Racist Roseanne is angry

It’s Wednesday. There are 482 days until the midterm elections. Trump doesn’t want us to talk about his best friend Jeffrey Epstein, Elon Leon digitizes his nazi salute and Trump falls way short of 90

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it’s not covering for Epstein.

Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, it is damn hard to find things to enjoy in Trumpland. The shit that ain’t cruel is stupid and the shit that ain’t stupid is cruel and it’s usually both. But goddamn if we don’t find ourselves laughing like hyenas when the freaks start fighting each other. And we were cackling when we saw that Trump had angered longtime bigot and friend Roseanne…

Uh oh! She’s gonna get Dan to come after Trump. Oh no she won’t because they killed her off that show because she’s a gross idiot racist. It’s not often that you see the diehard QAnon nuts question their orange savior, but this Epstein business has them looking at him in a whole new and crazy light. We’ve actually come up with a fake short list of the times Trump’s celebrity endorsers broke with him in the past. Enjoy.

• Kevin Sorbo denounced Trump after the president and everyone else kept asking “Who the fuck is Kevin Sorbo?”

• Jon Voight broke with Trump on wind energy, having befriended a windmill he calls Chadrick and speaks to daily

• Mel Gibson was upset with Trump’s “very fine people on both sides” comment, believing only the nazi side to be the very fine people

• Scott Baio threatened to throw away his red hat when his credit card, SAG card and bus pass were declined at Mar-a-Lago. Ultimately, he just traded it for a sandwich.

• And James Woods warned Trump he might vote for Kamala Harris before remembering he’s a racist no-talent piece of shit.

There were a few more, but we’d never heard of their loser asses. Anyway, we’ll be watching to see what the president of the United States does to assuage the concerns of Roseanne. Are we fucking stupid again or what? Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Apparently President Dumbshit is back on his tariff kick, so if you need to buy anything, you should probably do it before Aug. 1. More: NBC News

Note three: We totally forgot to mention yesterday that a bunch of people who actually do give a shit about our health are suing the brainworm moron. Git his ass. Or at least get the worm. More: NBC News

Note four: Apparently Passed Out Pete Hegseth is freelancing with arms shipments to Ukraine while Trump has no idea what’s happening in his administration. Frankly we don’t believe any of this shit. More: CNN

Note five: Like any one with eyes, ears and common sense, we have long believed that Putin owns Trump. But we are now realizing it’s also possible that Trump is just a total fucking idiot who really thought the ex-KGB agent was his buddy.

Note six: How desperate is Trump to distract from his buddy Epstein? He sent the FBI after Comey and Brennan. Maybe they can tell us where the Epstein files are. More: Reuters

Note seven: Our corrupt and broken SCOTUS is giving the green light to let Trump fire a shitload of people. Once again we are grateful to Justice KBJ for calling this crap out. More: NPR

Note eight: Happy birthday to Tom Hanks, star of Bosom Buddies, Bachelor Party and Joe vs. the Volcano.

Note nine: Well this sucks. A federal court just killed “click to cancel.” Now we’ll have to do it the old fashioned way by throwing our goddamn phones in the ocean. More: The Guardian

Note 10: We are sending love to Texas with one exception. Greg Abbott can go fuck himself. Someone tell this asshole that football teams watch tape to figure out what wrong. Also tell him he’s a heartless scumbag.

Note 11: It’s stunning that Trump can talk nonstop about making the White House look like one of Saddam’s palaces while also taking healthcare from poor people and the New York Times is still writing fucking stories about Biden’s fucking age. We’re only linking to one of those stories and it ain’t the Biden one. More: Mediaite

Note 12: How bad is the GOP’s big fugly bill? They are already lying their asses off about the damage it’s going to do. More: HuffPost

Note 13: The Army is going to stop using horses. Yeah, apparently between Trump and Hegseth there’s just too much horseshit to deal with so they’ve gotta cut back. More: NBC News

Note 14: Jilted Donalddoer (JD) Vance says that some Americans are more American than others. He must mean Trump, whose family is from Germany. Right? Or Melania? Or maybe his own wife and kids? More: TPM

Note 15: Anybody else sick and fucking tired of being threatened by this buttcheek with eyes?

Note 16: We hate the name Alligator Alcatraz because there is nothing cutesy about this cruel shit. The only good news is maybe we can put Trump and his staff there someday. More: HuffPost

Note 17: LA Mayor Karen Bass said yesterday the city is filing a lawsuit to get the military the fuk outta there. We’re pretty sure the courts have decided King Dumbfuck can do whatever he wants, but we are grateful to her for fighting in every way possible. More: ABC7

Note 18: We have to give it up to Kimmel guest host Anthony Anderson who had us rolling with his shots at Trump last night. The “skedaddle” one really got us. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we have to give it to the Onion. We can never have too many jokes about Ted Cruz abandoning his state in times of crisis and this one is really well done.

Note 20: And on that hilarious and infuriating note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week. And if you’re not, just remember that you’re not such a weird fuck-up that you angered your friend Roseanne. Love y’all!

STOP TALKING ABOUT TRUMP’S BEST FRIEND EPSTEIN
The heat over his Epstein cover-up is really getting to Trump. During a cabinet meeting yesterday, Trump and Bullshit Bondi were asked about their cover-up and Trump lost his shit. He just can’t believe we’re all still talking about the serial pedophile and human trafficker who was his best friend and allegedly committed suicide while Trump was president. Well, we’re gonna keep talking about it because it’s pretty darn fucked up. One other thought we had — it seemed to us like Bondi released her garbage to Axios on Sunday night because they were hoping the horrible Texas flood story would help them cover it up. Yesterday Trump seemed to confirm that when he tried to use the flood as a reason why reporters shouldn’t be asking about Epstein. What a classy guy. More: CNN

Elon Leon Adolph
When a guy does a nazi salute, he’s probably a nazi. This is a good rule of thumb and it was confirmed this week when Elon Leon Adolph’s AI bot started spewing really gross antimsemitic shit and suggested Adolph Hitler should eliminate people with Jewish last names. The bot, named Grok, even started referring to itself as “mecha-Hitler” and confirmed that Elon had reprogrammed it after it gave answers that the right deemed woke. At this point it’s pretty obvious that a mostly white press corps doesn’t care about Elon Leon’s shocking and consistent antisemitism because he has white skin and lots of money. Maybe we should tell them Mamdani or Ilhan Omar did this. Then maybe they’d start to give a shit. More: The Guardian

90 dumbasses in 90 days
Ok so that headline isn’t that clever, but we’re dealing with some really stupid crap so cut us some slack. Today is Day 90, so we’re supposed to have 90 new trade deals done. But because the president is a fucking idiot, he actually only has two. What a loser. Yeah, he’s trying to lie and say it’s no biggie and they’re actually done, but we know better. That’s why he keeps raising tariffs, sending off stupid form letters and moving the dates. Can you imagine trying to negotiate with someone who has no idea what’s going on? Anyway, this would be a major story about broken promises if Biden did it, but it’s Trump so the media is largely yawning. More: Raw Story

Today’s clips
The massive tax and spending bill that President Donald Trump signed into law last week contains a provision limiting tax deductions for gambling losses that has professional bettors howling about being driven out of business. More: HuffPost

Four days after the devastating flash floods in Texas Hill Country, local officials and law enforcement in Kerr County couldn’t provide basic details of the emergency response — including whether the emergency management coordinator, who decided to order evacuations, was awake when the waters started rising. More: NBC News

A Liberian-flagged cargo ship came under fire from Houthi rebels Monday in the Red Sea, with two on board reported to be hurt and two others missing in an assault a day after the Yemen-based militant group sunk another vessel. More: NBC News

Rural hospitals across the U.S. say they’re being forced to consider tough choices — like cutting services for children or cancer patients — after President Donald Trump signed into law a sprawling domestic policy bill that includes sweeping cuts to not only Medicaid but the Affordable Care Act, as well. More: NBC News

Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass (D) chuckled in disbelief after a Department of Homeland Security official suggested her arrest may be “on the table” after the mayor confronted federal immigration agents in her city. More: Mediaite

The latest from Adam