Stepping in Schmitt

It’s Wednesday. There are 34 days until the midterm elections. Even Paxton hates Trump, the senator from Missouri makes an ass of himself and Trump tells Big Tech to run wild.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it has also never been to an Atlanta Hawks game.

Note: Sexy Patriots! The election is so close we can almost taste it. And it tastes like victory. And burnt toast for some reason. We know y’all are doing all the hard work that needs to be done to activate your fellow Americans and deliver some much-needed comeuppance and accountability to President Fuckhead. But there’s one American in particular we want to single out for his efforts to help Democrats. He’s one of our best surrogates, and we’re lucky to have him.

Give it up for couchfuck…

Oopsie. Good one, sofa screwer. Is there anything he can’t fuck up? Have you ever seen a person with less charm? He’s a black hole of personality. When his kids stop talking to him, everyone will know why. Because everyone else will have stopped talking to him too. Couchfuck’s latest strategy to appear like a normal human boy is to use more profanity. We get it. We did the same thing. But we’re not weird losers who put our wieners in furniture. Well Adam isn’t anyway.

The more JD opens his mouth, the more we want him to keep showing up for Republican candidates. Because the bottom line is JD can cuss all he wants, but he’s still gonna be a weird, awkward, ass-kissing, couch-fucking bitch weasel who can eat shit, go to hell and fuck all the way off. Now that’s how you cuss, JD. You shit-stained fucknut. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Congrats again to E. Jean Carroll, who successfully faced off with Trump until he surrendered like the gutless, rapacious and rapey scum that he is. Maybe now the White House press will finally ask about this. We’re just kidding. They would never do their jobs. More: The Guardian

Note three: We don’t pray often, but we are praying that Mark Carney wins the Nobel Peace Prize. Because, man, that just might be enough to push the old orange fuck right over the edge and into heart attack land. More: AP

Note four: We were kinda interested in Aaron Sorkin’s new movie about Zuckerberg because that guy is a fucking creep who needs to be brought down several pegs. But then we learned Sorkin left Trump’s name out of the Jan. 6 parts and we don’t have any interest in watching some cowardly bullshit. Grow some balls, Aaron! More: Politico

Note five: The White House’s AI shit is off to a great start. The good news is it will probably be way too stupid to murder us all. At least on purpose.

Note six: Speaking of stupid AI, Trump’s chat bot was telling the truth about the 2020 election yesterday. Now it’s not anymore. This is one of many reasons AI can get fucked. NO LINK YET

Note seven: Trump’s attempted bribe of the day is for the people of Alaska. We’re sure they will accept these magic beans instead of affordable gas. More: AP

Note eight: Some more weird and horrifying shit happened in the Middle East while we were sleeping. Thank goodness the peace president brought so much calm to the region. More: HuffPost

Note nine: James Talarico challenged Ken Paxton to a debate on Fox News. Both Paxton and Fox News went into hiding as a result. Our boy James has got them pissing their panties. More: HuffPost

Note 10: If this guy is an antisemite, he really sucks at it. Thanks to the mayor for continuing to be a great mayor for ALL New Yorkers.

Note 11: Kristi Noem filed for divorce. We were shocked to hear it. If those two kids can’t make it, who can? More: Dakota News Now

Note 12: We have no idea what’s going on with Jasmine Crockett, but it sure is a bummer. Though at this point, we think her endorsement might hurt more than help. We don’t need our candidates trying to defend Chris Brown. More: San Francisco Chronicle

Note 13: Trump is now standing like Ed Grimley. But we bet he can’t play the triangle.

Note 14: The ads running in California say that the billionaire tax is opposed by Newsom, Becerra and Republican Steve Hilton. So we are definitely in favor of it. More: NBC News

Note 15: CNN is reporting that New York AG Letitia James will investigate the horrifying shit at Cornell. We’re damn glad to see so many eyeballs on this, but man why the fuck did it take so long? More: HuffPost

Note 16: John Fetterman and his Republican friends are blocking a measure that would require the State Department to investigate the deaths of nine Americans in the West Bank. So much for America First. More: The Intercept

Note 17: No, New York Mag, we will not be wearing socks on socks. We were born leg-warmer men and we will die leg-warmer men.

Note 18: There are now 900 measles cases in Pennsylvania. We can’t believe the mentally ill guy who works out in jeans and desecrates animal corpses managed to fuck this up so badly. Ok yeah we can. More: New York Times

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to one of the all-time greats — Mr. Stevie Wonder. This week was the 50th anniversary of the release of Songs in the Key of Life, a must-have album. To celebrate, Stevie dropped four new songs from that session. We are not worthy. More: The Guardian

Note 20: And on that beautiful note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week. And don’t worry — you sound way cooler cussing than JD does. You also don’t have sex with the furniture, so you’ve got that going for you. Love y’all!

Rat Flees Ship

This one is too funny. Ken Paxton, the worst Senate candidate and human being in history, is now blaming Trump and his idiotic convention for his shit poll numbers. According to secret audio obtained by the New York Times, Paxton told an attendee at a small fundraiser that Trump’s Texas convention “dropped our numbers.” Paxton was asked if Trump is a drag on the ticket, and he said “everybody’s numbers dropped” after the Dallas shitshow. We honestly don’t know what’s funnier — Trump’s convention being a disaster for his own party or Ken Paxton thinking that’s the reason people hate his gross ass.

More: The Hill

Oh Schmitt

By now you’ve seen the epic fuck-up by Missouri Sen. Eric Schmitt in the Senate yesterday. We’re putting it here because all the good jokes about it have already been used. But basically, Schmitt thought he had a real gotcha moment on Jack Smith and tried to go in for the kill. Schmitt was accusing Smith of meeting with Fani Willis in Atlanta because he thought Smith had gone to an Atlanta Hawks game. Except he hadn’t. And he wasn’t even in Georgia. And then Amy Klobuchar made him eat all the shit. It was such an embarrassment that people are dunking on the facial expressions of the other Republican senators in the room. So surely Schmitt was embarrassed and apologized, right? Nope. He’s acting like he did it all on purpose and was just asking questions. And if you believe that shit, then you are definitely a Republican.

More: The Independent, The Hill

Big Tech’s America

Trump had all the Big Tech losers to the White House yesterday where they kissed his ass and signed a pledge to be good when it comes to AI. People like Mark Zuckerberg, who just paid $18 billion to settle a lawsuit for addicting kids, and Elon Musk, whose chatbot called itself Adoph Hitler and who is fighting anti-nudification laws in Minnesota, are being told that they can regulate themselves when it comes to AI. Is this stupid? Yes. Will it result in lots of gross sex crimes and possibly the apocalypse? Yes. Is Trump too fucking dumb to understand any of this? Also yes. We know a lot of our people get weak in the knees when it comes to taking on Elon and his crew, but we’re gonna need an actual opposition party to take these fuckers on.

More: CNBC

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON (AP) — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is planning to announce further cuts to the number of generals and admirals serving in the military in an address set for Wednesday, the Pentagon confirmed. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — Former special counsel Jack Smith forcefully defended his prosecutions of President Donald Trump and his investigative tactics, pushing back against repeated Republican criticism in a congressional hearing Tuesday that featured a senator’s bungled attempt to accuse him of lying about a basketball game. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — The Department of Homeland Security has tapped $20 million to pay for the campaign-style ads glorifying President Donald Trump that have drawn widespread criticism from Republicans and Democrats as a blatant misuse of taxpayer dollars that likely runs afoul of anti-propaganda law. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — The Supreme Court on Tuesday let President Donald Trump’s administration continue swiftly deporting people to countries other than their own for now, while the justices consider whether the policy is legal. More: AP

OMAHA, Neb. — Marine Corps veteran Gunner Arellano is a Donald Trump man — he voted for the president three times — but, he said, he won’t be casting a ballot for Sen. Pete Ricketts, R-Neb., in November. More: NBC News

SAN JUAN, Puerto Rico — The U.S. Coast Guard said Tuesday it had rescued 49 people and was searching for 10 others after a boat carrying migrants recently capsized in open waters west of Puerto Rico. More: NBC News

One of Donald Trump’s controversial, taxpayer-funded ads has been given a brutal reworking by a veterans group.

VoteVets, a progressive political action committee representing veterans and military families, spoofed Trump’s “final battle” ad — a clone of a video he’s shared for years and one of three taxpayer-funded spots released ahead of the 2026 midterms that have drawn anger this week. More: HuffPost