Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it has never lost as many wars as Trump.
Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, we have always been proud Americans. Well, maybe not always. But we do consider ourselves patriots. And very, very sexy. But today, we are Canadian. Yeah, we are so fucking embarrassed and so fucking sorry that our dipshit president is treating our neighbors so horribly that we’re going honorary Canadian today. We hope they’ll have us. We promise we’re a better trade than Ted Cruz.
The thing we want our Canadian friends to know is that some of us are better than this idiot. We all think he’s an ass. No, literally. Look at this picture. He’s literally all ass…
Yowzer! See what we mean? He’s such an ass that he is becoming all ass. He’s had a butthole mouth for years, but now his gargantuan booty is taking over the rest of his gross body. Like the mystery bruises on his hands, his massive butt is spreading. Soon, he will be nothing but ass. Just two giant orange buttcheeks farting out idiotic screeds about renaming Lake Ontario and making everyone wanna hurl in the process. He’s already full of shit, so this is the obvious next step in his evolution.
We’re sorry the president is an ass, Canada. We love you, and we’re grateful to you for being such great neighbors. We are working on a national hemorrhoid cream that we call the midterms. We can’t get rid of this asshole, but maybe we can shrink him down. Y’all have a blessed day. Elbows up. More: Axios, AP
Note two: Believe it or not, we are still having elections ahead of the midterms. If people are voting near you, please join them and vote against any shitheads on the ballot. Thank you for your attention to this bladder. More: Bolts Mag
Note three: South Carolina Republicans will decide today if they want Dumbshit Darlene or Jan. 6 asshole Ralph Norman. The Palmetto State deserves better. We all do. More: AP
Note four: Lindsey Graham is still dead.
Note five: Michigan Democratic U.S. Senate candidate Abdul El-Sayed went on Fox News last night and ate Jesse Watters’ lunch. This took a lot of guts, and we thought he handled himself really well.
Note six: Abdul also put some distance between himself and Hasan Piker yesterday. We’re not the hugest Piker fans, but we really don’t get why his every word is dissected while the richest man in the world calls for a race war every goddamn day and nobody says a damn thing. It sure is a mystery why some people are held to different standards. More: NBC News
Note seven: We were thinking that Gary, Indiana would be a big scandal for Trump is the people who lived there were white. Then we remembered Katrina was a big scandal for Bush. So maybe the press are just more racist now than they were then. Or maybe they just gave up. More: NBC News
Note eight: The State Department wants to sell a painting by artist Kehinde Wiley because they say it’s “woke” and “aesthetically terrifying.” In other words, it features Black people. And Wiley painted President Obama’s official portrait, and we know how much Trump hates all things Black and Obama. More: New York Times
Note nine: A U.S. military plane has landed in Moscow, and nobody seems to know why. Our guess is that it’s either picking up a new Melania or some more pee tapes. More: NBC News
Note 10: The most charmless couch-fucker in the world went to Maine yesterday. He’s so toxic that Susan Collins was too concerned to be seen with him. But he went ahead and did some damage to her anyway. Thanks, JD!
Note 11: You might think Trump’s shitty approval numbers don’t matter. But they clearly matter to him, and we love that he’s feeling the pain. More: USA Today
Note 12: Two people in Pennsylvania have died from Measles. But have you seen the raccoon dick brainworm guy do push-ups in jeans? More: ABC News
Note 13: Speaking of fucked up Kennedys, the Kennedy Center was devasated after Trump put his name on the building. Are there any parts of D.C. left that Trump hasn’t completely fucked? More: Yahoo
Note 14: Instead of giving attention to the limp-dick losers who are fucking with the WNBA, we thought we’d instead celebrate Angel Reese setting league reboudning records. Sam looks at this and sighs because the L.A. Sparks totally could have drafted her. Congrats, Angel! More: AP
Note 15: We know y’all hate Pete Hegseth, but we’re gonna need you to step it up and hate him even more. He’s at war with our trans friends because he’s losing every other war. Fucking asshole.
Note 16: Well this makes the start of football season feel pretty gross. A new study out about CTE confirms the horrible truth we’ve known for a while. More: NBC News
Note 17: Two more children were killed in Gaza yesterday. Y’all, this is not ok and that shouldn’t be controversial to say. More: NBC News
Note 18: We have said this many times over the last several years, but we are damn glad to not be 49ers fans. More: NBC News
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to Hollywood. If you’ve been with us for a while, then you know how angry we were when the head of Warner Bros. killed the movie Coyote vs. Acme. It was already finished! And it features one of the nicest people you will ever meet in Will Forte. So here’s a clip of Will talking about the movie’s journey and asking people to go see it so we can send a message to the rich fuckheads who tried to kill it. More: Instagram
Note 20: And on that looney tunes note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. Unless you’re fucking with Canada, in which case we hope you poop broken glass. Love y’all!
Sorry, Everybody!
So we read your comments yesterday about our take on Hakeem meeting with Kushner. We hear you. And the truth is we had some internal debates about how to respond. Sam wanted to punch a hole in the wall. We get why everyone is furious at him, and frankly we were too. He also heard the anger and put out a video last night explaining himself. While we aren’t buying the bullshit that Kushner wants to talk about affordability (what the fuck would that spoiled rotten shit know about affordability?), we have backed Jeffries for a while. We know that pisses off a lot of people, so we figured we’d tell you why. First, he has kept the caucus together the last two years. That is not easy to do. Second, he would be the first Black Speaker of the House in American history, and that is something we would like to see. And third, Speaker Pelosi thinks he’s good at this stuff, and her opinion on this means a lot to us. Still, Hakeem fucked up and we’re glad he seems to know it. He needs to build trust with his own party, and we really hope he understands that.
More: The Hill
Scary SCOTUS
Yesterday afternoon, Trump’s Supreme Court made a surprise move on mail-in voting that scared the living shit out of us. The court removed an injunction against Trump’s executive order that would essentially gut the voting method and let a corrupt Postal Service decide who gets a ballot. This is not the final word on mail-in voting, and hope springs eternal. But we believe Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson when she warns this could create “chaos.” Trump is going to attempt another coup, and it seems like SCOTUS will have his back this time. As your making your plan to vote this year, please consider voting in-person if you can.
More: AP
Send Her Back
We saw someone on social media say yesterday that we should return the Statue of Liberty to France, and that’s probably the fair and honest thing to do. Especially after the administration announced yesterday that it’s pulling 200,000 work and tourism visas. This country has already taken massive hits to its labor force and tourism industries, but Trump’s racism is far more important than either of those things. Seeing this shit breaks our hearts. But it also feels like we’re watching the United States of America commit suicide by stupidity. Shame on us.
More: AP
Today’s clips
Golf company Callaway is apologizing over an advertisement for a new driver posted by its media partner Good Good Golf, which depicted violence against women and was subsequently taken down. More: The Hill
Target has removed a clown Halloween costume following criticisms that it evoked blackface, minstrel shows and racist imagery. More: People
TEL AVIV, Israel (AP) — It’s been a year since Israeli soldiers killed 22 Palestinians, including journalists and rescue workers, in a double strike on a hospital in Gaza. No one has been held accountable. More: HuffPost
NEW YORK (AP) — Claims by Jeffrey Epstein’s former girlfriend and longtime associate Ghislaine Maxwell that her sex trafficking conviction was a “complete miscarriage of justice” were rejected Tuesday by a federal judge who said her assertions were based on “speculation, distortions, and/or outright falsehoods.” More: AP
CHICAGO (AP) — Honey. Makeup. Christmas decorations. And hockey sticks.
Those are just a few of the hundreds of different Canadian products that President Donald Trump’s administration has slapped with a 50% tax to enter the United States. The new tariffs, which kicked in Saturday, are expected to affect about $20 billion in Canadian goods, which represents roughly 5% of the $381.92 billion worth of products that the country sent to the U.S. last year. More: AP
NEW YORK (AP) — Serena Williams is back at the U.S. Open for her first match at the Grand Slam tournament since 2022, playing mixed doubles alongside defending men’s singles champion Carlos Alcaraz. More: AP
The ONLY way America will be able to regain any trust from the rest of the world, is to impeach like hell next year, and hand out prison sentences to almost everyone in Trump's regime in 2029.
The Hague will be an acceptable alternative.
I don’t have a problem with Hakeem talking with the “other side” as conversation is sometimes a good thing. Maybe putting it out front would have quelled some of the outrage!