RFKrapping Yourself

Happy Friday. There are 116 days until the midterm elections. Trump prepares to steal the midterms, we seriously need to abolish ICE and we’re super pissed about Maine.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Which comes in handy when we’re cussing out the Dodgers.

Note: Hey Sexy Patriots! Who’s ready to shit themselves to death?! Yes, it seems we are in the beginning stages of the inevitable phase of Trump II where Americans get the nonstop poopies. But don’t worry — that guy who desecrates animal corpses is still in charge of our collective health…

Yeah, we’re fucked. You just know this freak is gonna tell us that extreme crapping is a great way to lose weight and catch up on bathroom reading. He might even tell us it’s how he discovered he likes the taste of his own shit. But for normal people, this kind of thing is concerning. Hell, even Taco Bell went ahead and pulled some ingredients to protect their customers. That means the Baja Blast people are doing more to protect your health than the raccoon dick guy and the federal government.

We don’t want to be alarmists. You probably won’t shit yourself to death. But doesn’t that seem like something that would happen under Trump? Widespread diarrhea dying just seems so Trumpy. In the first term, we wore masks. In the second term, it’s diapers. Maybe Trump just wants us all to be like him. Or at least smell like him. Regardless, be safe out there. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Hey we’re so sorry we had to cancel therapy yesterday. Adam was under the weather (not with the thing from the first note). We’re gonna try to sneak in a session later today, but we’re not sure if we can line it up. We’ll keep you posted.

Note three: President Dumbshit announced this morning that he is refusing to sign a bipartisan bill to lower housing costs because Republicans won’t eliminate the filibuster. LOL. What a fucking moron. He sure showed us. More: CNBC

Note four: Fetterman is now raising money with Republicans. It’s hard to describe how excited we are to retire this dumb sonofabitch the next time he’s up. In the meantime, he can kiss our asses. More: The Hill

Note five: We’re gonna talk more about Maine in the news section, but goddamnit this story just keeps getting worse. Are we better than Republicans or not?

Note six: We’ve seen a lot of stories about how much pressure the U.S. men’s team was facing. LOL. We’d like to remind everyone that Megan Rapinoe was literally attacked publicly by the president of the United States WHILE playing in a World Cup and she still won the fucking thing. More: HuffPost

Note seven: We don’t know about y’all, but we think France is looking like the team to beat. We are sure gonna miss this tournament when it’s over. More: ESPN

Note eight: Nolan Xavier Wells. That’s it. That’s the note. We just want to make sure that we’re saying his name and people aren’t forgetting. More: ABC News

Note nine: We didn’t think Colorado could do worse than Jared Polis. Then we learned about the murderer who Republicans nominated. Yikes. More: HuffPost

Note 10: This is pretty funny from Roy Cooper in North Carolina…

Note 11: The L.A. Dodgers hate their fans. That’s the only way to explain why those assholes keep going back to the White House. What a fucking disgrace. More: Yahoo Sports

Note 12: Ted Cruz is worried about James Talarico. We’ll be worried too if Ted endorses him because Cruz might be the biggest goddamn jinx on the planet. More: HuffPost

Note 13: Remember when the news made a HUGE deal out of President Obama’s spiritual adviser? Well why does this fucking asshole get a pass?

Note 14: Turkey wouldn’t let a gay cruise come there. And Patti LuPone is calling shit out. More: HuffPost

Note 15: We had no plans to fly into Palm Beach airport. And now we never will. More: AP

Note 16: We’re gonna talk about Maine in the news section, but here’s a handy guide to who is stepping up to run in his place. More: AP

Note 17: Well this is just too perfect. And it just inspired a Cheers rewatch…

Note 18: Trump is covering the White House with tarps. We assume he’s just going to bulldoze the rest of it. Let’s hope he’s there when it happens. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’ve got nothing. We’re just kidding. We’ve got you and that’s a lot. So here’s the Peanuts gang dancing to Outkast. Have a great Friday. More: YouTube

Note 20: And on that funky note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have the most amazing weekend and don’t spend it crapping yourself to death. But we always hope that. Love y’all!

Coup Part II

The guy who attempted a coup in 2021 is back at it, and the mainstream media don’t really seem to care. Trump just fired all the remaining members of the bipartisan Election Assistance Commission. And we’re assuming he didn’t do it for honest reasons. While we’ve seen conflicting reports about how big of a deal this is, we think it’s pretty huge just because it’s like the billionth piece of evidence that the serial cheater is planning to cheat again. We have to admit we are damn curious to hear what our party’s plan is to combat this crazy shit.

More: NBC News

You Can’t Reform This

The men who were with Lorenzo Salgado Araujo say that ICE is lying. Again. ICE’s claims that this man was trying to ram them with his car were lies. Again. So yes, ICE murdered an innocent person. Again. And those fuckers are claiming there are no body cams because of Democratic shutdowns. So not only are they lying, but they’re being super partisan about their murder. This man’s kids are destroying our hearts when we hear them speak about what a good man their dad was. He wasn’t even the guy ICE was looking for. This agency can’t be reformed. It needs to be abolished. If you’re not sure about that, don’t ask for our votes.

More: Washington Post, The Guardian, NBC News

Go the Fuck Away

That message is for Graham Platner, who apparently still doesn’t get what’s happening here. It’s over, dude. We’re done with you. Some of us never started. But we saw the news yesterday that this asshole is going to wait until the last possible minute on Monday to officially drop out, and we learned that it is possible for us to hate an accused rapist even more. It’s becoming very clear that this was never about working people. This was about one man’s ego. Enough. Drop out. Let us move on.

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

GRAPEVINE, Texas — Wally Funk, an aviation pioneer who was the oldest woman to launch into space, has died. She was 87. More: NBC News

COLUMBIA, S.C. (AP) — Eight South Carolina National Guard helicopter pilots have been returned to flying duties following a suspension over a low-flying sweep over beachgoers as part of a July 4 event honoring servicemembers. More: AP

MEXICO CITY (AP) — Mexico will request criminal charges over 17 Mexicans who died in ICE custody or during immigration enforcement operations by the Trump administration, officials said Thursday. More: AP

Most of America’s Lower 48 states are about to swelter under an unusually large, strong and long-lasting heat dome that will spike temperatures in a way that the National Weather Service calls “significant and dangerous.” More: AP

PROVO, Utah (AP) — Lawyers for the man accused of killing conservative activist Charlie Kirk plan to call a final witness on Friday as they try to raise doubts about the prosecution’s case before it can go to trial. More: AP

President Donald Trump on Wednesday made a series of claims about Iran while attending a NATO summit in Turkey that clashed with wholly opposite comments he made over the past month, which CNN host Abby Phillip highlighted with a damning split-screen. More: HuffPost