The Eff-it of July

It’s Thursday. There are 488 days until the midterm elections. Hell in El Salvador, a jobs report we don’t believe and the House screws us all.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it never took away anyone’s healthcare.

Housekeeping note: Sam and Adam will be live at 4 PM ET/1 PM PT today for the weekly therapy session! We will drop you a note with the link when we go live!

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we did our best. Late last night, the chickenshit “little bitches” — their words; not ours — did what they did best and got on their knees to kiss orange ass and do whatever their gameshow host daddy tells them to. So it looks like the big fugly dumbfuck bill is going to pass today. And we wanted to say thank you.

But Adam and Sam, why are you thanking us when we lost this crucial battle and also how are you both so good-looking? Well we appreciate that. We’re saying thank you not because we lost, but because we fought. We know how y’all worked the phones. We know you marched. We know you never gave up. As we write this, Hakeem Jeffries is on the House floor speaking into his fifth hour to try and delay this monstrosity. Hell even limp-peen Chuck Schumer kept his caucus united and forced delays and changes that will make a real difference…

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. So what do we do next? Well, tomorrow is the Fourth of July, when we celebrate our independence from a king and that time Bill Pullman took down all those aliens. We’re going to cook out, see family and friends and seethe about what a fucking joke this country is right now. And then we’re going to get ready for the next fight. We’re Americans. We’re too dumb and too stubborn to quit. It’s true we’re down right now. And a lot of people are going to get hurt. That’s why we must avenge them.

We’re going to spend the next year making sure Republicans eat every last bite of this shit sandwich. They are going to feel our anger. They are going to know our wrath. So let’s take today and tomorrow to be insanely pissed off and disgusted with our dumbshit nation — the Fuck-it of July — and then let’s get back in the fight. Because fuck these assholes. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We know it’s hard to see right now, but a lot of Republicans signed their retirement papers last night. Goodbye, David Valadao! More: KGET 17 News

Note three: Trump attacked Jamie Raskin’s “ugly face” last night. We think Rep. Raskin is a hottie, and we find it super sexy the way he isn’t trying to kill us. It should be a major warning sign that Trump thinks he’s handsome. More: HuffPost

Note four: House Republican Derrick Van Orden insisted yesterday that House Republicans are not Trump’s “little bitches.” And then the little bitch gave Trump everything he wanted. More: The New Republic

Note five: Oh and not for nothing, but Trump really has zero idea that this bill is actually wrecking Medicaid. Great presidenting, asshole! More: MSNBC

Note six: It has taken longer than we would have liked, but it looks like our party has found its war footing. We sure as shit approve this message…

Note seven: Jimmy Swaggart is still dead.

Note eight: If you need a smile — and we all desperately need a smile right now — read this story about a few folks in Kentucky who decided to have their own No Kings protest. We’re everywhere. And we’re not quitting. More: Kentucky Lantern

Note nine: We watched the weirdest damn movie last night. It’s John Cena as the president, and he’s super pro-NATO. In fact, the whole movie was really pro-NATO. We approve the message. We don’t approve the casting of Chuck Todd as a news anchor. Almost ruined the whole fucking thing. More: Freep

Note 10: Why do we have to keep fighting? Because the rest of this country is too fucking stupid to survive without us…

Note 11: Trump keeps lying about social security not being taxed because of his fugly bill. Here’s the AP with some truth. More: AP News

Note 12: USA men’s soccer won last night, shocking the hell out of us. Now they’ll play Mexico in the Gold Cup final, and we’re not sure who we’ll be rooting for. It’s a complicated time to be an American. More: Yahoo Sports

Note 13: SCOTUS announced this morning they’re going to hurt trans kids some more. It’s amazing how much adult insecurity and evil is directed at like 17 kids. More: The Hill

Note 14: You want to lose your shit? We’re literally taking away healthcare and food from people, but we have money for Trump to build his stupid goddamn garden of heroes. We can’t wait to take a dump in it. More: Art News

Note 15: We were gonna use this note to show you more politics stuff, but here’s actor Keith David learning he’s getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. It will make you less angry than the other thing.

Note 16: Dr. Phil has filed for bankruptcy. We hope he starves. More: Mediaite

Note 17: It’s already happening. While we were writing, a news story hit social media about a medical clinic in rural Nebraska that is closing its doors because of anticipated medicaid cuts. Are we great again or what? More: KLKNTV

Note 18: Well this is just perfect. The site of the Jonestown massacre is now a fucking tourist attraction. Maybe it’s time for humanity to be done. Let’s give the orcas a chance to run things. More: Rolling Stone

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to the WNBA and New York Liberty badass Natasha Cloud. House Republicans might be Trump’s little bitches, but the rest of us aren’t scared of him. Thank you for this, Natasha. We needed it.

Note 20: And on that proudly defiant note, let’s go do some news! Everything sucks right now except y’all. Please try to keep your heads up and let’s get ready for the next fight. We love y’all, and we’re sorry we don’t have better news today. Hang in there, SPs.

Bonus note: Because we need it, here’s Willie Nelson singing “Rainbow Connection.”

Hell Salvador

The American government is sending innocent people to an El Salvador concentration camp to be tortured. In an amended court filing, Kilmar Abrego Garcia says that he was severely beaten and forced to kneel for hours at a time. He “was denied bathroom access and soiled himself.” As the great Asha Rangappa noted, “this is why they didn’t want him back: He is a witness.” She’s right. Now we just need this country to grow a conscience and start giving a fuck about this cruel and evil behavior.

More: NBC

We ain’t buying it

So yesterday the ADP report came out showing Trump managed to lose 33,000 private sector jobs last month. And then this morning, the government’s monthly jobs report came out showing that the economy added a surprising 147,000 jobs last month. We think that’s bullshit. As much as we hate to resort to conspiracy theories, we just don’t think we can trust these numbers anymore. Elon Leon spent months firing people, and Trump’s tariffs have fucked up countless companies. But we’re supposed to believe everyone is still hiring? Yeah, right. And Trump is a stable genius.

More: USA Today

A death bill

Hakeem Jeffries was still going when we hit send on this thing. So final passage hasn’t happened yet, but it will today. By now you know what this piece of shit will do — 17 million will lose healthcare, millions will go without much-needed food assistance, ICE is now better funded than the Marines and many new concentration camps will be built. In short, this is an act of evil that will have profound and deadly consequences for years to come. If you hate your country right now, we get it. If you’re ready to take it back from a bunch of psycho ass-kissing freaks, we get that too.

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

American contractors guarding aid distribution sites in Gaza are using live ammunition and stun grenades as hungry Palestinians scramble for food, according to accounts and videos obtained by The Associated Press. More: Pinal Central

Iran will not retaliate further for the United States’ punishing strikes on its nuclear program, a senior government official told NBC News on Thursday, saying his country is open to negotiations with Washington. More: NBC

The government’s top vaccine official working under Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. recently restricted the approval of two COVID-19 vaccines, disregarding recommendations from government scientists, according to federal documents released Wednesday. More: AP News

Good news, basketball fans: Red Panda intends to be ready for next season. More: ESPN