Texas Toast

It’s Wednesday. There are 160 days until the midterm elections. A horrifying discovery about ICE detainees, a big win in South Carolina and it’s time for another creepy cabinet kiss-ass-a-thon.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it ain’t John Cornyn’s loser ass.

Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, we’ve been together for a long time now. For the last seven-plus years, we’ve been doing this newsletter, cussing Trump and Trumpism and occasionally fighting like an old married couple. At this point we are beyond friends. We’re like an old married couple. And that’s why Sam saw the results of last night’s Texas Republican primary and then felt comfortable busting Adam’s chops over this…

Oh-no. That’s a tattoo Adam got in honor of his son, who is named Paxton. That poor kid!!! It ain’t gonna be easy sharing a name with a Texas dirtbag criminal who also might become a U.S. Senator. Thank goodness the boy ain’t named Lindsey Graham Mike Johnson Parkhomenko (but Adam still inexplicably has that tattooed on his thigh). But Gross Paxton (as we will be referring to the Texas guy from now on) is a true menace to the United States. He’s a criminal, a cheater and someone who really loves pedophiles, including but not limited to Donald Trump. So there are plenty of reasons we need to elect James Talarico and defeat Ken “the Gross” Paxton.

But now we have a new one. We can’t let Adam’s kid grow up being bullied for having the same name as this despicable chode. We don’t want to be hitting y’all up for help with therapy bills. So we’re begging you, Texas. Don’t vote for the guy who puts pedophiles on the streets, cheated on his wife and took a shitload of bribes. We’d ask you to do it for America, but we doubt that means much to you. So do it for this adorable kid who has the misfortune of sharing a name with a scumbag. And let’s all be glad Adam’s son doesn’t have the same name as John Cornyn. Because “Loser Ass Bitch Boy” would sure be a rough name to live with. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: You know what we need? Some motherfuckin’ therapy! We had to miss last week because of Sam’s travels, so how about today at 3:15 p.m. ET/12:15 p.m. PT? Great! We’ll see you then! You can find us here on Substack or here on YouTube then!

Note three: Imagine being such a huge fucking asshole that Texas Republicans would vote for Ken Paxton but not you. Anyway, let’s all enjoy Chip Roy’s failure last night. Because that dude sucks. At least now he’ll have more time to spend eating shit. More: Politico

Note four: A three-judge panel, including two Trump judges, said that the Alabama congressional maps that SCOTUS approved are racist as hell. So we’re all eagerly waiting to see how SCOTUS rams them through anyway because they too are racist as hell. More: NBC News

Note five: Ken Paxton vs. this guy and it’s actually gonna be close. And Republicans still think they’re the good guys. Idiots.

Note six: Remember over the holiday weekend when all those gullible dumbshit reporters were once again reporting that Trump had a deal on Iran? Well you’ll never guess what happened next. More: NBC News

Note seven: Here are the celebs who have been invited to Trump’s despicable UFC fight at the White House. If Sandler goes, we will be crushed. And Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson can go fuck himself. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Trump says his physical yesterday went great. We don’t believe him. But only because he looks like a jack-o-lantern that was left out until Arbor Day. More: USA Today

Note nine: We will of course support the nominee, but we are damn sorry to see Rep. Al Green go down after he confronted Trump earlier this year. More: HuffPost

Note 10: WARNING! THIS VIDEO WILL WEIRD YOU OUT! But the weirdest part is that you’ll end up wishing it was the snakes who are in charge of our national health policies. And you’re left to wonder if he ate them or fucked them or both.

Note 11: Thank you to the Texas Democrats who saw through the GOP’s dirty tricks and nominated a real candidate instead of an antisemite. More: HuffPost

Note 12: California! Y’all are the next big primaries everyone will be watching. Now y’all know we stay out of primaries, but if it helps, we will share that Sam voted for Becerra and Bass. We don’t care who you pick as long as it ain’t a Republican or whatever the fuck Spencer Pratt is.

Note 13: CNN sucks, but this is pretty good. And pretty goddamn brutal.

Note 14: Trump is talking about going to a New York Knicks game in the finals and honestly we’ve never wanted anything more. Go get booed for two-and-a-half hours, you miserable piece of shit. More: Yahoo Sports

Note 15: We freaking adore Tom Hanks. And when he talks about America, we listen. Also it’s been forever since we saw Bachelor Party. You think it still holds up? More: HuffPost

Note 16: We forgot Tony Blair existed. Nice of him to remind us that he is a giant piece of hog shit. More: The Guardian

Note 17: When you put someone named Markwayn in a position of authority, you are just asking for dumb and awful shit to happen.

Note 18: Another person who was shitcanned for commenting on Charlie Kirk just got paid. We love seeing this happen. Maybe universities and big corporations should stop being such wusses. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to Fox News. Yes, seriously. But only because we want you to see this badass resistor cuss out the Fox reporter. We love you, Jersey!

Note 20: And on that satisfying note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having an amazing week so far and that your kids don’t share a name with horrible shit-eating scumbags. Love y’all!

Shame on U.S.

While Trump turns the White House into a UFC ring and continues to lose his war in Iraq, it can be easy for Americans to forget that he is running concentration camps in this country. So we are grateful to the Associated Press for taking a deep look into the increase of suicides by ICE detainees. This is why Markwayne and Trump won’t let Democrats inside these facilities. Because they are so horrible that people who came here believing in America are killing themselves. It feels like we are at the beginning stages of finding out just how depraved and fucked up the Trump administration really is. And we already know a lot.

More: HuffPost, AP

Yay Cocks!

Sorry, we couldn’t resist. The University of South Carolina’s mascot is the Gamecocks and everyone calls them the Cocks and we are very immature. But what’s not immature is the way South Carolina Republicans shockingly defied Trump yesterday and didn’t pass legislation to draw new congressional maps that would have gotten rid of Jim Clyburn’s seat. We’ll be honest and tell you we didn’t see this one coming. Let’s hope it sticks because y’all know how these guys turn to oatmeal when Trump starts threatening them.

More: NBC News

Pucker up!

Trump and his gang of butt-smoochers were supposed to be going to Camp David today for a Cabinet meeting. Instead, they will have it at the White House. We sure love these because there’s nothing like watching a bunch of Epstein dudes sit around kissing Trump’s big orange ass and telling us all how great everything is. We’re curious how many people in that room have filled up their gas tanks lately. Because you fucking know Trump never has.

More: CNBC

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON (AP) — U.S. military contractors need at least three years to replenish stockpiles of three key weapons systems used heavily in the Iran war, according to an analysis released Wednesday, adding to concerns that American forces would have limited firepower in any future conflict with China. More: AP

LOS ANGELES (AP) — Win or lose, billionaire Democrat Tom Steyer will leave a mark in the history books in his bid to become California’s next governor — he’s running the most expensive political advertising campaign in the country this year. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — Joe Biden sued the Justice Department on Tuesday in an effort to block the release of audio recordings and transcripts of the former president’s interview with a ghostwriter that were obtained by the special counsel who investigated his handling of classified documents. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — A Justice Department indictment against the Southern Poverty Law Center is part of a “top-down” campaign of retribution against President Donald Trump’s perceived political enemies and constitutes a vindictive prosecution that must be dismissed, lawyers for the nonprofit argued Tuesday in urging a judge to toss the case out. More: AP

The head of one of the country’s largest teachers unions called for limits on technology in schools in a speech Wednesday, including blocking most students from using computers in class until they reach third grade, prohibiting student-facing AI in elementary schools and banning “social companion” chatbots until age 16. More: NBC News

Most voters don’t know who their city attorney is — or even what that person does. It is “one of the most important, but often least understood, positions in the city,” according to LA City Attorney candidate Marissa Roy. More: HuffPost