Survivors’ Day

It’s Wednesday. There are 426 days until the midterm elections. The president is alive-ish, Chicago prepares for invasion and Epstein’s survivors speak.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. We finally got it to stop biting its nails though.

Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, it can be hard to write a hilarious, smart and downright sexy newsletter during such serious and unsettling times. Today, for example, there is some very sobering shit going down and there’s nothing funny about it. That’s why we’re starting today’s newsletter by making fun of “Judge” Jeanine Pirro. LOL. What a fucking loser…

HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Ouch!!! That’s gotta hurt! Is this like sports where scoring zero is bad? More like Jeanine Zero, right? Or PirrO-for-Six! We know this is gonna sound controversial, but it’s probably stupid and crazy to hire loud idiots for important jobs just because they kiss your wrinkled orange ass on a dumbshit cable news show. But that’s just us. If we let these dumb motherfuckers run this newsletter, y’all would all be staring at a burning laptop.

That said, we continue to be thrilled that Trump hires complete shit-for-brains morons like Judge Zero. We’re up against some cruel and dangerous people, so we have to be grateful that they’re also dumber than dog shit and twice as smelly. And to the grand juries of D.C. — keep up the great work, you gorgeous heroes. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: The most powerful military in the history of the world is now taking out fishing boats. This leads us to conclude that the Epstein files must be on a fishing boat. Kidding aside, this is pretty fucked up. More: HuffPost

Note three: House Republicans continued their part in the Epstein cover-up yesterday by claiming to release the files they got from DOJ. Unfortunately for them, nobody is stupid enough to fall for this shit. More: Medaite

Note four: Btw, we’re just a simple newsletter, but it seems like a pretty FUCKING MASSIVE SCANDAL that the White House is openly threatening lawmakers to keep the Epstein files covered up. Seriously, y’all, what the hell is in those files?! More: The Hill

Note five: Don’t worry, everybody. The president is fine. He did truths. Like a big boy.

Note six: The president is either really mad that India, China and Russia met without him, or he’s actually worried they’re teaming up against the U.S. It’s impossible to tell because he’s a fucking moron. More: HuffPost

Note seven: The guy who’s worried about antisemitism wants to rewrite history at the Holocaust Museum. Yeah, even for Trump this is pretty fucked up. More: ABC News

Note eight: Anybody give a damn about Trump’s Space Command distraction yesterday? Yeah, us neither. More: CNN

Note nine: It has been, um, concerning to watch Trump freak the eff out after a court said his tariffs are illegal. Yeah, maybe that dumb shit was a bad idea. More: CNN

Note 10: This one actually made us LOL. You know that video of White House staff throwing Trump’s soiled sheets out of the window? Trump says it was made by AI. Sure, buddy.

Note 11: RFK Jr. doesn’t care that he got the CDC shot up and a cop killed. He’s a deranged psycho who wants to kill lots of people. He even thinks he did a good job with measles. More: HuffPost

Note 12: You know how Trump has been kidnapping people and calling them gang members? Well even the Fifth Circuit says that’s fucked up. More: NBC News

Note 13: Laura Loomer is now deciding if Democratic senators get to take meetings with national security officials. Remember when she got banned from Uber? More: Mediaite

Note 14: A huge American mystery has been solved as REM’s Michael Stipe has finally clued us in on the lyrics to “It’s the End of the World As We Know It.” And just in time. More: HuffPost

Note 15: We tip our hats to the Onion on this one. People forget that Rudy had sex with his cousin.

Note 16: “We’re gonna detain the mouse.” Remember when cops arrested Chuck E. Cheese? Well the body cam footage is out and it is absolutely fucking bonkers. More: Mediaite

Note 17: Kim Jong Un’s daughter and successor made a rare experience. We’ve now seen her more than Tiffany. More: NBC News

Note 18: Republicans are in trouble, and they know it. That’s why Sen. Joni Ernst isn’t running for reelection. If they’re pissing themselves in Iowa, then they’re pissing themselves everywhere. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, let’s continue on the theme of Democrats making Republicans nervous. Last night in Florida, we saw two Democrats score big time wins by big time margins. Be afraid, GOP. Be very afraid.

Note 20: And on that encouraging note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week, or at least a better week than Jeanne Zero. What a loser. Love y’all!

Proof of (a shitty) life
Well, our hopes were dashed yesterday as President Trump showed up at the White House alive and, well, alive. His hands are still all fucked up and he’s still crazier than a shithouse rat, but he does not appear to be dead. He did seem quite confused by the suggestion or maybe he’s just realizing how many millions and millions of Americans hate his miserable guts. He’s clearly still hiding something, and we can only hope that he’ll change his name to Joe Biden so people like Jake Tapper will start to give a shit. More: CNN, NY Times

Love to Chicago
To hear Gov. JB Pritzker these last few days is to hear a man in pain. Donald Trump is about to invade his state, and he’s doing everything he can to stop it. While the president has constantly lied about and threatened the great city of Chicago, Pritzker has all but begged the national news media to stop treating this shit like a joke and start taking it seriously. They have declined. With Epstein back in the news, we assume Trump is going to do some evil shit to try and distract us all. We can only hope Chi-town ain’t part of that distraction.

Survivors’ Day
Mike Little Johnson and Trump thought they could get America to forget about Trump’s relationships with Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell by going on vacation. They were wrong. Thanks to Reps. Thomas Massie and Ro Khanna, the world will hear from dozens of Epstein’s victims today. They want to know why Trump is coddling Maxwell. They want guarantees that he won’t pardon her. They want their stories told, and they want accountability for the rich and powerful people who abused them or knew about it and said nothing. Republicans were clearly shaken after meeting with some of the survivors yesterday, and we’re not sure what to expect at the press conference this morning. All we know is that these women deserve justice, and the people trying to stop them deserve hell. More: NBC News, CSPAN

Today’s clips
Former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani returned to his show in a harness on Tuesday after being released from the hospital following a severe car crash. More: Mediaite

With political tensions running high, the vast majority of congressional lawmakers steered clear of town halls this summer. The handful who entered the lion’s den were met with boos, jeers and tense confrontations. More: NBC News

Thanks to President Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin keeps getting away with murder. More: HuffPost

Russian President Vladimir Putin and Chinese President Xi Jinping were apparently heard on a hot mic discussing the use of organ transplants to either live to 150 years old — or even forever. More: Mediaite

Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.) on Tuesday said a gay leader at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) who resigned last week in protest of Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. had “no business being in government” due to the “lifestyle” he led. More: The Hill