The Dallas Disaster

It’s Tuesday. There are 56 days until the midterm elections. Lock up Lewandowski, the president behind your pain at the pump and Putin punks Trump… again.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it supports the idea of four-day weekends.

Note: Who’s ready to laugh? We know things are bleak these days, Sexy Patriots. We know there are days when you want to just scream and then go jump in a lake and stay there. We know that Trump and his enablers have pushed your hot asses to the brink. But we also know it’s really fucking hilarious sometimes when Trump comes face to face with the cold hard reality that he is a loser and America hates him. And that harsh reality will be on full display at the Dallas Dipshit-a-thon this week.

Why will it be so funny? Because nobody wants to go. They’re having to pay people to show up. And apparently they’re not offering enough for some people…

LOLOL!!! We’re feeling pretty good about winning the turnout battle when the president can’t even get his wife to show up. Or did they just not want to pay her appearance fee? It’s a bummer because we were looking forward to her giving another one of Michelle Obama’s speeches. Speaking of the Obamas, this kind of story would have been a huge scandal for them. But everyone just kind of accepts that Trump is in a fake and loveless marriage to a woman who hates him, hates us, hates Christmas and definitely hates dogs and small children.

So while you’re working to win elections this week, please don’t forget to laugh at the president and his four remaining friends at their embarrassing convention. Melania will probably be doing the same. And she’s the fucking worst. Y’all have a blessed day. More: The Independent

Note two: We did a surprise therapy session for Labor Day yesterday. If you missed it, you can get caught up here…

Note three: This week is also the 25th anniversary of 9/11 so get ready for lots of bigoted anti-Muslim bullshit disguised as journalism. NO GODDAMN LINK

Note four: Canada has fired back at Trump’s idiotic trade war. How fucking stupid do you have to be to piss off Canada? More: CNBC

Note five: The DHS secretary is dumber than dogshit. We do not feel safe.

Note six: It’s an Election Day. Yeah, we hate these late primaries too. Pick us a winner, New Hampshire! More: AP

Note seven: Trump’s stupid AI posts pissed off yet another country. Sorry, Iceland! It sure is cool that we only get along with Russia and North fucking Korea now.

​​[https://www.nbcnews.com/world/europe/iceland-summons-us-ambassador-trump-posts-map-american-flag-rcna596537](https://www.nbcnews.com/world/europe/iceland-summons-us-ambassador-trump-posts-map-american-flag-rcna596537)

Note eight: We want to give a shout out to all of our candidates and big-name surrogates who were hitting the campaign trail this Labor Day weekend. You wouldn’t know it from social media, but Democrats are fired up and ready to go. More: AP

Note nine: We’ll be honest and tell you that we have not followed the Lindsay Clancy trial. But she must be a horrible human being if she’s asking Trump for a pardon. More: NBC Boston

Note 10: We missed this over the weekend, but what the fuck? Even his wigs are giving up.

Note 11: Trump is making the Secret Service pay for hotdogs that he says are the best and the world. He just likes them because he is also made of lips and assholes. More: Mediaite

Note 12: The Middle East is very much in flames. But don’t worry. We’re sure the president will fix it with some meme of him as Batman or something. More: HuffPost

Note 13: The former Republican governor of Kentucky is sitting in a jail cell this morning. And his running mate is running for Congress. Hey Kentucky 6th, please vote for Zach Dembo!

Note 14: Best of luck to MSNBC’s Alex Witt, who just signed off after 27 years on-air. We realize that everything we write sounds snarky, but we actually mean this. More: HuffPost

Note 15: With Marie starting to fade, Hurricane Lowell is still out there. We’re sending love to Hawaii because they’ve gotten the shit kicked out of them and the president of the United States doesn’t care. Also, we saw your comments and we’ll try to stop Sam’s dumb ass from surfing in this shit. More: NBC News

Note 16: Do any of y’all know where Mitch McConnell is? Our guess is they stuffed him and he now stands in the corner of Scott Jennings’ bedroom.

Note 17: Remember when mainstream media reporters just couldn’t be sure if the birther asshole was a racist? Wonder if they’re still confused.

Note 18: We don’t ever do this, but we want to thank Donald Trump. Yeah, thanks for helping us keep New Mexico blue, you dumb motherfucker. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to elections guru Charlie Cook. Charlie says he has never seen anything like “the fiasco” Trump has forced on the GOP. You ain’t seen nothing yet, Charlie.

Note 20: And on that optimistic note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a lovely and fruitful Labor Day weekend. We’ve got 56 days to save this country, so let’s kick some ass. Love y’all!

Lock Up Lewandowski

Corey Lewandowski, Trump’s former campaign manager who literally assaulted a woman reporter right near Trump, is in some hot water. Yeah, when he was a “special employee” at DHS under his girlfriend Kristi Noem, Corey was apparently offering Middle Eastern countries special help with visas and other issues if they paid him directly, according to the Wall Street Journal. Even for Trump scum, this is a shocking level of corruption. And apparently Corey knows that and is banking on a pardon from Trump. Do we think Trump will even get asked about this? And if he doesn’t get a pardon, Corey is really gonna hate prison.

More: TMZ

The Gaseous POTUS

For a man with that much flatulence, Trump sure has fucked up the gas situation. In a desperate post this morning, Trump promised that he will get gas prices down to $3 or even $2 a gallon once the “war” with Iran is over. While it’s true that he has repeatedly told us that it’s not a war and it’s already over, it is not at all true that he’s gonna get gas prices that low. They were at a record high this Labor Day weekend, oil is heading north again and Axios is reporting that this idiotic war has already cost Americans $100 billion in energy prices. We’d love to tell you this is a disaster for Republicans — and it is — but it’s a disaster for all of us.

More: NBC News, Axios

Putin’s Little Bitch

It was just a few days ago that unelected assholes Jared Kushner and Steve Witkoff were in Moscow kissing Putin’s ass. Then they went to Kyiv. And right after they left, Putin unleashed hell on our poor Ukrainian friends. It’s almost like Putin doesn’t want peace and doesn’t respect Trump or his puppets. We do wonder if Trump is ever going to get any tough questions about this shit, but we’ve pretty much given up hope on that front.

More: bsky.app

Today’s clips

U.S. President Donald Trump has threatened to ban the sale of aircraft from Canada’s Bombardier unless it manufactures planes in the United States.

In response, the maker of private jets noted that many components for its planes, including the wings, are produced in the U.S. and its supply chain relies heavily on U.S. companies. More: AP

VENICE, Italy (AP) — A new documentary about Elon Musk uses an Artificial Intelligence avatar to simulate an interview with the SpaceX and Tesla CEO using things he’s really said in interviews. The choice, filmmaker Alex Gibney said Tuesday in Venice before the film’s world premiere, was intentionally ironic. More: AP

JERUSALEM (AP) — Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was directly warned by the president of the United Arab Emirates that Hamas was planning a major offensive just days before the militant group attacked on Oct. 7, 2023, according to an Israeli newspaper report. More: AP

LONDON (AP) — The U.K. government said Tuesday that it’s banning trade with Israeli settlements in the occupied West Bank, where it says “settler terrorists” are carrying out “ethnic cleansing” of Palestinians. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — Republicans appeared to have a firm grip on the Senate heading into the final two years of President Donald Trump’s term. But with less than two months until Election Day, control of the chamber is now up for grabs. More: AP

Jared Kushner on Sunday was asked directly why his lacking track record should inspire “any confidence” in his abilities to negotiate an end to Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, prompting the U.S. special envoy and son-in-law of President Donald Trump to get defensive. More: HuffPost

Oye, President Donald Trump. Sen. Ben Ray Luján (D-N.M.) has a word for you now that you’re proposing to rename New Mexico as New America.

“It’s New Mexico, always has been and always will be,” Luján wrote in a recent X post. “Just like how you’ll always be a sinvergüenza and corrupt.” More: HuffPost