Son of a Rand

It’s Thursday. There are 173 days until the midterm elections. Fetterman loves stupid wars, Iran owns a strait (and Trump) and China hates orange too.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it ain’t nearly as effed up as Rand’s kid.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! And welcome to another day of Stupid America Self Destructs. Jim Crow is rising, gas prices are too and the dumbshit-in-chief is in China getting his ample and wrinkled ass handed to him. So with all these important and concerning developments happening, we just have to ask… WHY THE FUCK DOES HE STAND LIKE THIS?!

What in the world? Oh wait. Oh right. Now we know. It’s been a long time, but we do recognize this stance. This is the Poopie Pants Stance. One of us — we’re not gonna say who (it was Sam) — may or may not have crapped his pants when he was a kid (it was two weeks ago). And he may or may not have a recollection of doing a cowboy walk in an effort to keep the poop from spreading everywhere and ruining his pants. He stood exactly like the president did in this New York Times photo. And it is not hard to imagine that Donald Trump is the kind of man who has had to throw away many, many pairs of wrecked trousers.

Now we can’t confirm that Trump stands like he just learned about standing because he filled his diapers. But it sure looks like it and we will probably start calling him President Poopie Pants. And hey, isn’t it nice when he takes a break from shitting all over us to shit himself? Thank goodness for small miracles. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Yeah, we probably need more therapy. But we just had a session yesterday, and if you missed it, you can get caught up here…

You can read the comments that took place during the live here!

Note three: Btw, we talked a little about that Martin Short documentary that just came out on Netflix. Sam saw it last night, and it is as fabulous as Marty. Highly recommend.

Note four: So you’re not gonna believe this, but Rand Paul’s son is a drunken nazi piece of shit. Ok so you will believe it. More: NOTUS

Note five: Yesterday we talked about the loss of trailblazer Jason Collins. Last night, the NBA guys did too. We get so fucking frustrated with Sir Charles, but we forever love the way he rides for the LGBTQ+ community.

Note six: As you know, Trump is in China and getting just strait (get it?) up owned by Xi. If you pray, pray for Taiwan. Because you know Trump doesn’t care about them. More: NBC News

Note seven: It’s pretty embarrassing the way the Chinese are publicly mocking Trump. Xi told him that he hoped they can avoid the “Thucydides Trap.” Every single person on the planet knows that Trump has no fucking idea what that means. That’s some A+ trolling. More: CNBC

Note eight: We reluctantly learned about an asshole who calls himself Chud the Builder who goes around filming himself calling Black people the n-word and daring them to fight him. Well, he’s been arrested. We were hoping for a different ending. More: Yahoo

Note nine: It’s a great time to be a scummy white criminal. Just ask Alex Murdaugh. More: NBC News

Note 10: President Obama is calling out Trump’s bullshit more and more. Thank goodness!

Note 11: Couchfuck and Trump are going to kill Californians because they don’t kiss Trump’s ass. They are cutting off $1.3 billion in Medicaid funds. This will kill people. And we know these corrupt motherfuckers don’t care about fraud. More: NBC News

Note 12: We forgot to mention that Trump fired the head of the FDA. Why? Because he wouldn’t approve flavored vapes fast enough for some corrupt assholes at Mar-a-Lago. More: The Guardian

Note 13: There are heroes walking these streets every damn day. We see them. And we thank them for their service.

Note 14: Time did a puff piece on Nicki Minaj. We will not be linking to that dumb shit.

Note 15: Miami is suing Trump over his library. And man we really need to stop calling it a library because you know there ain’t gonna be so much as one goddamn book in there. More: NBC News

Note 16: VP Kamala Harris put SCOTUS on blast over its racist bullshit. As usual, she was right about everything. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Don’t let the press coverage fool you. America hates Trump.

Note 18: We want to continue to highlight the work of L.A. Taco, who are doing such a great job telling powerful stories of people who have been hurt by Trump’s ICE thugs. It’s damn fine journalism they’re doing, and we are grateful. More: LA Taco

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to Louisiana, where one resident is sick and tired of being sick and tired. We almost made this the opening note without comment because he says it all better than we can…

Note 20: And on that righteous note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are hanging in there this week and not pooping yourself like the president of the United States. Love y’all!

This Asshole
Yesterday it almost happened. The Senate came closer to limiting Trump’s ability to wage war. We actually picked up Lisa Murkowski, who appears to have gone completely sour on this dumb shit. But there was one spoiled rotten fuckhead who just loves war. John “Uncle Fester” Fetterman was the deciding vote to defeat the resolution. It’s a good reminder that Fetterman is a spoiled rich kid who loves sending other people’s kids to fight. We hope he enjoys the last couple years of his career. Fucking asshole. Why doesn’t Lurch sign the fuck up and go? More: New Republic, More: WESA

Strait Up Fucked
Republicans keep going on television to say that the U.S. has secured the Strait of Hormuz. That is a big ol’ lie. Iran says that about 30 ships have gone through the Strait with their permission and after paying a toll. A UAE ship was apparently seized and is headed to Iran. So yeah, this motherfucker ain’t open and anyone who says it is is either lying or an Iranian official about to collect a toll. More: HuffPost

They Hate Him Too
We hate to give credit to CNN, but they did notice something important. While a lot of us were noticing that Xi didn’t bother to meet Trump at the airport, CNN noticed that Chinese citizens are all over social media attacking and mocking Trump. Why does this matter? Because in a country with that much censorship, the government would have to allow all these posts. And they are. Xi knows that Trump is the easiest mark in history. So he can get his band to play YMCA to Trump’s face and then let the whole country make fun of him. Between this and the Iran lego videos, we don’t think we’re actually all that respected around the world these days. More: HuffPost

Today’s clips
A Democratic grassroots organization seeking to conduct at least 500,000 substantive conversations with voters across the battleground map this year announced Thursday it is expanding its list of targets to more than 60 contested congressional and state races. More: NBC News

Activist Denise Powell won the Democratic primary for one of Democrats’ best pickup opportunities this fall after a prolonged vote count in an Omaha-based congressional district. More: Politico

Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick in closed-door testimony to Congress refuted accusations that he maintained a relationship with Jeffrey Epstein years after he claimed he had cut ties. More: Politico

Sebastian Gorka, a senior director for counterterrorism in Donald Trump’s White House, said Wednesday the president has written a letter to Vice President JD Vance outlining exactly what should happen if he is killed by a foreign power. More: HuffPost

A “CBS Evening News” cameraman collapsed while live on-air in Taiwan early Thursday morning after suffering an apparent medical emergency. More: HuffPost

‘Late Night’ host Stephen Colbert revealed the one thing he’ll miss the most about his CBS show, which is slated for cancellation next week, during a special episode of the “Strike Force Five” podcast with fellow late-night hosts Seth Meyers, John Oliver, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon. More: HuffPost

CARACAS, Venezuela (AP) — Twice this week, U.S. President Donald Trump has expressed interest in turning Venezuela into his country’s 51st state. The latest came via a Truth Social post Tuesday with a map showing the South American country filled with the U.S. flag. More: Associated Press

The World Cup final will feature a star-studded halftime show headlined by Madonna, Shakira and boy-band BTS. More: Associated Press

A spiritual adviser for President Donald Trump forgave the president’s sexual misconduct ― alleged and otherwise ― in a startling interview with The New Yorker. More: Associated Press