Sad Sofa Boy

It’s Tuesday. There are 203 days until the midterm elections. Trump surrenders at Stonewall, the House loses a couple of dirtbags and an American tragedy.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it knows what teleportation is.

Note: We just couldn’t resist, Sexy Patriots. Yesterday, we decided to focus on the great people of Hungary and their wonderful victory instead of Vice President Loser Stank McCouchfuck. Well today we’re focusing on the loser. Yes, the lothario of Living Spaces has been on quite a run lately. He failed in Hungary, he failed in Pakistan and he failed at not sucking. So they sent him on Fox News to make excuses…

LOL! Goddamn that’s hilarious. Yeah, you have to wade through a lot of psycho horseshit to get there, but we sure do love hearing that weirdo say he’s “sad.” When he’s sad, decent people are happy. We were kinda hoping he would cry. He looks like he would be an ugly crier. And possibly a thumbsucker. And while we love making fun of the divan-diddler, we do want to take a second to say thank him.

Thank you, you clueless, soulless fuckwit for refusing to have even an ounce of self-awareness. Thank you for refusing to look at your track record of failure and continuing to put yourself out there for American voters to be repulsed by. We genuinely admire your relentless attempts to shove your weird self down our nation’s throat, and we think you should keep it up until every last American hates your weird, couch-fucking guts. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: How many people looked up divans?

Note three: This would be pretty funny if it wasn’t horrifying. CNN called Trump and asked him about the FEMA official who claims he teleported to Waffle House. This was the first Trump had heard of it. He also asked “what does teleport mean?” Remember when he accused Biden of not knowing what was going on? More: HuffPost

Note four: Our idiot president said he didn’t know he was posting a picture of himself as Jesus and he thought it was a picture of himself as president. And if you believe that stupid shit, then you probably believe he cares about America too. More: NBC News

Note five: Adam and Ally have been talking to media folks about Scummy Swalwell. We are enormously proud of them both!

Note six: Prices are rising because of Trump’s stupid war. Didn’t we have a whole goddamn presidential campaign about this? More: Associated Press

Note seven: Damnit. Dick Vitale is battling cancer again. We’re sending love, Dickie V! More: HuffPost

Note eight: Mike Lawler had a town hall meeting the other night. It didn’t go great for him. LOL. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Pam Bondi is supposed to be testifying today. The fact that she isn’t should be a scandal. More: NPR

Note 10: We sure fucking hate agreeing with Rand Paul this much. Why don’t people who go on this show just make fun of Kernen for being a Trump bitch?

Note 11: Bad news for the CPAC creeps. Apparently Hungary was paying for their nazi rallies, and they’ve just been cut off. More: Mediaite

Note 12: Trump dumped that loser swimmer, and she kept kissing his ass anyway. Unfortunately for her, four other people kissed his ass faster, so she came in fifth place again. More: Yahoo

Note 13: We’re not getting new congressional maps in Maryland because our party blew it. So we really need to win in Virginia next week! More: Associated Press

Note 14: We hate that we know what a Clavicular is. We did enjoy watching him be a baby on television though. Little weirdo. More: Mediaite

Note 15: We honestly thought this was a parody. Nope. Just regular CSPAN. America, you’re a mess, gurl.

Note 16: Mark Carney’s Liberals have won again. It really is amazing how good Trump is for the politicians who oppose him. More: The Guardian

Note 17: Holy freaking crap! Democratic Senate candidates like Mary Peltola are putting up HUGE fundraising numbers. No wonder Trump is trying to end the world before the midterms. More: Politico

Note 18: Many people are saying that Trump is the antiChrist. We never really believed in that kind of thing, but we’re coming around. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, Wu-Tang is going to the Rock Hall of Fame, Madonna has a new album coming out and accountability seems to be coming back in style. Also, here’s an insanely adorable video of a dog getting adopted…

Note 20: And on that life-affirming note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. Unless you’re JD Vance. Then you can go fuck a couch and then go fuck yourself. Love y’all!

Victory
Donald Trump has surrendered yet again. This time he lost to LGBTQ+ history and a group of advocates who have been fighting for their rights since Trump was still trying to get the Central Park Five put to death. You might recall that Trump pissed off A LOT of people by removing the Pride Flag from the Stonewall National Monument in New York. Trump got sued for his bullshit bigotry and he backed down. Thank you to everyone who fought to preserve this vital American history and freedom. Trump continues to underestimate the people he’s fucking with. More: Associated Press

Bye, scumbags
Eric Swalwell is out. Thanks to Ally and the other brave women who have come forward to tell people about the real Swalwell, the sleazebag has not only ended his gubernatorial campaign, but he also has resigned from Congress. Good riddance. His move also put pressure on Republican dirtbag Tony Gonzales to resign, and it appears he is doing just that. Now Cory Mills needs to go too. After Trump won, we were told by a lot of people that nothing matters anymore. Now we know that’s not true. Shame and decency still have a place in this world. Just not when it comes to Trump. More: People

DoorDash Drama
If you want to have some fun, log into Twitter and check out how DoorDash’s PR guy is doing. After Trump arranged a stunt yesterday to have a DoorDasher drop off his McDonald’s and talk about taxes on tips, the DoorDasher was revealed to be a go-to Republican plant who has made at least one similar appearance in the past. She’s not even from D.C. She lives in Arkansas. And even she didn’t take Trump’s bait on attacking trans people. The horrifying truth is none of this is a happy story. She said she started driving for DoorDash to pay for her cancer-stricken husband’s medical bills. Maybe the president should have told her his healthcare plan instead of giving her $100. Only in America would the president celebrate a senior citizen having to go back to work to pay for healthcare. More: The Daily Beast, More: Advocate

Today’s clips
LOS ANGELES (AP) — After the dramatic downfall of Democratic U.S. Rep. Eric Swalwell, the race for California governor is moving on. More: Associated Press

ISLAMABAD (AP) — The standoff between the United States and Iran deepened Tuesday as the U.S. declared it had blockaded Iran’s ports, Tehran threatened to strike targets across the region, and Pakistan said it was racing to bring the sides together for more talks. More: Associated Press

HOUSTON — Azzi Fudd has been waiting years for this moment. After four seasons as a star guard for the University of Connecticut, she was taken No. 1 overall by the Dallas Wings in Monday’s WNBA Draft. Ahead of her selection, she told NBC News there was only one way to describe her feelings. More: NBC News

Olivia Troye, a former adviser to Vice President Mike Pence who left the White House in 2020 and became a vocal critic of President Donald Trump, announced Tuesday that she’s running for Congress as a Democrat. More: NBC News

Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney referenced bourbon in a pointed political aside during a recent Liberal Party convention speech, using whiskey consumption as a symbolic marker of shifting Canada-U.S. trade sentiment, according to Newsweek. More: The Daily Pour