Spying on [bleep]ing Greenland

It’s Wednesday. There are 545 days until the midterm elections. SCOTUS screws some troops, Justa Dummy (JD) makes the World Cup radioactive and spying on fucking Greenland.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it’s not fucking up the World Cup.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, it seems that war with Canada has been averted for now. Don’t worry. There are still plenty of ways for Trump to get us all killed, but this one seems to be on the backburner for now. We’re sure you’ve seen it, but new Canadian PM Mark Carney was at the White House yesterday meeting His Royal Dumbfuckness…

Sigh. This reminds us of our buddy Joe Biden. Remember how Biden used to talk about his “friend” Mitch McConnell and his “friends” in the GOP until you just wanted to shake him and scream THEY’RE NOT YOUR FUCKING FRIENDS, JOE!!!!!? And then we’d all calm down and remember that Biden was probably doing the smart thing that allowed him to pass important legislation. Well that seemed to be Carney yesterday. He was polite but firm. He did what he needed to do and we respect it. Sadly, he did not use the remarks we wrote for him. We did keep a copy though in case you’re curious…

Carney: Thank you for having me. Please give me a second as my eyes adjust to the shiny gross tackiness of this ridiculous decor. My word you must have a small weiner. Anyway, it’s good to be here so I can tell you to your face that Canada says to go fuck yourself, then eat some shit, then go fuck yourself some more and then burn in hell and then kiss our asses. We’d rather sink into the goddamn ocean eating Tim Horton’s made of moose shit than be your 51st fucking state. So again, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you and fuck you. And tell Melania that Justin says hi.

Ok so it’s probably best that he didn’t read our version. But we still think he should have. Anyway, love to our Canadian Sexy Patriots and thanks for putting up with our stupid shit. And his ugly office. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: The good news – Vance’s loser brother lost big time last night. The bad news – he still advances to a run-off in November. More: WCPO

Note three: Here are the Medicaid cuts that Republicans insist are a lie. Who’s ready to fight like hell? More: Prospect

Note four: Well this is deeply upsetting and really fucking stupid. Kari Lake is going to start using OAN material on Voice of America. So we’re about to start exporting idiotic conspiracy theories and nonstop orange ass-kissing. More: NPR

Note five: So not only are these freaks wrecking the economy and turning us into the Soviet Union, but they also won’t stop creeping us all the hell out with all this doll talk.

Note six: The Trump administration is planning to send migrants to Libya. So if you’re keeping score at home, we’re no longer allies with Europe but we are sending people to pro-slave countries. Aren’t you proud? More: The Independent

Note seven: Passed Out Pete Hegseth’s Navy dropped another $60 million jet in the ocean. They should probably stop doing that. More: NBC News

Note eight: JB Pritzker and his staff are killing. They had us straight up LOLing yesterday with this hit on Kristi Noem. More: NBC Chicago

Note nine: Some good news (we hope) as Jan. 6 and neo-nazi lover Ed Martin does not appear to have the votes to get out of the Senate Judiciary Committee. Martin is total scum and needs to be defeated. Let’s hope like hell Senate Republicans don’t go limp. More: The Hill

Note 10: We thought about it, and we don’t want the job. Popes aren’t supposed to cuss as much as we do.

Note 11: Passed Out Pete loves talking about “the warfighter.” Well it turns out the warfighters are making fun of him like everyone else. More: Military.com

Note 12: It sure is terrifying that India and Pakistan, two nuclear powers, are about to go to war and our national security team is busy playing beer pong somewhere on a Fox News set. More: The Guardian

Note 13: Some surprising news out of Florida that didn’t involve alligators, bath salts or a naked man in a public place. Republican Orlando Commissioner Tony Ortiz is now a Democrat. Welcome to the team! More: WFTV

Note 14: You’re not gonna believe this, but Tulsi Gabbard is an idiot/disaster. Ok so that’s really easy to believe. More: WIRED

Note 15: Sometimes the Onion feels a little too real…

Note 16: Sorry to everyone who likes apple juice. It’s not available in Trump’s America. More: WIRED

Note 17: Some deeply upsetting news as the brain worm butthead puts an anti-vaxxer in charge of covid vaccines. Get ready for some livestock medicine. More: Yahoo News

Note 18: Kids in Oklahoma are going to be forced to learn the lie that the 2020 election was rigged. So kids in Oklahoma are gonna be too dumb to hire. More: Heartland Signal

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we were gonna point and laugh at televangelist Jim Bakker who says he’s broke, but he always says that. So instead here’s a post about how many people have explored running for office since Trump was elected. We fucking love it when people get involved and fight back.

Note 20: And on that encouraging note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week, and we hope Canadians know we don’t all suck. Love y’all!

Fuck the troops
The Supreme Court is corrupt and broken but also led by bigots. That’s why they decided yesterday that Trump can go ahead with his ban on trans people serving in the military. Keep in mind that none of the justices served and Trump is a draft-dodging pussy who lied about having bone spurs. We’ve never really understood why people want to hate on people who are different so much, but it’s really goddamn gross to tell someone who’s courageous and selfless enough to fight for their country that their service is not wanted. More: NBC News

Goddamnit, JD
Yesterday while Pakistan and India were fighting, Trump was having another meeting about the World Cup that he’s about to fuck up. In addition to the deeply unsettling news that Trump has put Doodie Pooliani’s idiot kid in charge, we also had to sit and listen to Jackass Dong (JD) Vance explain to the world that they’re only kind of welcome here and they’ll have to deal with the dog-killing woman who is sending people to an El Salvadoran concentration camp if they overstay. Why the fuck would anyone want to come here?

This is embarrassing
So while we’re dropping F-18s in the sea, kissing Putin’s ass in Ukraine and watching the end of Gaza, Trump has our intelligence community focused on spying on fucking Greenland. It’s not new for the U.S. to spy on our allies, but this is pretty fucked up even for us. We feel so sorry for the Danes who were just minding their own business when we elected an idiot. It seems pretty obvious that by trying to identify and encourage pro-Trump Greenlanders that Team Orange is hoping to launch a coup in the country. It was bad enough when he did it here. More: The Independent

Today’s clips
Former President Joe Biden torched President Donald Trump’s foreign policy posture and accused his successor of indulging in “modern-day appeasement” toward Russia in his first sit-down interview since leaving the White House. More: Mediaite

The Trump administration has terminated a federal advisory committee that issued guidance about preventing the spread of infections in health care facilities. More: NBC News

President Donald Trump plans to announce while on his trip to Saudi Arabia next week that the U.S. will now refer to the Persian Gulf as the Arabian Gulf or the Gulf of Arabia, two U.S. officials told The Associated Press on Tuesday. More: HuffPost

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