The Dingus Party

Happy Friday. There are 256 days until the midterm elections. More sex crimes from the creep cabinet, Epstein’s CBP friends and SCOTUS shuts down Trump’s tariffs.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. You should have heard it during that women’s hockey game.

Note: There we were, Sexy Patriots. We were all set to go. We had a whole hilarious screed making fun of JD Vance for being a loser. We said he was like Fozzie Bear if Fozzie Bear fucked furniture. But then we saw something so goddamn creepy and unsettling that it stopped us in our tracks, leaving our mouths agape as we looked to the heavens and shouted WHAT THE EFFING FUCK IS WRONG WITH REPUBLICAN MEN?!!!!

Yiiiiiiikes. Remember when people used to say something was grody to the max? Well that repugnant shit is grody to the max. The good news is the GOP has found its standard-bearer. Because nothing sums up the modern Republican Party like a man named Dingus sniffing kids’ underwear. It’s bad enough these sonsofbitches want us dead. But do they have to keep skeeving us out too?! We didn’t even think that was real until we saw that it was about a Republican.

Anyway, we really hope Dingus dies in prison, but he’s probably gonna be the next DHS secretary. And we really think it’s time for a national conversation about the fucked up ickiness of Republican men. Because they ain’t right. Seriously. Keep your kids far away from these people. Especially the president of the United States. Y’all have a blessed day. Except you, Dingus. You sick fuck.

Note two: Anyone need some therapy after learning about ol’ Dirty Dingus? Yeah, us too. How about today at 3 p.m. ET/noon PT? Groovy. We’ll see you then.

Note three: HUGE congrats to the U.S. women’s hockey team on a thrilling win for the gold medal yesterday. It’s hard to root for the flag these days, but it was sure was easy rooting for those badass women. More: ESPN

Note four: Unfortunately, it’s harder to root for the dudes’ team. They’re so fucking Trumpy that Kash Patel is headed there to watch them play. Guess the Guthrie family is on their own. More: Independent

Note five: As for couch boy, well, have you ever seen a more charmless limp weiner of a man? Even the crickets didn’t make a sound.

Note six: Democrats have asked new Virginia Gov. Abigail Spanberger to give the Democratic response to Trump’s SOTU next week. We love this pick, and we can’t wait to see her give him all the hell. More: The Guardian

Note seven: GDP grew at an anemic rate in the fourth quarter. They’re blaming the shutdown, but we blame Trump and his stupid policies. More: CNN

Note eight: Y’all know we stay out of primaries, but we couldn’t resist an ad that features the words “Fuck Trump.” Amazing. More: HuffPost

Note nine: They hung up a banner of Trump’s face at DOJ. We can’t wait to tear this thing down, wipe our asses with it, set it on fire and then shit on the ashes. More: NBC News

Note 10: Political cartoons don’t carry the same weight they used to, but man they can still pack a punch…

Note 11: Veterans are suing Trump over his stupid arc. If it goes up, we’re tearing it down. Everything is a Saddam statue as far as we’re concerned. More: Court House News

Note 12: The Clintons are testifying on Epstein next week. So when the fuck does Trump testify? More: NBC News

Note 13: Trump says he “won” on affordability. Keep believing that, asshole.

Note 14: It looks like America has cooties. The NYTimes is reporting that we saw 11 million fewer international tourists last year. Which is weird because we assume everyone wants to get shot or kidnapped by ICE agents. More: New York Times

Note 15: How much does Denmark hate us now? They’ve developed an app to help them avoid buying American products. So this is what it feels like to be respected around the world again. More: Associated Press

Note 16: The MAHA moms are very surprised to learn the brainworm felcher guy is now pro-cancer. It’s almost like you can’t trust a lunatic who kills kids and works out in jeans. More: CNBC

Note 17: We are so grateful to this family for fighting for their sister. And thanks to Kaitlan Collins for continuing to give them a platform. We were gonna show you that horrifying picture of Andrew but we like this better.

Note 18: Speaking of Andrew, Trump is very upset he was arrested. Fucker couldn’t be bothered to say one single word about the victims though. Kinda gives away the whole thing, don’t it? More: CNBC

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to the Olympics. We freaking love these Olympians…

Note 20: And on that victorious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have an amazing weekend and don’t sniff any underwear. We also hope your name isn’t Dingus because that just seems like a recipe for disaster. Love y’all!

Lock ‘em all up
This is one of those stories that would have been a five-alarm fire if it happened in a Democratic administration. Of course that would never happen. The husband of Labor Secretary Lori Chavez-DeRemer is now barred from the department’s HQ because he allegedly sexually assaulted two women who work there. So yeah, the Labor Department isn’t protecting workers anymore. There is not one person working for this administration who isn’t a complete degenerate. And not in a good way. And Lori, great job shitting all over your family name. Idiot. More: The Guardian

Least surprising thing ever
You know when your favorite artists get together for a mega-collaboration? Well this is like that except evil. It turns out that Jeffrey Epstein was friendly with Customs and Border Patrol agents, buddying them up and keeping track of who was working when. So yeah, this is the least surprising development ever. And it sure helps our argument that DHS should be abolished because why would we keep a government agency that helps gross child rape traffickers? More: The Guardian

LOLOL!!!
We had to change it up while we were writing this morning. And then we had to change our pants because we were laughing so hard. In a 6-3 decision, SCOTUS ruled that Trump’s emergency tariffs are illegal. Despite months of all-caps Truth Social posts demanding his corrupt court back his idiotic tariffs, the high court ruled that only Congress can set tariffs. So yeah this is like the funniest fucking thing imaginable. We’re not gonna get all gooey and start kissing John Roberts’s bitch ass, but we do appreciate the laughs. More: NBC News

Today’s clips
The National Governors Association is pulling out of an annual meeting at the White House after President Donald Trump declined to invite two Democratic governors, undercutting one of Washington’s few remaining bipartisan gatherings. More: Associated Press

Hilary Knight and Evan Bates have been chosen as Team USA’s flag bearers for the closing ceremony of the Milan Cortina Winter Olympics. Both athletes are making their fifth Olympic appearance — and final one, in Knight’s case — and are earning the honor for the first time. More: NBC News

Jeffrey Epstein’s estate has agreed to pay as much as $35 million to resolve a class action lawsuit that accused two of the disgraced financier’s advisers of aiding and abetting his sex trafficking of young women and teenage girls, according to a court filing on Thursday. More: NBC News

The White House insisted that President Donald Trump was visiting Georgia to promote the economy.

But in the opening minutes of his first stop at a local restaurant before touring a steel company, the president raised debunked claims of voter fraud, talked up his plan to require voters to show identification before casting ballots, and discussed the recent FBI raid of election offices in the state’s most populous county. More: Associated Press

Rep. Thomas Massie (R-Ky.) had a close encounter of the skeptical kind after Donald Trump’s UFO announcement. More: HuffPost

Donald Trump held the first meeting his so-called Board of Peace in Washington, D.C., on Thursday, but it’s not exactly clear whether the president was actually “present” the whole time. More: HuffPost