SCREWUS SCOTUS

It’s Tuesday. There are 574 days until the midterm elections. The Pentagon is getting our cancer research money, Senate Democrats seem to have heard us and SCOTUS really sucks.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It will continue to do so from its El Salvadoran cell.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! How the eff are you today? Yeah, us too. This fascism shit is exhausting. We hate to give Trump credit for anything, but he really is the Energizer Bunny of fucking things up. Just imagine that pink furry little shit hitting himself in the head with those drumsticks over and over and over and over again. Like here we were being all shocked and appalled by him playing golf while tanking the economy and then he goes and plans this shit…

Welp, congrats on becoming New North Korea, everybody! Actually this is worse because we’re supposed to fucking know better. We needed some perspective on this, so we reached out to an actual North Korean dictator…

Us: Hey, Kim Jong Un!

Kim Jong Un: Hey guys! Love the newsletter! Still hate you and America though!

Us: We hate you too, bro. So what do you think of Trump’s birthday party plans?

KJU: Waaaayyyyyyy over the top. Like seriously, dude, take it down a notch.

Us: Really?

KJU: Totally. At some point it’s just tacky. Have you seen the Oval Office? It looks like Liberace ate his own wardrobe and then had explosive diarrhea all over the walls?

Us: We’ll be honest we were not expecting this from you.

KJU: There has to be a line. Like I’m supposed to believe that motherfucker is winning his club championship?! C’mon! He should invite me, but he’s scared. He knows my father taught me how to hit 18 holes-in-one.

Us: Oh Jesus here we go…

Personally, we think they’re both lying about their golf games. And everything else. We know this is deeply upsetting, but hey, at least the economy sucks. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: The stock market is doing better today. It really does seem like the whole world is just in denial about how stupid Trump really is. More: NBC News

Note three: The Trump administration has decided that the world’s poor have had it too good for too long so they’re cutting off assistance to the UN World Food Program. These guys are really shitty Christians. More: NBC News

Note four: The administration detained a U.S. citizen just for being a lawyer. This is so fucking bad. More: Detroit Free Press

Note five: The Ted Cruz Curse is real! Poor Houston. They didn’t deserve this. But nobody deserves Ted Cruz.

Note six: We don’t really know video games, but we know humiliation. And this humiliation for Elon Leon Melvin is just delicious. More: Yahoo

Note seven: Steroid freak and FBI deputy director Dan Bongino is getting a security detail for some reason. Too bad we don’t have money to pay alzheimer's researchers and fire fighters. More: NBC News

Note eight: Wanna hear something really fucked up? Even Elon Leon Melvin tried to talk Trump out of his idiotic tariff plans. You know things are scary when Trump won’t even listen to his South African sex robot. More: Washington Post

Note nine: We have some bad news. Trump adviser and recent jailbird Peter Navarro is guaranteeing there won’t be a recession. So there’s definitely gonna be a recession. More: The Hill

Note 10: We’re just gonna put this right here for no reason at all…

Note 11: Great news, everybody! Our segregationist government has backed down and restored Harriet Tubman’s story. Yay? More: Axios

Note 12: Trump recently endorsed all-time flip-flopper John Sununu for the Senate. Sununu is saying no thanks. It’s almost like sane people don’t want to give up their lives to be a Trump bootlick. More: The Pulse of NH

Note 13: We’re gonna take lessons on masculinity just as soon as we take lessons on honesty/fitness/good governance from Trump. More: Media Matters for America

Note 14: DOJ sent armed U.S. Marshalls to warn the former pardon attorney about testifying in front of Senate Democrats. She showed up anyway. More: The Hill

Note 15: Look who just joined Bluesky!

Note 16: The L.A. Dodgers thoroughly disgraced themselves and their ballclub yesterday and we invite them to kiss our asses the way they kissed Trump’s. More: The Hill

Note 17: Jellyroll Doodiebreath (JD) Vance has pissed off the Chinese. For those keeping score, that means the whole world now hates this couch-fucking weirdo. More: BBC News

Note 18: We want to give props to the fighters. New York’s schools have told the Trump administration to get the fuck outta here with that anti-DEI shit. You love to see it. More: Associated Press

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we give you a protesting Neil Young. While we’re thrilled to see this brave dude still fighting the good fight, we wish he was free to just play with his model trains.

Note 20: And on that rockin’ note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope your week is off to a good start. And if it is, let us know and we’ll spend $100 million on a parade to tell you how special you are. Oh wait. No we won’t. That would be nuts. Love y’all!

So much for DOGE
Remember how they told us our financial house was in such bad shape that we had to cut money for U.S. veterans to be park rangers and we had to cut cancer and and alzheimer’s research and we had to cut pretty much everything? Well it turns out we still have plenty of money for the Pentagon and defense contractors as Trump announced yesterday he is planning to ask for a record $1 trillion for defense spending. What we can’t figure out is why. If this dumb motherfucker is giving away our classified secrets daily, then what possible defense could we have? And remember, it didn’t take much money for a bunch of mouth-breathing dumbfucks to take our Capitol. More: Politico

A good start
Sen. Cory Booker is a trendsetter. After months of waiting for Senate Democrats to get off their asses and fight back, we are finally seeing some movement. Sen. Brain Schatz, who went totally missing after promising to block some Trump appointees, is back and blocking about 300 Trump nominees. Sen. Richard Blumenthal is following suit and putting a hold on all nominees who come through any of his four committees. And yesterday Senate Democrats held a shadow hearing to highlight just how fucked up this administration really is. It took longer than it should have, but our team is finally getting in the fight. More: Axios, NPR

Scary, scary SCOTUS
The same Supreme Court that made Donald Trump above the law is now saying that he can abduct and traffic anyone he doesn’t like to an El Salvadoran gulag. Yeah, it’s pretty fucked up. With all the dude bro justices voting aye and all the women justices voting nay, the Court said that Trump’s bullshit use of the Alien Enemies Act is just fine and he can kidnap and send as many innocent people to the camps as he likes. They did, however, say that those abducted must have a chance to make their case to a right-wing Texas appeals court. The important reading comes from the dissents. Sotomayor blasted the lawlessness of this crazy shit, and Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson blasted the bro side of the court for being too chickenshit to put their names on disgusting decisions like this one. Schumer said the courts would stop Trump’s lawlessness. Guess this was another thing he was wrong about. More: BBC News, HuffPost, Alternet

Today’s clips
U.S. Navy Vice Adm. Shoshana Chatfield, the only woman on NATO’s military committee, was fired over the weekend by the Trump administration, U.S. officials said Monday.

Although no reason was given, officials said it was apparently tied to comments she has made that supported diversity in the force. More: Associated Press

U.S. Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. on Monday said he plans to tell the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention to stop recommending fluoridation in communities nationwide. Kennedy said he’s assembling a task force of health experts to study the issue and make new recommendations. More: Associated Press

A 20-year-old trans woman spent 24 hours in jail after entering a women’s restroom in the Florida State Capitol as an act of protest against an anti-trans bathroom law. More: HuffPost

Frigid temperatures still gripped much of the United States on Wednesday as 55 million people in parts of the Midwest, Mid-Atlantic, and Southeast remain under frost and freeze alerts. More: NBC News