Senate Democrats don't get it
It’s Tuesday. There are 588 days until the midterm elections. Senate Democrats still don’t get it, Team Trump wrecks social security and the Russian asset says security breaches are cool.
Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It allows us to accurately describe the dumbshits running things.
Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, even for these idiots this Atlantic shit is shockingly idiotic. We knew it was a bad idea to make a drunken moron the SecDef, but we also knew it was a bad idea to make a racist, rapist felon dipshit president. Still, we are damn near impressed by how much worse they are than we were capable of imagining…
Sigh. So, so dumb. If you’re like us, this embarrassing chapter has just about made your head explode. We needed answers. So here’s a (not real) interview with Pete Hegseth…
TBS: Hey asshole, so…
Hegseth: We’re invading Canada on Saturday. What are you wearing right now? I fucking love your newsletter.
TBS: Wait. What?! We’re invading Canada?! How fucked up are you?!
Hegseth: Don’t worry. I’ll sober up before we attack Greenland on April 3rd at 10:14 p.m. Eastern Time. It’s gonna be epic. Man, we should like take a trip together.
TBS: You’re a goddamn mess, boy. You need to resign.
Hegseth: You need to resign! For being too beautiful! I’m starving. Wanna go get some waffles before we drop more bombs on Yemen in 37 minutes?
TBS: Dude, this isn’t a joke. You’re going to get us all killed.
Hegseth: Fuck yeah, baby! It’s gonna be lit! Also we’re hitting Panama in June. I’ll text you about it. Oh shit I think I just pissed myself.
That started out as a joke, but we depressed ourselves when we realized the truth is probably not that far off. Sorry about that, everyone. But not as sorry as that dumb motherfucker. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: Btw Wired is reporting that after engaging in a globally embarrassing national security breach, Trump’s officials joined him for a fancy dinner where people paid $1 million a person to kiss the ass of an orange dumbshit. Also, Wired is crushing it. Props.
Note three: This isn’t politics related, but we are absolutely effing crushed to see USC women’s basketball star Juju Watkins hurt her knee last night. Damn, damn, damn. Sending love to Juju and hoping she comes back strong.
JuJu Watkins tears ACL, sources say, ending USC star's season - ESPN
Note four: Great news, everybody. Louis DeJoy resigned. Just in time. Goddamnit.
US postmaster general resigns with immediate effect | US news | The Guardian
Note five: Jessica is all of us.
Note six: Georgia is about to cancel 455,000 voter registrations. If you live there, make sure to keep an eye on your registration.
Sweeping cancellation of 455K voter registrations planned in Georgia | AJC
Note seven: We dodged a big damn bullet yesterday when the corrupt and broken Supreme Court declined to take up a challenge from super creep Steve Wynn, who was looking to overturn New York Times v. Sullivan. Phew.
Supreme Court turns down Trump donor Steve Wynn's bid to overturn libel precedent | NBC
Note eight: In 2016, the New York Times ran a story about how Trump loves gay people and is a different kind of Republican. Anyway, Trump has canceled at least 68 grants focused on LGBTQ health.
Trump administration cancels at least 68 grants focused on LGBTQ health questions | CNN
Note nine: Maine Gov. Janet Mills has quickly become our hero. While Trump demands an apology from her, she’s responding with a big ol’ fuck you.
Maine Gov. Mills fires back at Trump after he demands apology | WMTW
Note 10: AG Pam Bondi is completely focused on harassing and attacking a Black woman member of Congress. And while we’d never pretend to speak for Rep. Crockett, we would like to say eat shit, Pam.
Note 11: Can someone tell us why Colorado Democrats are such chickenshits? Trump says take down a fugly portrait and they jump all over it? It’s like our whole party has one fucking spine and we each take turns using it.
Note 12: Joe Rogan is boycotting Canada. We wish we were Canada.
Joe Rogan would ‘rather go to Russia’ than work at UFC event in Canada | The Independent
Note 13: In a hearing yesterday about Venezuelan deportations, a DC Circuit judge said “the nazis got better treatment.” Whoa.
Note 14: We seriously have to win in Wisconsin. Whatever you’re doing to help there, please keep it up.
Why Elon Musk is the main character of Wisconsin Supreme Court race | AP News
Note 15: It’s so fucking infuriating when he comes out and admits the con…
Note 16: If you’re a March Madness fan, be sure to root against Auburn in the men’s tournament. Coach Bruce Pearl is a vocal Trump supporter who loves to go on Fox News.
Note 17: The FBI has formed a task force to go after people who are mean to Teslas. Your tax dollars at work, folks.
Tesla task force launched by FBI, cites domestic terrorism | CNBC
Note 18: Some good news – we’re getting a new Miley album AND Lizzo has signed on to play Sister Rosetta Tharpe in a new biopic. We’re so in.
Lizzo to Play Rosetta Tharpe in Biopic for Amazon MGM Studios | Variety
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, well, it ain’t that happy. It’s actually pretty gross. It’s also pretty hilarious. Someone smeared shit all over Wayne Gretzky’s statue in Canada. Look, it ain’t our style and we don’t endorse it, but you’re gonna die laughing when you see the picture.
Wayne Gretzky statue in Canada covered in poop | CTV
Note 20: And on that stanky note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. And if you find yourself on a drunken text chain with the Secretary of Defense, then it’s time to go to bed. Love y’all!
Note 21: Here’s a bonus note for those not familiar with Sister Rosetta Tharpe…
Traitors
After the massive national security breach scandal broke yesterday, Senate Democrats went to work putting out strongly worded tweets and press releases. And then they went right back to voting for Trump appointees. We wish we were kidding. Keep in mind that this vote happened AFTER we found out that Team Trump is doing national security shit on an app and inviting journalists along. We will say it again – Fuck the Senate. Not one penny. Focus on the House.
So efficient
The South African ketamine addict doesn’t seem to be doing such a great job making Social Security more efficient. What’s left of the Washington Post reported today that the Social Security Administration's website crashed four times in 10 days this month, and people who are calling are being left on hold forever. We all warned that Trump was coming for social security. We’d really like to be wrong about some of this shit. Also, we’re not gonna link to the WaPo story because it’s paywalled and Bezos sucks.
Social Security's agency has announced a flurry of changes : NPR
No biggie
So who is getting fired over this shocking and globally embarrassing national security breach? Nobody of course. Trump called up a friendly reporter at NBC to tell him that NSA Mike Waltz is a great dude who has learned his lesson and the whole thing was really just no big deal. And because NBC is a joke, they just dutifully wrote that dumb shit down and then repeated it to their viewers. Make no mistake – this is an egregious fuck-up and mulitiple people should be fired. The beltway clowns can downplay it if they want, but we’re not.
Trump stands by Mike Waltz after disclosure of Yemen strike plans to The Atlantic's editor
Today’s clips
An Oscar-winning Palestinian director and two others have been released by Israel, a day after he was badly beaten by Jewish settlers and detained by Israeli forces in the occupied West Bank.
A Columbia University student who took part in campus protests against Israel's military offensive in Gaza is facing deportation, according to a Monday lawsuit.
Columbia protester Yunseo Chung sues Trump administration to prevent deportation
Fox News’ Brian Kilmeade sparked outrage after arguing that undocumented immigrants “don’t deserve” due process before being removed from the country.
Critics Rip Brian Kilmeade's 'Chilling' Remark About Undocumented Immigrants | HuffPost Latest News
Vice President JD Vance criticized the judgment of his boss, President Donald Trump, in a leaked group chat in which Vance and several other senior Trump administration officials discussed the possibility of American military strikes against Houthi rebel targets in Yemen.
Joe Rogan probably knows Canada would not let him across the border.
Of the Dem Senators who just voted to confirm Trump's Navy Secretary, Cortez Masto (NV) is a Senate Leader who also voted with Schumer on the CR. Which leads me to the others who voted to confirm and are members of the Armed Services Committee which should be meeting and demanding an investigation into the security breach with the Atlantic. Reed is Ranking Member of the Senate Armed Forces Committee, Kaine (VA) Kelly (AZ) King (ME) Rosen (NV) and Shaheen (NH) are all members. They should have been on high alert and NOT confirmed anyone until an investigation is conducted and accountability administered. It isn't just Felon47 and his clowns who are putting our national security at risk, I also hold these Senators responsible. WTF are we doing as a party? Why can't the Dems say "we're not confirming anyone in any armed services capacity until we learn how and who is responsible for the security breach?" Also, has the "uproar" over Schumer and the other votes just been dismissed as we'll get over it? I'M not over it. I still want him gone. Posters on Bluesky were encouraging a Kelly vote to replace Schumer. Are you kidding me? No. He might have been an astronaut, he might have served as a pilot but he served in the NAVY! Doesn't he care about having someone ineffective in the position of Secretary of the Navy? There is no way we should get behind Kelly as a replacement for Schumer. But he MUST be replaced!