Patriotic Cowboys

It’s Thursday. There are 33 days until the midterm elections. Trump’s midterm bribes are BS, Americans REALLY hate his economy and the drunk guy at the Pentagon is really scary.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But its approval rating is higher than Trump’s.

Note: Y’all, we are a goddamn mess. Like, we’re holding it together, but this fucking sprint with either salvation or doom waiting at the finish line can’t be good for our health. Mental, physical or sexual. And it’s going to get worse. We know that polls tighten, we know the boot-licking media will love a good Trump-might-pull-off-a-miracle-comeback story and there will probably be 30 October fucking surprises a day. To cope with all of this pressure and anxiety, we are turning to an unlikely source… Markwaynebobwillimanshitforbrains Mullin…

Anyone else surprised he’s smart enough to work a stress ball? On the one hand, he might be the dumbest motherfucker to ever get shat out of some sort of cow-person. On the other hand, he might be onto something with that stress ball. So we are taking a tip from Markwaynejethrothethirdjuniorfred and finding safe and healthy ways to channel our stress for the next 33 days and the nightmare that’s sure to follow. And we’re doing it without having sex with any livestock.

So we went out and got a stressball. It’s about the size of a pumpkin, it’s as orange as a pumpkin and it’s rotting like a pumpkin. We drew a face on it. We gave it an ugly wig. And then we threw that rotten motherfucker right into traffic and watched car after car flatten the ever-loving shit out of it. The drivers were angry at first, but they seemed to enjoy it too after we told them what’s happening. Except one driver who tried to have sex with the rotting pumpkin pieces, but we ran him out of here and right back to Air Force Two.

Of course this is all in jest. But we do want y’all to think about how you can do things to protect your mental health down the stretch. Get a stressball, get a rotting pumpkin or get a second name and jam it into your first name like Markwaynenis did. Be good to yourselves, Sexy Patriots. We’re living through some fucked up shit, and there’s no right way to handle it. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Trump gave an interview to Time that makes clear he’s gonna do everything he can to cheat in the midterms, including invoking the Insurrection Act or declaring a national emergency. We’re gonna need more pumpkins. And fresh pants. More: TIME

Note three: Wanna hear something really messed up? The state of Tennessee tried to kill a woman last night and they botched it. She’s still alive. We’re shocked they didn’t just stone her. More: NBC News

Note four: Eric Schmitt was told his Jack Smith texts were bullshit. He didn’t care. So he’s an idiot and a liar. More: MS Now

Note five: The world hates us now. We have fascism cooties, and they are staying away.

Note six: Good to see Bernie investing in our candidates. We especially love that he is getting Angie Nixon’s back. More: Politico

Note seven: The chief justice of the Supreme Court has a private island. How fucked up is that? Much respect to the paddling protesters. More: New York Times

Note eight: Has early voting started where you live? Have you checked your registration? Have you made a plan? Have you annoyed the living shit out of everyone in your life to go vote to save this country? Ok cool.

Note nine: The White House won’t let CNN travel with Trump today. The rest of the press caved like cowards. The really bad news for America is that this will probably be fixed after Trump and Gavin Newsom’s good buddy David Ellison takes over the news network on Oct. 6. More: NBC News, NBC News

Note 10: Um congrats to Newsom on this endorsement. Guess selling out your own party works.

Note 11: And while we’re in California, here’s the write-up from last night’s gubernatorial debate and one from Tuesday night’s L.A. mayoral debate. More: AP, KTLA

Note 12: Todd Blanche said yesterday it’s ok for him to be political in his personal life. He’s going after judges in Minnesota for being too political. We really want to see that asshole rot in prison. More: AP

Note 13: Lara Trump says the Trumps’ lives aren’t a “cakewalk.” We sure feel sorry for them, don’t you? More: HuffPost

Note 14: We really need to see Jamie Raskin with a gavel in his hand. Can we please make that happen? More: HuffPost

Note 15: Man, Ken Paxton sure does suck hog rectum. Thank goodness other people see it too. Even in Texas.

Note 16: Trump is trying to wreck another part of D.C. as he tries to make Hains Point golf course a place for rich assholes instead of the city who loves it and uses it. So they’re gathering this Saturday to protest. If you’re in the area, come on out. More: WABA

Note 17: This is a real story. Apparently people who drink their own piss love AI. We are not at all surprised. We’re just shocked this is real and not something we made up for the opening note. More: Futurism.com

Note 18: FCC chairman and all-around buttlick Brendan Carr says Trump’s campaign ads that we’re paying for are just fine and dandy. That’s why we’re inviting Carr to eat shit and go fuck himself. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to South Park, er, South America for some more trolling of Trump’s corruption and his tiny weiner. We know these dudes have been right-wing chodes at times, but we love this shit. More: Twitter

Note 20: And on that unsettling note that we definitely should have had a trigger warning for, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all are having an amazing week. If not, please don’t throw any rotting pumpkins into traffic. We were just kidding about that. Love y’all!

About Those Bribes

Trump’s midterm desperation has come lately in the form of bribes to red states. Last week, Trump announced he was moving a steel factory from Minnesota to Iowa. This week, it’s a Korean investment in Alaska. Except neither of those things are on the level. On the latter, Korea is calling bullshit on Trump and Dan Sullivan’s lies. And that steel plant that Trump claimed had already broken ground? Not happening. According to local news, there have been “no major property purchases tied to the project this year.” We can’t believe the Foxconn guy would lie about this shit.

More: Bloomberg, KWQC

Poll Position

The AP has a new poll out this morning with Trump’s approval rating at 31 percent. Ouch. But it actually gets worse than that. Only 26 percent of American adults approve of Trump’s handling of the economy and only 17 percent approve of his handling of the cost of living. Guess all that talk about his fucking ballroom just hasn’t broken through. There’s a lot of shit that can change in the next month, but we seriously doubt this is one of them.

More: AP

Well That Was Terrifying

Good news, everyone. The military is now made up of “patriotic cowboys.” Whatever the fuck that means. Pete Hegseth sobered up long enough yesterday to give a “State of the Force” speech to assembled troops. He gave them copies of his book, he used a bunch of slurs to attack military members who don’t look the part and he told everyone that they’re fighting for Jesus. Even though it was a speech given by a clown, it still scared the living shit out of us. If you watch any of it, you see some real fascism happening in America. Trump’s incompetence helps us get past a lot of our worries, but this deranged America-hating lunatic being in charge of the Pentagon truly terrifies us. If/when we take Congress, Hegseth needs to be impeached immediately. Immediately.

More: The Guardian, bsky.app

Today’s clips

Facing his toughest election challenge in years, GOP Rep. Brian Fitzpatrick has blanketed southeast Pennsylvania with attacks on his Democratic opponent — many of them citing what appear to be independent local news reports. More: Politico

Mortgage rates are at their highest point in nearly three years as turmoil in the bond market continues. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump and Vice President JD Vance will both hit the campaign trail on Thursday, but they will be heading to heavily Republican areas to shore up lagging enthusiasm in their party ahead of next month’s midterm elections. More: AP

AUSTIN, Texas (AP) — When Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton launched his campaign for Senate last year, he skipped the local pageantry.

Instead, records show, the conservative firebrand announced his bid on Fox News, cleared his calendar and booked a hotel in Augusta, Georgia, during the storied Masters golf tournament, a trip that cost Texas taxpayers at least $25,000. More: AP

Three Republican states went to the U.S. Supreme Court on Wednesday to challenge abortion “shield laws” protecting providers in three Democratic states, escalating the legal conflict over pills that account for a majority of abortions. More: AP

Fear, mockery and confusion were among the reactions to Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s plan to install Elon Musk as the co-leader of a project to study the future of warfare. More: HuffPost

A woman who filed a lawsuit saying she was sexually assaulted by seven men at a Cornell University fraternity house told police weeks after the incident that she could “say with 100% confidence I was raped,” according to a report by CBS New York, which said it obtained a transcript of her interview with investigators. More: HuffPost

VATICAN CITY (AP) — The Incredible Hulk fulfilled a childhood dream by meeting with Pope Leo XIV on Wednesday. More: HuffPost