The Catering Cart Coward

It’s Tuesday. There are 84 days until the midterm elections. Trump is gonna kill kids, Iran owns the Strait now and the president loves his abusers.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it ain’t never hid in no catering cart.

Note: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Sexy Patriots! We can’t stop laughing! It’s not funny, but it is hilarious. And we can say that because we’re not members of the White House press corps who were used as a decoy for Iranian missiles…

LOLOL!!! The best part? The chickenshit-in-chief hid in a fucking catering cart when he switched planes. HE HID IN A FUCKING CATERING CART!!! We knew the president was shitting his pants a lot these days, and we just assumed it was age related. It turns out that he’s terrified of getting shot down. So terrified that he’s HIDING IN CATERING CARTS. How long until they start dressing him up like a bush? Why not just give him the Groucho glasses?

The main takeaway here isn’t the hilarious part about Trump being a wuss who HID IN A CATERING CART. No, the real story here is that Trump lied to the press and was happily ready to sacrifice them and some staffers by using them as decoys. And those pathetic fucks still threw him a correspondents dinner. So to quote Glengarry Glen Ross, “get mad, you sons of bitches! Get mad!” Trump used you as human shields. The least you can do is finally ask him about E. Jean Carroll. Y’all have a blessed day. And watch out for the catering cart. You never know who’s hiding beneath.

Note two: Let’s start with a fun one today. Here’s the AP laying out how Trump crapped all over Zelensky and then Zelensky returned the favor by bringing hell to Trump’s Russian friends. Who has the cards now, bitch? More: AP

Note three: You’re not gonna believe this, but Lauren Boebert’s family is a fucking mess. And they seemed so normal. More: ABC News

Note four: It’s an Election Day! We are almost done with primaries (thanks to the readers yesterday who let us know we were jumping the gun). If people are voting near you, please join them and don’t vote for any assholes. More: AP

Note five: What’s that old expression? You’re not paranoid if you’re a piece of shit who the whole fucking world hates.

Note six: We don’t really know what Wisconsin Democrats are doing, but we trust them and we have their backs. More: HuffPost

Note seven: We’re also don’t really get what went down in Montana, but it would sure be nice if everyone was concerned about stopping fascism as the Sexy Patriots are. More: HuffPost

Note eight: You weren’t imagining it. July was the hottest month we’ve ever had. Probably because we’re in hell. More: NBC News

Note nine: Yesterday, the president of the United States referred to our candidates as “jihadists.” We’re almost afraid to ask how many of our fellow Democrats agree with him. Maybe we should all join together and push back against this disgusting bigotry. More: New York Times

Note 10: They are rationing water in Puerto Rico. How in the world can we treat our fellow Americans this way and still call ourselves the good guys? At least Trump isn’t throwing paper towels at them.

Note 11: AOC shared with the world that she is freezing her eggs. So of course a bunch of gross dudes who have never seen a woman naked had some thoughts. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Just a reminder that Rep. Chuck Edwards was found to have sexually harassed many of his staffers, and he is still in office. Republicans, man. More: NBC News

Note 13: The scummiest people on earth are in charge right now. We really need to do something about it in November. Impeach Emil!

Note 14: We are HUGE fans of Ms. Rachel, and we’d like to congratulate her on her new album. We hope that being a good person with a good heart equals lots and lots of success. More: AP

Note 15: Jackie the bald eagle died. Please keep RFK Jr. away from the corpse. More: HuffPost

Note 16: Brad Pitt says he’s off the wagon. We don’t know Brad, but this seems like a bad idea. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Just a reminder that Donald Trump is an historically unpopular president. He has a worse approval rating than super gonorrhea.

Note 18: We hate to say this, but we kinda need to take the MyPillow dumbfuck seriously. Don’t blame us. Blame 2026. More: MS Now

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re sorry to be a broken record on this, but we just can’t get enough of this story. How fucking furious do we think dumbshit is over this?

Note 20: And on that accurate and hilarious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope your week is off to a good start and you haven’t had to hide in any catering carts because the whole world hates your fucking guts. Love y’all!

Sleepy Psycho Killer

Donald Trump proved yesterday that he can do lots of damage even in his sleep. While Trump dozed on and off in the Oval yesterday, non-doctors RFK Jr. and Stephen Miller announced a new executive order that would space out vaccines for kids and eliminate flu and covid shots for them. It was all based on nonsense, horseshit and lies, and you should ignore all of it. Vaccines save lives. Trump kills. Any questions?

More: The Hill

The Strait of Trump’s Shame

Every day, Trump tells the press that the Strait of Hormuz is open and the United States controls it. Neither of those things are true. The Wall Street Journal reports today that the Gulf States now just accept that Iran is in charge of the strait, something that wasn’t true before Trump’s stupid war. What’s more, Trump has been told by his military advisors that a military effort to take the strait would be a disastrous quagmire with no guarantee of success. So yeah, it’s all going great. Nice work, Mr. President.

More: CNBC

Trump Hearts Abusers

Politico is reporting that the White House has told Republicans to back off alleged woman beater Max Miller. Apparently, Trump personally intervened to help his old staffer and fellow abuser. Officials told Ohio and D.C. Republicans to shut up about the abuse and let the voters sort it out. Well, we agree with the last part. Please remember to help Democrat Brian Poindexter any possible way you can. Because this shit is fucking sick and we need to put a stop to it.

More: Politico

Today’s clips

Arizona’s Democratic Gov. Katie Hobbs has chosen a former Republican as her running mate for her re-election bid this November. More: NBC News

Yemeni authorities say four people were killed by Iran-backed Houthi rebels attacking a vessel in the Bab el-Mandeb strait. More: AP

PENTICTON, British Columbia (AP) — About 100 firefighters from Mexico were expected to arrive Tuesday to help battle a deadly wildfire that has forced 20,000 people to flee and destroyed homes and other properties near Okanagan Lake in Western Canada, officials said. More: AP

NEW YORK (AP) — The president’s media company has tried its hand at a half-dozen new lines of business to lift its stock, but nothing has worked. More: AP

COLUMBIA, S.C. (AP) — Just two months after nominating Lindsey Graham to return to the U.S. Senate, South Carolina Republicans are casting ballots Tuesday in a special primary to pick a replacement following the sudden death of the president’s close ally. More: AP

CALI, Colombia (AP) — A powerful 7.4 magnitude earthquake struck western Colombiaon Monday, killing at least 111 people, damaging hundreds of buildings and leaving many trapped under debris while their loved ones and rescue workers searched through rubble. More: AP

President Donald Trump last month secretly swapped planes in Turkey due to a security threat, according to reports. Unbeknownst to anyone at the time, the entire switch may have been caught on camera. More: HuffPost