SOTUgh

It’s Tuesday. There are 252 days until the midterm elections. More women tell Trump ‘no,’ DOJ covered up for Epstein’s best friend and four years of telling Russian warships to go eff themselves.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. You can bet it’ll use two shitloads of it tonight.

Note: Well this is gonna suck. Tonight, Sexy Patriots, President Shartshimself J. Cankles will deliver his State of Union. Spoiler alert — it will be crazy, it will be dumb and it will be all bullshit. In fact, you don’t even have to watch. We sure wouldn’t if we didn’t write this newsletter. Frankly, we’d rather watch JD Vance fuck a couch. Ok not really, but you get our point.

Since we know tonight will be one deranged lie after another from a man who will likely be crapping himself throughout the address, we thought we’d give it a go. So here now is the AltMedia Cussing State of the Union…

Our fellow Americans, shit is fucked up. Seriously. Like really, really fucked up. It’s a shit salad with crap croutons. We have masked secret police abducting and killing people in the fucking streets. We traded cancer research for measles. We traded experts for freaks and criminals. We traded leading the free world for joining an axis of assholes. And we traded our national dignity for a rapey fucking gameshow host who paints himself orange every fucking day. Remember when we had two wings at the White House?! Yeah, so do we! Fuck! So yeah, the state of the union ain’t so great. In fact, it’s a goddamn mess. We sharted our national pants and then played Twister for a year without changing them. It’s really only a matter of time before cankles nukes L.A. Still, there are flickers of hope. There are still people out there in the streets reminding us that this is a union worth fighting for. Even when it can’t stop pissing us off. There are still real patriots in this country. And they aren’t the ones kissing orange ass. So the state of our union is that it’s fucked. But we’re working on it.

Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: If you want to watch the super idiot do his incoherent weave, here’s a preview. His brains are mashed potatoes. And not the good kind of mashed potatoes.

Note three: There are some cops in Quakerstown, Pa. who need to go to jail. What is it about Republicans assaulting little girls? More: WHYY.org

Note four: Just a reminder heading into tonight’s speech that Donald Trump is the most unpopular president in modern history. If he didn’t have the beltway media, he’d have no one. More: CNN

Note five: More than 60 percent of Americans describe Trump as “erratic with age.” Sure. But he’s always been a fucking asshole. More: Reuters

Note six: We saw some New Yorkers complaining about the snow removal after the last blizzard. Guess the mayor heard y’all…

Note seven: You know how we’ve joked for years about how everything is so stupid we’re going to start hitting ourselves in the face with a hammer? Well the Hitler youth are beating us to it. Idiots. More: GQ.com

Note eight: Thank you to the Democrats who are bringing Epstein survivors to the SOTU tonight. Let the men’s hockey team be reminded of the evil they support. More: NBC News

Note nine: This is insane. Trump’s favorite general (he likes his nickname) is warning that a war against Iran will not be easy. Dude is so worried he’s leaking to WaPo. So Trump goes on Truth Social and says everything is fine and the general is actually totally on board. We sure feel better. Don’t you? More: HuffPost

Note 10: We sure as shit didn’t give this asshole a pass. Did y’all? Yeah, we didn’t think so.

Note 11: Jeanine Pirro has surrendered. She is no longer going after the six Democrats who warned the military not to follow illegal orders. Say a prayer for all the boxed wine in the beltway. More: NBC News

Note 12: Rep. Tony Gonzales is a creepy scumbag. So of course Mike Little Johnson is standing by him. More: CNN

Note 13: Well this seems pretty fucking bad. And really really obvious…

Note 14: Wanna feel old? Lewis from Revenge of the Nerds died. RIP. More: Associated Press

Note 15: Welp, that Epstein creep who Bari Weiss hired at CBS is stepping down. She didn’t fire him though because she hates cancel culture and really loves Epstein creeps. More: Hollywood Reporter

Note 16: We’d like to thank Grace Jones, the ghost of Prince and Guns N’ Roses (Sam’s favorite band) for telling Melania to go eat shit and then fuck off. More: HuffPost

Note 17: LOLOL! This makes the run-up to Iraq look brilliant. For those keeping score at home, we obliterated this program but still have to go to war to destroy it. They’re not even good liars.

Note 18: This is so heartbreaking. Savannah Guthrie is offering $1 million to help find her mom. Maybe if she offered it to Kash Patel he’d actually do his fucking job. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to NYC, where a massive snowball fight broke out and some cops got hit. The right is blaming Mamdani. Lighten up. It’s just winter fun.

Note 20: And on that delightful note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a good week so far. We also hope you find something else to watch tonight. Like paint drying. Love y’all!

Gold
The U.S. women’s hockey team will not be in attendance at tonight’s speech after Trump was busted telling the men’s team that he has to invite the women or he’ll be impeached. Yeah, just moments after the men’s team covered themselves in glory, they shit all over that glory by laughing along at Trump’s shitty sexist joke about our gold medal women’s team. So they said no thanks to going to the SOTU. But don’t worry. Men’s team hero Jack Huges and his mom want us to know that we’re all stupid and “everything is so political.” Yeah, it is, Jack. Maybe y’all should have thought about that before you laughed at your colleagues. It’s great that the men’s team was supportive through the tournament, but we saw their true colors in that locker room. What a fucking shame. More: Rolling Stone, HuffPost, NBC News

SCANDAL
NPR dropped a bombshell this morning. The station is reporting that DOJ withheld files that contained information about allegations that Trump sexually abused a minor. “More than 50 pages of FBI interviews, and notes from conversations with a woman who accused Trump of sexual abuse decades ago when she was a minor” are being withheld from the public. This is a massive cover-up in plain sight. They literally went through and removed the pages that dealt with Trump raping a 13-year-old. Where is the national fucking outrage? More: NPR

Four years
It has now been four years since Putin illegally invaded Ukraine. And Ukraine is still standing. While the United States has played both sides of this war, Ukraine has shown the world what it is made of, and that is rare stuff. Remember when it started and Biden officials wanted to help Zelensky evacuate. But he insisted on staying and fighting. And while they have lost so much, they still have their country. We are so proud to stand with the brave people of Ukraine. Even if our president isn’t. More: HuffPost, NBC News

Today’s clips
FedEx sued the Trump administration Monday, seeking a “full refund” of all tariffs it paid the government under the overturned International Emergency Economic Powers Act. More: NBC News

The European Parliament on Monday halted the ratification process of a sweeping trade deal with the United States, the latest fallout from the Supreme Court striking down most of President Donald Trump’s tariffs. More: NBC News

NEW YORK (AP) — Neighbors, government workers and a powerful railroad snow-clearing machine nicknamed “Darth Vader” scrambled to dig out much of the northeastern United States from a brutal and — in some areas — record-breaking storm that blanketed the region with snow and resulted in thousands of flight cancellations. More: HuffPost

A federal judge has found President Donald Trump’s administration in civil contempt for transferring a detainee to El Paso, Texas in direct violation of his order and dumping him without any of his belongings — even going so far as to order the government to reimburse the man for his plane ticket home. More:m Mediaite

LONDON (AP) — Police in Britain said Peter Mandelson, the former U.K. ambassador to the United States, has been released on bail after he was arrested in a misconduct probe stemming from his ties to the late Jeffrey Epstein. It came days after a friendship with Epstein landed the former Prince Andrew in police custody. More: HuffPost