Ted Ass-o

It’s Tuesday. There are 119 days until the midterm elections. Funny in France, Trump heads to Turkey and the mess in Maine.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Especially when the president of the United States embarrasses the shit out of us.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, it’s like the old saying goes — deal with a shithead, get a shitshow. What? Don’t worry about where it came from. It’s Welsh or something. But that doesn’t make it any less true. We were all laughing and smiling, minding our own business and enjoying the best U.S. men’s World Cup run in years. And then Trump went and fucked it all up.

Oof. Well that sure is embarrassing. Yeah, after cankles butted in and embarrassed us on the world stage, the team went out and did the same, getting their asses thoroughly whooped by Belgium. We are damn disappointed, so we thought we’d put our feelings into words. With a letter to Donald J. Trump…

*Hey dumbfuck,*

*Great job on the World Cup. We’d tell you that you could fuck up a wet dream, but we’re guessing you already have. Why do you have to get your gross, corrupt stank all over everything? Can’t you ever just take a break from being the fucking worst? This shit was so much fun and then you got involved and it went straight to hell. We could have at least lost with honor and dignity, but nooooooo. Honor and dignity are like fucking deoderant to you. Goddamnit. We hate you. We truly fucking hate you. If hate was like grains of sand, we would be all the beaches and desserts in the world combined and then we would go find sand planets to add to it. That said, can we interest you in rooting for the Duke Blue Devils? We hear they’re big fans of yours.*

*Sincerely,*
*Go Fuck Yourself*

Don’t worry. We know the address. It sure is a bummer to have an evil magician turning good things into trash. If he pulled a rabbit out of his hat, it would eat your face off and shit on the floor. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We were planning to do some therapy today, but something big came up. HAPPY 17TH BIRTHDAY TO THE AMAZING AND SPEEDY CAMERON PARKHOMENKO!

Note three: A man who fought with us in Afghanistan died in ICE custody. Our advice to the rest of the world is to never trust or help us again because we will absolutely fuck you over. More: NBC News

Note four: Hey just a little reminder that the Strait of Hormuz is still a mess because Trump fucked it up and then got bored. More: CNN

Note five: The Hill got a little ahead of itself yesterday. Or they nailed it and the rest of us just don’t know it yet…

Note six: It is kind of hilarious how many people have reached out to Kentuckian Sam to ask if Mitch is dead or not. We’re not sure, but he has certainly looked dead for a while now. More: The Hill

Note seven: The pipe bomb guy doesn’t get to be included in Trump’s Jan. 6 pardons. We wonder who’s more disappointed — pipe bomb guy or Trump. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Trump fucked up Obamacare, so fewer Americans have healthcare now. That seems like a big story to us. More: AP

Note nine: Trump used his Truth Social account to attack a bunch of Muslim children yesterday. We suppose it’s a win that he didn’t destroy them and their school with missiles. More: People

Note 10: When Trump wasn’t tainting this World Cup, other racist fuckhead politicians were. Good on Kylian for pushing back…

Note 11: We knew the U.S. men’s team was gonna lose the second we saw Ted Cruz was involved. Cruz and Trump together represent a jinx that is unstoppable. More: HuffPost

Note 12: John Fetterman went on Fox News last night to take a victory lap over Platner. We sure hope Uncle Fester is enjoying his time on his high horse and in the Senate. We doubt either will last much longer.

NO LINK BECAUSE FUCK HIM

Note 13: You’re not gonna believe this but Tommy Tuberville is a piece of shit who lied about helping veterans. Ok fine so you will believe it. More: AOL

Note 14: There is new polling about U.S. support for Israel, and all we can say is that Bibi really, really fucked up. More: AP

Note 15: Not to beat an orange horse, but here’s Belgium doing the goddamn Trump dance after running up the score on us…

Note 16: Did y’all know that John Oliver has been acting on General Hospital? And apparently he’s doing a pretty good job. Good for him. More: IMDB

Note 17: Trump is once again asking the Supreme Court to bail him out on the E. Jean Caroll payout. Why doesn’t the White House press corps give a shit about this story? More: Seattle Times

Note 18: The Wisconsin Supreme Court told an election denier to fuck all the way off. Thank goodness we took that court back. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to the Odyssey. Elon Musk and the rest of the racist scum have been furious that a Black woman was cast as Helen of Troy. But we dare any of those racist shitheads to take one look at this picture and tell us you wouldn’t launch a thousand ships for her…

Note 20: And on that breathtaking note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a good week, but we know if you were that Trump would fuck it up because that’s what he does. What an asshole. Love y’all!

French Kiss

So this normally wouldn’t be big enough news to go in the news section, but we think it’s hilarious and we’re a little envious. In France, Marine Le Pen, the far right nutjob, is still a convicted criminal, but now she will be allowed to run for president. As long as she wears an ankle monitor. LOL. Why the hell didn’t we think of this? Is it because we don’t actually want to know where Trump goes? And why is every other country in the world better at accountability than us? Oh well. Fuck Le Pen.

More: NBC News

Turkey Trot

Fresh off embarrassing the U.S. at home, Trump flew to Turkey for the NATO summit so he can further embarrass us on the world stage. Already this morning we’ve seen his dumb ass talking about needing Greenland, not needing NATO and how much he loves Erdogan. The president is a stupid, stupid man. But hey, at least he’s out of the country. So breathe deep!

More: NBC News

The Maine Mess

This has been one of the ugliest stories we can remember. When we turned out back on Graham Platner after accusations of domestic violence, we were stunned by how many angry comments we got. The only thing we can figure is that our people are sick and tired of watching rules only apply to one party. We get that. But we have to remember that we are supposed to be better than the scum we’re up against. So when a dude has a nazi tattoo and goes online to make jokes about rape and race, we should never dismiss that. We want to thank Jenny Racicot for her bravery in coming forward. And we want to tell Graham Platner to get his ass out of this race before the July 13 deadline. Winning is important. But let’s not lose our souls in the process.

More: Politico, MS Now

Today’s clips

Belgian Defense Minister Theo Francken on Tuesday warned President Donald Trump to stop his attacks on Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni, reminding the MAGA leader that he isn’t the boss in Europe, where Meloni is “the alpha.” More: HuffPost

An upstate New York resident sued U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement for sending federal officers to his house with a warning over an email he sent to the agency’s one-time head. More: HuffPost

Explosions rocked Damascus on Tuesday as France’s president met with his Syrian counterpart in a landmark visit, wounding at least 18 people, Syria’s Interior Ministry said. More: NBC News

LONDON (AP) — Reform UK leader Nigel Farage says he’ll quit as a lawmaker and seek re-election to clear his name over financial allegations. More: AP