Save Our Children (from Trump)

It’s Thursday. There are 180 days until the midterm elections. Nutlick’s lies, Saudi Arabia owns the president and John Roberts thinks you’re stupid.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. So it can tell the Chief Justice to eat shit.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the hell are y’all doing today? Fed up, freaked out and pissed the eff off? Yeah, us too. If the horrors don’t get you, the stupid will. And there is so much stupid that we sometimes miss some of it. For instance, did you know that Trump asked a little boy if he could take him in a fight this week? We’re not making that up. We just wish we were. But someone even did a poll about it…

This has to be rock bottom, right? Or is that when the fight actually happens on the White House lawn and we’re all betting on it? Wouldn’t it be nice just to go one day without the president acting like he’s the ringmaster in a really gross circus? Anyway, we were really distraught by this, so we interviewed an 8-year-old to ask them if they thought they could kick Trump’s ass…

Us: Hey little fella!

Child: Hey guys! Love the newsletter!

Us: Yikes. You should definitely not be reading this newsletter. So do you think you could take President Trump in a fight?

Child: I’m eight.

Us: Yeah, we know, but still.

Child: I think this is really immature. I sure wish adults would focus on climate change, democracy, spending, education and making sure I have a future. I just left an active-shooter drill and you’re asking me about fighting the president of the United States.

Us: Sorry. It was his idea.

Child: That’s not a valid excuse. You guys need to grow up.

Us: Ok now we feel bad. But just to put a period on this, you could take Trump, right?

Child: Oh yeah. I’d fuck him up without breaking a sweat.

We knew it! Well aside from being shamed by an imaginary child this morning, we think that went great. Everything sure is dumb! Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Because everything is so dumb, we needed some therapy yesterday. It’s funny, but we really do feel better after these. You can get caught up here…

Note three: There’s a lot about The Atlantic we hate. Frankly we’re sick and tired of having both-sides centrism shoved down our throats. But man props to them for going after Kash Patel even after they found out he’s going after them. More: The Independent

Note four: The Pope is meeting with Marco Rubio this morning. We never thought we could feel this sorry for a Pope. We’re also laughing at Marco’s brilliant political strategy of not being JD Vance. More: NBC News

Note five: A suicide note from Jeffrey Epstein was released yesterday. It looks like Trump wrote it. Maybe because Trump wrote it.

Note six: Y’all know we really don’t do conspiracy theories, but more and more people are. Probably because the president of the United States is a pathological liar who tells everyone that everything is rigged. More: Wired

Note seven: Who should Sam vote for in the California guv race? He’s leaning Becerra at the moment. More: NBC News

Note eight: Putin has been tightening his security because he’s worried his own people want to kill him. No wonder he and Trump get along so well. Maybe Putin just needs a new ballroom. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Clarence Thomas is now the second-longest serving justice in the court’s history. So that sucks. Especially when you consider that Long Dong Silver retired years ago. More: Associated Press

Note 10: Here’s the Worst Lady and the president having a good laugh about what a heartless psycho asshole Trump is…

Note 11: Whenever we’re feeling down about how stupid our country and our politics are, we just look at England and temporarily feel better. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Trump’s top economic guy thinks it’s a good thing Americans are putting more on our credit cards. We can never tell when they’re lying to us or when they’re just dumber than dog shit and actually believe this stupid crap. More: HuffPost

Note 13: Alan Dershowitz recently left the Democratic Party again. This clip is one of many reasons why we’re so glad he did. Massage boy sure is creepy, ain’t he?

Note 14: We were gonna report that Trump is close to a deal in Iran, but we’re not stupid or corrupt. We’ll leave that to Axios.

Note 15: VP Harris wants the DNC to release its 2024 autopsy report. It is insane that they have let this become such a big thing. If they’d put it out months ago, we would have already moved on. More: NBC News

Note 16: The FBI went after Louise Lucas yesterday. We’re not sure if it’s because she’s Black, a woman or because she has been calling out Republican men so hard but this whole thing stinks to high heaven. More: NBC News

Note 17: This is pretty damn cool. Who’s going?

Note 18: This is a difficult read, but it’s important journalism and we wanted to share it. Thank you to the crew at LA Taco for their hard work and big hearts. More: LA Taco

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we look to the children. Or at least the ones who aren’t fighting the president. This is hilarious until you remember these poor kids are having to grow up in this shit…

Note 20: And on that adorable note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week and not trying to fight any children. Because what kind of crazy fucking asshole would do that? Love y’all!

Nutlick’s lies
Howard Nutlick testified behind closed doors yesterday about his friendship with Jeffrey Epstein. Because House Oversight Chairman James Comer is trying to cover up for child rapists, the testimony was not videotaped. But according to Democrats who were in the room, Nutlick had a very hard time keeping his story straight and couldn’t remember why exactly he went to Epstein’s island. This is all gross but we can’t get past the part where a Republican chairman refused to record this on video. What the fuck are we doing here? More: Associated Press, More: Politico

Project Not So Fast
Remember Project Freedom? Trump announced it earlier this week, Hegseth and Rubio pushed it and then a few hours later Trump called it off. Now we know why. Saudi Arabia wouldn’t let him do it. They cut off access to its bases and airspace. Ya know, like European countries have been doing. As fucked up as all of this is, we do think it’s pretty funny that corrupt countries like Saudi Arabia are learning that their puppet is an erratic idiot who does lots of dumb shit without consulting them. But we can’t help but notice there haven’t been any Truth Social posts attacking MBS. Gosh. Wonder why. More: NBC News

Fuck you, John
John Roberts thinks we’re all stupid. One week after bringing back Jim Crow voting protections in the South and just a couple years after making Trump a king, Roberts is back to whining about the perception of our corrupt court. Roberts told a conference in Pennsylvania that Americans just don’t understand how SCOTUS works and that they’re not political at all. As many people on social media pointed out, Justice Neil Gorsuch was on Megyn Kelly’s show at the same time Roberts was making these bullshit remarks. And they come just a couple weeks after Clarence Thomas said that progressives represent an existential threat to the country. So John Roberts isn’t just a racist piece of shit, he’s also a liar. If you want to run for president as a Democrat in 2028, then you better have a SCOTUS plan. Because we’ll all be expecting one. More: NBC News

Today’s clips
WASHINGTON (AP) — The Trump administration’s approach to the Iran war over the past 24 hours has pinballed from declarations that a tenuous ceasefire was holding and military operations were over to new threats of bombing the Islamic Republic. More: Associated Press

DETROIT (AP) — For years, Michigan Republicans had circled 2026 as their chance to regain power in the swing state where Democrats hold all statewide offices and both U.S. Senate seats. Now, doubts are creeping in. More: Associated Press

NEW YORK (AP) — President Donald Trump’s lawyer, hoping for an eventual Supreme Court victory, has asked a federal appeals court in New York to temporarily block a longtime columnist from collecting an $83 million defamation award. More: Associated Press

THE HAGUE, Netherlands (AP) — More than two dozen passengers from at least 12 different countries left a cruise ship hit by a deadly hantavirus outbreak on April 24 without contact tracing, nearly two weeks after the first passenger died on board, the ship operator and Dutch officials said Thursday. More: HuffPost

Joanna Whaley was on the phone with a member of her campaign team when she received an email from the county clerk’s office saying that her candidacy was being challenged.

Frank Liberati, a fellow Democratic candidate for Michigan state representative, had filed a complaint against Whaley, a transgender woman, alleging that she had made a “false statement” and skirted state election law because she did not list her birth name when she filed to run for office. More: HuffPost

LONDON (AP) — British voters cast ballots Thursday in midterm local and regional elections that could shake up the country’s politics and deliver a heavy blow to embattled Prime Minister Keir Starmer. More: HuffPost

An Arizona sheriff who has been at the forefront of the search for NBC journalist Savannah Guthrie’s mother strongly disputed FBI Director Kash Patel’s claims of being “kept out” of the investigation. More: HuffPost