Regume Chonge (or Regime Change)

It’s Monday. There are 498 days until the midterm elections. Republicans are still planning to screw America this week, a Florida story that really Floridas and an idiot starts a war.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it’s never started any wars like a fucking idiot.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we hate to break it to you but shit didn’t get any better over the weekend. In fact, shit got decidedly worse as our draft-dodging chickenpoop president decided to get us into another Iraq War. This time it’s with Iran, but we’re pretty sure he thinks they’re the same thing. Is that too harsh? After all, Trump is the commander-in-chief and we’re at war now, so maybe he knows what he’s doing and we should show some respect. Or maybe not…

Now wait a minute. That can’t be… oh fuck… yep… it’s real. The guy taking us to war can’t spell his own goddamn name. We’re not military strategists, but that seems bad. We always suspected he was illiterate, but you figure a narcissist asshead like him would at least know how to spell his own name. This must be how we get respected around the world again. That and dropping big ass bombs. Yeah, it’s a powerful and powerfully stupid combination. While making excuses for his dumb and illegal war, Trump addressed the nation briefly this weekend, and he weirdly thanked God so we thought we’d check in…

Us: God, are you there? It’s us, the cussing newsletter guys.

God: Hey boys! Loving the newsletter. The Mike Lee rat scrotum thing had me cracking up.

Us: Aww, thanks, God. So are you helping Trump with his latest war insanity?

God: I didn’t have anything to do with this dumb shit, and I wish that stupid motherfucker would keep my name out of his mouth. Why is it these idiots are always thanking me when they start killing people? You boys wouldn’t do that, would you?

Us: No ma’am. But we haven’t killed anyone in years. So any message for this planet and the people who are worried?

God: Yeah, good luck with that shit. I told y’all to vote Kamala.

Sigh. As much as we know God isn’t with Trump, we do wish someone with some sense would help that dumb sonofabitch. If nothing else, maybe she could help him remember how to spell his own fucking name. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We will of course be opening up the AltMedia enlistment office where the sons and daughters of Republican politicians and beltway journalists can join the military and go fight in this war. We’re sure there will be a lot of interest. Right?

Note three: The NYC mayoral primary is this week, and a new poll this morning has Mamdani surging into the lead despite big time endorsements for serial sexual harasser Andrew Cuomo. We’re not gonna pick a fight with our own party over this, but we are going to encourage New Yorkers to rank ABC — Anybody But Cuomo. More: HuffPost

Note four: Just a reminder — because Trump wants you to forget — that Los Angeles is still occupied. THANK YOU to the amazing Angelenos who have fought back and made clear that ICE ain’t welcome in L.A. More: LA Public Press

Note five: Liddle Marco actually went on a Sunday news show and actually said “forget about intelligence.” We did, Liddle. We already did. Sigh.

Note six: We’re not gonna share the video because it is seriously traumatizing, but you need to see what Trump’s goons did to this guy in Santa Ana. He’s a father to three Marines. This is America now. More: KTLA

Note seven: Rep. Thomas Massie is not a good dude. He actually really sucks. But he’s right about this Iran stuff, and we absolutely freaking love how much he is pissing off Trump. More: The Hill, Axios

Note eight: Do you want to know just how stupid Trump’s new war is? Even Marjorie Taylor fucking Green can tell it’s stupid. MTG!!! And that woman believes in Jewish space lasers! More: HuffPost

Note nine: We want to congratulate Elon Musk’s daughter, Vivian, on her debut drag show. Sounds like they did some good for a good charity. She must take after her mom. More: People

Note 10: Sometimes we wonder if we should stop making fun of Jaunty Dickmouth (JD) Vance for being a weird creepy asshole who probably has sex with couches. We’re just kidding. We never wonder that. If you want to know why, just watch this clip…

Note 11: Speaking of Jellopudding Duncecap (JD), he really pissed us off Friday by flying out to L.A. to insult the city his administration is occupying and its senator by referring to Sen. Alex Padilla as “Jose Padilla.” It is not cool to mix up people’s names, and we sure hope that Justseriouslyeatshityoucouchfucking Dungeatingasskissingshitweasel (JD) Vance remembers that. More: The Guardian

Note 12: The NYT is reporting today that part of the reason Trump attacked Iran was because it looked cool on Fox News. How is this not a major fucking scandal? Is Tapper writing a goddamn book about it? More: New York Times

Note 13: Speaking of Fox, this morning Karoline Leavitt went on there to tell us Trump invented the phrase “peace through strength.” Fox just went with it.

Note 14: If you’re an elected Democrat, here’s the easiest advice we are ever gonna give you — OPPOSE THIS STUPID FUCKING WAR WITH EVERY FUCKING THING YOU’VE GOT.

Note 15: Congrats to the OKC Thunder on winning the NBA championship. Now the league needs to get Seattle a team right this minute. Do the right thing!

Note 16: Apparently Anthony Weiner is back. We know. We hate it too. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Kristi Noem is warning of an increased terrorism threat. That sucks. We were already being terrorized by her and her thugs. More: HuffPost

Note 18: On Friday, Mahmoud Khalil was released from jail after 100 days with no charges. And this weekend, a judge ordered that Kilmar Abrego Garcia be released. In this country, we charge people with crimes if we’re going to arrest them. We don’t kidnap them and then leave them in holes for months. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to San Diego where new Bishop Michael Pham, the first bishop of the Leo era (is that what you call it?), showed up at a federal building with some other badass clergy and scared off some punkass ICE agents. Like we always say, the only good thing about Trump is the way he makes heroes of everyday people. Thank you, Bishop Pham!

Note 20: And on that divine note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have an awesome week. Who are we kidding? Let’s hope we’re not fighting in Greenland by Friday. Love y’all!

Don’t forget this!
With Trump fighting wars in Iran and Los Angeles, it can be easy to forget that Republicans in the Senate are planning to royally fuck over the American people this week with the Big Bullshit Bill. We got lucky over the weekend with the parliamentarian ruling that some GOP wishlist items — fucking over people on food stamps, making Trump an actual king, destroying the CFPB — couldn’t be in the bill. This is good news, but there is still a ton of gross shit in there as Republicans are going to spend this week hurting the poor, helping the rich and starting another war in the Middle East. Our opposition party better be oppositioning like a motherfucker this week. More: ABC News, Yahoo

Oh Florida
You know how we all kept saying over and over again that Trump is a racist piece of shit who wants to make white nationalism the law of the land? Well we were right. This weekend the New York Times had a chilling story about a Trump-appointed judge who was teaching a law class at the University of Florida gave an award to a student who wrote a paper about how the constitution should only apply to white people. We wish we were making this up. But the student did get suspended eventually after he posted on social media that Jews must be “abolished by any means necessary.” The creepy scumbag student told the NYT he’s “not, like, a psychopathic ax murderer.” The judge didn’t say the same. Florida, get your shit together! More: Yahoo

George W. Trump
Apparently we’re really doing this. After launching military strikes from his country club this weekend, Trump sent his cabinet out to do the Sunday shows to insist that we are not at war with Iran and the goal is not regime change. And then Trump went on his social media website and said that regime change is the goal. He even added, “MAKE IRAN GREAT AGAIN.” Sigh. Congrats to every dumbfuck moron who thought the idiot who attacked the U.S. Capitol actually cared about peace. Oh and we have no idea if the bombs actually took out their nuke program or not. There is some speculation that the Iranians were able to move a lot of stuff while Trump was publicly threatening them. Buckle up, America. Things are somehow about to get dumber and more dangerous. More: CBS News

Today’s clips
Israel hit Iranian government targets in Tehran on Monday in a series of strikes that followed a salvo of missiles and drones fired by Iran at Israel in the wake of the Trump administration’s massive strikes on Iranian nuclear sites the day before. More: HuffPost

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth received praise from Donald Trump supporters for not leaking U.S. plans to bomb Iranian nuclear sites ahead of time, prompting ridicule from critics at what they saw as a laughably low bar for congratulations. More: HuffPost

Marine Corps veteran Adrian Clouatre doesn't know how to tell his children where their mother went after U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement officers detained her last month. More: NBC News

An extremely dangerous heat wave is predicted to hit the Midwest and the East Coast on Monday and Tuesday, with the National Weather Service warning that triple-digit heat is expected. More: NBC News

CNN anchor Anderson Cooper was forced to abandon a live segment as missile alerts rang out in Tel Aviv, prompting an urgent and dramatic on-air evacuation of the network’s crew from a rooftop set to underground bomb shelters. More: Mediaite

The latest from Adam