Pray for Rain (And Lightning)

Happy Friday. There are 144 days until the midterm elections. Iran has TACOs, problems with the reflection pond and loser boy wants his impeachments erased.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. So it can tell Alexi Lalas to eat shit and fuck off.

Note: We did it, Sexy Patriots! We made it to the weekend! And we’re hoping everyone has a couple of days of rest and relaxation and joy. Except for the trashy motherfuckers who are cage-fighting on the South Lawn of the White House. We hope they have a terrible weekend. That’s why we’re asking you — if you pray, pray for rain. And lightning. And maybe an earthquake or two. And some locusts who shit fire. Don’t forget the locusts who shit fire.

Yesssssss. Now we are not the most religious guys, but you can bet your hot ass we will get on our knees and pray for our friend God to fuck this up for them. In fact, we’ll ask her right now…

Us: Hey God!
God: Hey boys! Loving the newsletter. The therapy sessions are good too, but you need more of them.
Us: Thanks, God! So will you do us a favor and send a storm to ruin Trump’s stupid fight?
God: Yeah, I’m on it. With any luck, those assholes will be slipping and sliding all over the place like the greased pigs they are.
Us: That’s awesome!
God: Yeah, fuck them. Hey Trump, here’s your fucking birthday cake. Don’t forget to blow me!
Us: You’re the best! Now could you do something about all the people Trump is hurting?
God: Gotta run! Have a great weekend!

Hmmmm. Why does that always happen? Oh well, at least we can hope for Trump and his scumbags to have a shitty Sunday. Especially when those locusts get involved. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: The U.S. men’s team plays their first World Cup game tonight. We’re hoping Trump will be too busy losing to Iran to fuck this up for us, but you never go. We’re also hoping our team beats Paraguay. Let’s go!

Note three: Speaking of the World Cup, you should know who Alexi Lalas is. He was on the ‘94 men’s team. He was a mediocre player at best who was mostly known for his wild red hair. He parlayed that into a tv gig and now he spends a lot of time sucking farts out of Trump’s butthole. He is the fucking worst, and we hate that we have to listen to him suck. Fuck you, Alexi. More: HuffPost

Note four: The FBI is now raiding voting rights organizations. So that’s where we are in this country. More: MS Now

Note five: Did y’all hear this butt-licking little shit compare the UFC fight to the moon landing? What a fucking moron.

Note six: Elon Leon Musk, the nazi scum who inspired a pogrom in Ireland this week, is about to become the world’s first trillionaire. We don’t have to tell you how royally fucked up that is. More: The Hill

Note seven: Speaking of scumbags who people used to think were cool, Phil Mickelson is garbage. We’ve known that for a while now, but it was confirmed yesterday when we learned he was booted from his golf club for unwanted physical contact with a woman there. We are enormously grateful Sam’s grandfather isn’t alive to see this. More: AP

Note eight: RIP to David Hockney. Damnit. The world needs more artists, not fewer. More: NBC News

Note nine: We don’t know who is finding a way to get “86/47” into the grass on the National Mall, but we think it’s fucking hilarious. More: NBC News

Note 10: While you’re fighting fascism with everything you’ve got, this is what Democratic senators like Amy Klobuchar are doing. As Carlin said — “it’s a big club, and you ain’t in it.” But hey, it’s not like Sen. Klobuchar’s constituents have been murdered by the federal government. Oh wait…

Note 11: Ariana Grande is telling the White House to fuck off, and we love that about her. More: The Guardian

Note 12: Ukraine is giving Russia hell. Guess they had some cards to play all along. More: NBC News

Note 13: We regret to inform you that all your leaders are dumber than dog shit. In fact, we would give anything to have a lump of dog shit over this moron.

Note 14: Democrats shut down some of Trump’s spying abilities because of the Bill Pulte crap. Good. Do more shit like this. More: NBC News

Note 15: Trump has found his nominee to fill in after Pulte, and the asshole is an election denier. Which makes it even more infuriating that we saw some Democrats cheering for this idiot. More: NBC News

Note 16: Speaking of Jay Clayton’s incompetence, his office failed to convict Brad Lander on a misdemeanor yesterday. But only because it was a bullshit charge from the beginning. We love you, Brad! More: NBC News

Note 17: You know how many New Yorkers voted for this inbred dumbfuck? Zero. So maybe he should just shut his goddamn mouth.

Note 18: The Trump supporter who murdered Melissa Hortman, her husband and their dog pleaded guilty yesterday. We hope he spends the rest of his days in hell on earth. And a giant FUCK YOU to a mainstream media that downplayed this nightmare from the jump. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to the stars. And by that we mean some astrologists looked at Trump’s birth chart and they say he’s going to lose his vitality. We don’t know what any of that means, but it sure sounds good to us because fuck that guy and his vitality. More: HuffPost

Note 20: BONUS HAPPY ENDING — Look at big tough Pete Hegseth struggling to lift these weights. LOLOL!!! What a wimp!

Warn’t

After promising another wave of attacks, our idiot president has surrendered to Iran, and now he’s furiously trying to pretend he didn’t. Trump is supposedly sending couchfucker and Liddle Marco to sign a MOU with the Iranians this weekend, but we expect to see flying pigs first. Why? Well because Iran said the deal means they get to keep the Strait of Hormuz, we give them $300 billion for reconstruction, we give them $24 billion in frozen funds, a total U.S. withdrawal from the Middle East and a promise to leave Iran alone. So yeah, Trump is making Iran great again. Of course Trump is super embarrassed that the details of his surrender leaked, so he’s denying it all. And that’s why we doubt there will be any agreement signed this weekend. Well that and because we’re not fucking idiots.

More: The Guardian

Nice Algae, Asshole

So Trump just spent $14 million of our money to repaint the Reflecting Pool, which he calls the reflection pond. And literally one goddamn day after it was filled, it already has algae. It’s so embarrassing for the White House that they’re claiming it’s “residual algae.” LOL. Sure. Why would there be residual algae when they were paid $14 million to clean and repaint the damn thing? Anyway, this is a good reminder that Trump actually sucks at everything, including the one fucking thing he claims to be good at. STOP SPENDING OUR MONEY!!!

More: People

Nice Try

The Wall Street Journal is reporting that Republicans on Capitol Hill are considering votes to symbolically erase Trump’s two impeachments. LOL. Yay! We think this is an awesome idea and the entire Republican Party should continue to tie themselves to this fucking prick and all his illegal bullshit. And honestly, we all know that dumb sonofabitch is getting impeached again when we retake the House, so it’s fine with us if these losers play these stupid games. In fact, we encourage it. It makes our job easier.

More: The Independent

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON (AP) — The relationship between U.S. President Donald Trump and French President Emmanuel Macron started simply enough, with a handshake, nearly a decade ago.

But even then, there were signs of strain in their relationship — tensions that could be on full display during next week’s G7 summit in France. More: AP

Independents have grown increasingly unhappy with President Donald Trump during his second term, a new AP-NORC polling analysis finds, particularly those without a college degree. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump’s handpicked board at the Kennedy Center is mounting a last-minute effort to keep his name on the facade of the iconic performing arts facility before a court-ordered deadline to remove it by Friday. More: AP

ATMORE, Ala. (AP) — An Alabama man facing the death penalty by nitrogen gas was spared Thursday as the U.S. Supreme Court refused to set aside a lower-court ruling that found the method is unconstitutionally cruel, issuing a brief order that came well after the hour originally planned to initiate Jeffery Lee’s execution. More: AP

When the U.S. men’s national team opens its World Cup bid on Friday in Los Angeles, all eyes will be on Christian Pulisic. The 27-year-old star is widely considered the most talented American player of his generation and — rightly or wrongly — tasked with delivering the best result in the country’s history this summer on home soil. More: NBC News

Intense heat and severe storms are continuing to make their way through the United States this week and will creep into next week as summer temperatures officially take hold across the nation. More: NBC News

More than a dozen tornadoes tore through towns across Illinois, Indiana and Wisconsin overnight, shredding homes and tearing up trees and power lines. More: NBC News

Some Donald Trump supporters utterly torched the president during interviews that aired on Jen Psaki’s MS NOW show on Thursday, expressing their fury over rising costs and his failure to deliver on campaign promises. More: HuffPost