level of crazy beyond our comprehension, we thought we’d check in with our old friend. Here now is the Shithouse Rat…

Us: Hey, SR!

Shithouse Rat: Hey guys! Loving the newsletter. Or I was until that cheap Nancy Mace joke. Way below the belt. I just love the taste, smell and texture of outhouse feces. Nancy Mace is way worse than that.

Us: You’re right. We’re sorry. So what do you think of comparisons between you and RFK Jr.?

SR: Well, I’d love to take the high road again here, but there’s some accuracy to it. After all, my ancestors carried the plague and killed millions, and that dumb sonofabitch is a plague who will kill millions. Only we didn’t do it on purpose.

Us: So RFK Jr. really is crazier than a shithouse rat?

SR: Yeah, he’s fucking nuts, man.

Sounds legit to us. After all, we trust an imaginary outhouse rodent we made up way more than we trust the Health and Human Services Secretary. What a cool time to be alive! Y’all have a blessed day. More: Associated Press

Note two: On a semi-serious note, your comments really did make our day yesterday. Thanks for that, you Super Sexy Patriots.

Note three: Hey just a reminder that Republicans are gross sex creeps and you should keep your kids far, far away from them. Especially in Utah. More: The Salt Lake Tribune

Note four: Speaking of sex creeps, we want to issue a PSA to tell people to stop throwing dildos on the floor at WNBA games. It’s weird, and it’s a shitty thing to do to professional athletes. Although we do think it’s kinda funny that Sophie Cunningham was the victim here. More: CNN

Note five: Yesterday right after we published, we saw that some idiot had climbed up on the White House roof. You can imagine our alarm when we learned it was the president of the United States. Also, Diddler on the Roof is fucking hilarious.

Note six: Certified lunatic and U.S. Senator Marsha Blackburn just announced she’s running for governor of Tennessee. The Volunteer State does not deserve this. Or maybe it does. More: HuffPost

Note seven: The Texas Republican war on democracy continues as Gov. Greg Abbott is trying to get his Supreme Court buddies to remove the Democratic leader from office. Even for Texas, that’s pretty fucked up. More: NBC News

Note eight: Russian asset Tulisi Gabbard is really trying to go after Barack Obama. LOL! We fucking dare her. In fact, we want to have this trial. Go for it, Tulski! More: Mediaite

Note nine: Trump sent his lackey to kiss Putin’s ass. It sure ain’t hard to figure out why Putin continues to wage his illegal war on Ukraine. More: NBC News

Note 10: Remember yesterday when Trump was on CNBC declaring that “Harry Emtem” said his poll numbers were in the 70s? Well here’s Harry Enten to refute that nonsense…

Note 11: This has nothing to do with politics, but here’s Sam’s Summer Tip — take a watermelon if you’re invited to a party. They’re a hit! Delicious and a cheap way to feed a lot of people.

Note 12: Yesterday Trump said it was “not uncommon” for Ghislaine Maxwell to get a cushy spot at Club Fed. That was right after he said he didn’t know anything about it. But just to be clear, it sure as shit is uncommon. More: NBC News

Note 13: Yesterday House Oversight Chairman James Comer subpoenaed a bunch of Democrats over the Epstein shit. You know who he left off the list? Alex Acosta, the Republican slime who gave Epstein his sweetheart deal before landing a gig as Trump’s Secretary of Labor. It was probably just an oversight. Right? More: NBC News

Note 14: Trump literally forgot Kristi Noem’s name while he was standing right next to her. Oh well, it’s not like he’s freeing child rapists or wandering around on the White House roof. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Man, the New York Times editorial page is a goddamn mess. But this really sums up just how the MSM have looked at Trump from the beginning. Pussies.

Note 16: Welcome to the party, pal! Former Georgia Lt. Gov. Geoff Duncan has switched parties and become a Democrat. He’s probably doing it for cynical selfish reasons, but we can’t be picky these days. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Alan Dershowitz just can’t figure out why everyone hates him. Maybe it’s because he goes on television and attacks Epstein’s victims. Or maybe it’s because he got a massage at Epstein’s house from a young woman. Or maybe it’s because he made us all puke by telling us he kept his underwear on. More: Mediaite

Note 18: Hey we’re just throwing this out there, but we believe the number to Health and Human Services is 1-877-696-6775. Ya know, just in case you want to tell the brain worm fuckhead to leave our vaccines alone.

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going back to South Park. Ahead of tonight’s episode, the show’s creators told the Department of Homeland Security to “eat a bag of dicks,” and we are soooooo here for it. Resistance South Park is kinda awesome. More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that hilarious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope you have a lovely hump day. Unless you’re RFK Jr. We hope that guy has a shit day. The brain worm too. Love y’all!

Florida man
This one is a bit confusing, but the bottom line is that Republican Rep. Cory Mills is a fucking scumbag. Mills has already had DOJ protect him from an allegation of domestic abuse when he was accused of assaulting his girlfriend who wasn’t his wife. Now a Miss United States, who also happens to be a Republican committee woman from Florida, has filed for a restraining order against the creep because he allegedly threatened to release sex tapes of her. Wouldn’t it be great if we had a national press corps that would ask Ed Martin why he covered for a criminal? Also, Florida, get your shit together. This is getting embarrassing.

Miss United States Files Restraining Order Against GOP Rep. Cory Mills

Not-so-Big Balls
Big Balls has been beaten! We repeat: Big Balls has been beaten! Yeah, the child who Trump and Elon Leon let fuck up the federal government was assaulted late at nice in D.C. That’s why Trump spent part of yesterday threatening to federalize the city. In typical fashion, Elon Leon lied and said that Big Balls was stepping in to protect a woman when he was assaulted by a dozen youths. The reality? Big Balls and his girlfriend got carjacked. We’re not sure who did it, but we’re guessing it was Karma. Obviously we condemn violence and all that, but… wait… we forgot what we were saying. Oh well. More: Wired

Conspiracy dinner
The Trump conspiracy to cover for the president and his relationship to one of history’s most infamous child sex traffickers is kicking into hyperdrive tonight when a bunch of federal law enforcement types join Trump’s political team at the vice president’s house to discuss how to move forward with their cover-up. We’re not even kidding. After making more excuses for Maxwell’s prison transfer yesterday, Trump and his team apparently leaked to the MSM that Maxwell did not accuse Trump of anything when she interviewed with his personal attorney before the transfer. Yeah, no shit. Now the team is meeting to conspire the way forward, and they’re even considering sending the creepy lawyer to Joe Rogan’s show. We’ve seen a lot of fucked up shit in Trumpland, but this might take the cake. More: CNN

Today’s clips
President Donald Trump lashed out at Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer on Wednesday, accusing him of “extortion” and branding Democrats as “thugs” holding the country to ransom over stalled nominations. More: Mediaite

President Donald Trump said he was doubling tariffs on India from 25% to 50%. More: NBC News

Apple CEO Tim Cook will join President Donald Trump on Wednesday for an event touting what the White House calls a new $100 billion investment commitment by the tech giant in the U.S. More: NBC News

Lawmakers in a Massachusetts city have voted to pass a historic ordinance divesting from companies that contribute to human rights violations, including Israel’s ongoing destruction of Gaza. More: HuffPost

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