Pinky Herman

It’s Thursday. There are 103 days until the midterm elections. A ‘28 poll to get people talking, Fox has a warning for Republicans and Ossoff makes Trump sweat.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it really misses the World Cup.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, the gig is up. Despite his endless stupidity and general cluelessness, Donald Trump has managed to Clouseau his way into busting our scheme. We can’t believe we’ve been caught red-handed. The dumbsonofabitch actually got us…

Fuck! We were so close to pulling it off! And we would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for that pesky old pedophile. But he was wrong about one big thing. We were never going to blow up Mt. Rushmore. We hate violence, and we would never do such a thing. No, our plan was to BLOW Mt. Rushmore. Seriously. We’ve spent years accumulating rock, gravel and concrete so we could construct giant tiny penises to place under the four men on that mountain. Then we were going to spend the rest of our days going down on those rock cocks.

If that sounds fucking idiotic, we agree. But so does the stupid shit coming out of that guy’s mouth, and we’re not the president of the United States. Maybe it should be a bigger deal that our commander-in-chief constantly makes up fake crimes to accuse Americans of plotting or executing. Maybe it should be a bigger deal that he’s a goddamn moron. Or maybe we should actually build those giant little dicks. It makes as much sense as anything else. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Wanna hear something nuts? We don’t think that’s the first time we’ve made a joke about building Mt. Rushmore penises. We should probably take a day off. So we’ll see you back here Monday. Enjoy summer while you can!

Note three: This is the most fucked up thing you’ll read today. And man that is really saying something. More: NOTUS

Note four: The United States is still very much at war with Iran despite the president repeatedly lying about Iran’s military being destroyed. How do we know? Well aside from the soldiers dying, there’s also the skyrocketing price of oil. More: HuffPost

Note five: If you’re ever worried that you hate this motherfucker too much, rest assured that you don’t.

Note six: We didn’t see this coming. But apparently even ICE hates ICE. More: Washington Examiner

Note seven: And it gets better. You know how everyone hates JD Vance? Well that apparently includes his Secret Service detail. LOL. More: CNN

Note eight: Gym Jordan referred Jack Smith to DOJ for prosecution. If Jack had only molested some wrestlers, then Gym would have looked the other way. We think it’s great that these idiots keep messing with Smith. He definitely seems like the kind of guy you want to fuck with. More: NBC News

Note nine: Well lookie there! We just flipped another seat. Goddamn it feels so good!

Note 10: A judge wants to know why Pete Hegseth is ok with some gender-affirming care but not others. Good question. More: AP

Note 11: We fucking adore Megan Rapinoe, and we think she’s one of the greatest sports heroes of our time. More: Basketball Network

Note 12: Just think — if we win the midterms, then we get to investigate Brendan Carr. And that sounds really fun and necessary. More: HuffPost

Note 13: Well look who’s on Fox News. What’s the plan here, dipshit? Trying to be Short Fetterman? What a fucking asshole.

Note 14: Hey we’re really sorry you can’t afford to fill up your gas tank, but have you seen the president’s golden office? More: HuffPost

Note 15: Yesterday Trump was giving nukes to Saudi Arabia. Today he says they have to be friends with Israel first. Anyone else think Bibi was burning up the phone yesterday? More: AP

Note 16: Man, the Democratic establishment is really taking it in the teeth right now. If only there were some lessons to be learned from that. More: AP

Note 17: We didn’t think we could become any bigger Hunter Biden fans than we already were. Then we saw him fucking up Jake Tapper…

Note 18: So does anyone know who the dude was who was making fun of Trump at his rally yesterday? More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to… well, we don’t know where this is. But we do know that the kids are alright. Thank you to this badass, whoever she is.

Note 20: And on that fearless note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have the best weekend and don’t mind us taking an extra day. Adam wants to spend the day playing with his kids and Sam is building giant concrete tallywhackers. Love y’all!

A Fun Distraction

We are laser focused on two things these days — Trump’s reign of dumbfuck terror and the midterm elections. But we’re also politics nerds who like to talk about elections, so yeah, we occasionally dabble in some 2028 talk. That was especially true when we saw a poll out of New Hampshire that really got our attention. Your new frontrunner in the Granite State is… AOC! Whoa. And look at Mayor Pete and Mark Kelly up there. It’s not great for Gavin or VP Harris, but also we’re two years out so this is just for fun. Don’t believe us? Well just ask President Jeb Bush or President Rand Paul.

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Even Fox

So we can all agree that Fox News is wet shit on a hot day. But remarkably, their polling unit is still really damn good. We can’t explain it either. But right now, that polling unit is full of warnings for the Republican Party. Trump’s approval number is 39 percent, Democrats have a 53-46 lead on the generic ballot and voters now trust Democrats more on foreign policy, the economy and even immigration. We’ve seen a lot of good polls for Democrats, but this one is pretty damn encouraging. Keep up the great work, everyone. Especially Trump!

More: Fox News

The Devil Went Down to Georgia

Jon Ossoff is everywhere these days. But most prominently, he is in Trump’s head. So Trump went down to Georgia yesterday to rally with nazi buddy Mike Collins. Trump even tried out a new nickname for Ossoff — Pinky Herman. Obviously the president of the United States was trying to say PeeWee Herman but he fucked it up. And it’s a stupid burn regardless because PeeWee was awesome and Ossoff is a snack. We actually fucking love when Trump goes on the road to tell everyone they should shut up about affordability. We hope he does more. We also get why he’s so worried about Ossoff. Because he fucking should be.

More: USA Today, The Guardian, The Guardian

Today’s clips

NEW YORK (AP) — Oil prices are jumping again Thursday as increased fighting in the Middle East threatens to slow the global flow of crude. Wall Street, meanwhile, is sinking with sharp drops for two of its most influential stocks, Alphabet and Tesla. More: AP

CAIRO (AP) — Yemen’s Iran-backed Houthi rebels said they attacked two Saudi oil tankers in the Red Sea on Thursday, potentially widening the Iran war as international oil briefly topped $100 a barrel. More: AP

MADISON, Wis. (AP) — The police shooting death of a man who injured an officer with a knife while resisting arrest has roiled the city of Madison, Wisconsin, with Gov. Tony Evers calling for “transparency and accountability” in any investigation and community members gathering Thursday at a growing memorial for the man. More: AP

BUNIA, Democratic Republic of the Congo — More than 1,000 people have died in the Ebola outbreak in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, according to Africa’s top health body, a grim toll in the fastest Ebola outbreak in history, as conflict, community resistance and an uneven response fuel its spread. More: NBC News

Tropical Storm Bertha made landfall in Louisiana and was southwest of New Orleans while moving west toward Texas early Thursday morning, after closing beaches on the Gulf Coast from the Florida Panhandle to Mississippi. More: HuffPost

WASHINGTON – Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche is denying he privately told senators he “made a mistake” by setting up his department’s $1.8 billion “anti-weaponization” fund to give payouts to Jan. 6 rioters, even as two Democratic senators say he told them directly he regretted setting up the slush fund. More: HuffPost